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Thursday, December 27, 2012

How to Deal with a Sick Kid

How to Deal with a Sick Kid
Subtitle: Screw last days. A sick kid right before Christmas is FAR more annoying. 

Step 1: Be observant. Yes, I do understand that if you are the female and/or household head in your relationship that you are working quite hard to wrap, shop, clean, pay the bills, bake, take the kids to parties, organize your own parties, try to decorate, make sure the kids do all that cheesy shit you are expected to do for Christmas which would be possible if you  didn’t have to do the rest of that above as well, but take note that your six year old hasn’t tried to talk your ear off all morning and/or is not eating the raw dough to your Daniel Jackson cookies. SHIT! Look at that fever. 

Step 2: Call your mom. You would think that calling the doctor would be the next logical step, but it’s not. Chances are you kid in never going to get sick during doctor’s hours and the doctor on call does not know your kid or your history. That and BEFORE we decided to scream and cry and get 15 shots for a scraped knees we USED to take care of things ourselves, with stuff like chicken soup.  Call mom. Describe symptoms. Get diagnosis. Begin Treatment. Remember Treatment. After all, someone is gonna be calling you someday. 

Step 3: The bathtub. The very first thing you will want to do is to pop that kiddos into the bathtub, but, like most kids they will not want to go. Read this next conversation carefully, very carefully. It will work every time. 

Mom: Get in the tub
Kid: No, mom, I don’t WANT to get in the tub. I’m cold. 
Mom: That’s fine. How about some Tylenol. 
Kid: Ok, grape or cherry?
Mom: Nope, up the butt. 
Kid: (Already in tub) 

Step 4: Subscribe to Netflix. It’s quick, easy and can be accessed free for like 30 days. Pop on some stupid Nickelodean or Disney channel show, set your computer up on a chair in the baƱo and let them watch crap after crap while they cool down. Just keep in mind that you will probably need to be in there as well. Trying to NOT watch cheesy pre-teen drama. 
At this point I would like to mention that Netflix can be used on more than once device, i.e. your PHONE. And Netflix has a fine selection of Michael Shanks movies. Not the greatest entertainment he insists often, but he’s hot, so we overlook it. 

Step 5: Sobe or Gatoraide LIGHT. They made Pedialyte and this other trendy crap but most kids in my experience HATE it, really hate it.  And have you tried it! It is like drinking watered down syrup! It is awful. Like, it is so bad that I have a pretty good feeling that if there is a hell that the devil is sitting on his throne waiting to make you drink Pedialyte for the rest of eternity. 

Moral of the story: Don’t do this to your kids. It’s cruel. 

Step 6: The set-up. Ok, so fever has broken. Pop that little booger out nad set up camp. Surround them in pillows in the bed, offering them various stages of propped upedness so they are now calling for you every five minutes to fluff their pillow. Sobe in a cup with a straw, trust me on the straw, because without a straw and lid they cough once, and you’re right back in the tub without a fever reason. Leave a sleeve of saltines, they are gonna get hungry and really if they puke you don’t want to clean anything else up. Move that laptop to the bedroom and switch to a longer movie or something, preferably something of actual quality. Which means it was made in the 1980’s and featured Muppets. 

Step 7: Now you’ve got it. Yeah, yeah, so in all of the other prep and whatnot you forgot to take zinc, C or all of the other stuff you were supposed to take to deal with this. WHAT THE HELL!! So now, your kids are still hacking, you are now running a fever of 103 F and your house is a disaster because it is Christmas. You feel like such crap that you are actually pondering moving to Canada where germs are actually killed because there is a real winter which is completely against your character because you want to steal Michael Shanks away and go live on a beach and make him pretend to be Daniel Jackson for the rest of his life and then you can pretend....

Sorry about that....

Fever and all....

The Advil is kicking back in. 

Step 8: Daniel Jackson. When DON’T I need him, really? Ok, this time it’s because you are shivering as your body fights the fever and you would normally have Hot Roommate to take care of you but he’s dealing with the kids who have fevers again and you really want him to be dealing with the kiddos. So, the next best thing. Lie in bed, sick and alone, and pretend he is coming to check on his assistant, who he is just friends with, and you are shivering and he wants to help keep you warm...with body heat...

Wow...I really have no brain filter with a fever, do I?

Step 9: Survive. Without fail your husband will never catch this, or catch only a MILD case of this and your kids will get better and be BOUNCING off the walls whilst you are trying to figure out if your nose is still attached to your head. You can watch Zombies. Dream about Daniel. Write about Daniel. Talk to people on Skype and chat and the phone. Or you can just lay in the bathtub and prepare your eulogy. 

I think I am going to die. 
Can someone make sure people lie about me at the funeral?

Step 10: Wake up! I can breathe! My head does not hurt! I am upright! It does not hurt to stand! Happy! Joy! Woo hoo!!

Now where’d that wine go? 

Drinking, sure? 

If I am gonna feel like shit I might as well have a good reason for it! 

Monday, December 24, 2012

How to Salvage Christmas

How to Salvage Christmas

Subtitle: Holy shit Christmas is tomorrow and I have spent my entire month thinking the world was ending and preparing for that so DAMN YOU MAYANS YOU SCREWED ME OVER.
I'm better now. 
No, really, I don't think I'm gonna have any midnight surprises. 
Athena willing...

Step 1: Make a list. I cannot stress the importance of this because those crafty little Christmas merchandisers KNOW that you'll be frantic and just buy stuff so they stash it on your entire walk to the register. Make this list BEFORE you leave home. Yes honey, I made a list. Well, I needed a new nose ring. And those socks. And that bag of candy. You can't get cookie sheets that cheap year round....oh dammit just stop.

Step 2: Call your best friend. Trust me, you can't do this alone, in fact, you'll need to call this friend if for no other reason than to have someone to laugh at people with. I mean honestly, when you're getting out of your car at the mall and people are riding around yelling "Bitch, get yo azz in da car!" only to go into the mall itself to see that every parent who has an over-sugared disturbed child is letting them run loose around the mall, you will need another soul with which to lament that the Mayans were wrong. 

Step 3: Coffee. Just as important as the wine in your life should be the coffee this holiday season and since you can't drink and shop, mall food is nasty and for some reason that you will NEVER understand malls in the good 'ole US of A ONLY carry Pepsi products. Nothing against Pepsi, but really EVERY SINGLE THING in the food court, everything is a Pepsi product? What happened to choice? Ok, well, the good thing is that coffee is hard to screw up and the caffeine high makes up for you having to be with these crazy idiots who are hanging out at the mall without bags because they are just HERE and not shopping. 


Oh, Pseudo-Brother thank you. Yes, one cream, two sugars. 
Just like Daniel Jackson.
Think Daniel Jackson. 
All better. 

Step 4: Don't eat the cookies. No, really, if you need a cookie THAT bad BUY IT FIRST. No joke, we were in Walmart, cutting through the grocery section to get back to automotive so I could buy Hot Roommate a stereo for his truck and there were OPENED cookies at the holiday cookie table, OPENED, and were not samples, they were eaten. People just opened the cookies and took to eating them. Triflin, just triflin. 

And I DEF wouldn't touch those cookies nasty person who is looking at the box with me reaching forward. 

On second thought, go ahead. 
Maybe someone put the plague in those cookies. 

Step 5: Remember that to buy something people like and not hipster bullshit you needed to plan ahead. Like NOT the day before ahead. All I wanted was to get my son an earring. Yes, he has a pierced ear and he wanted a little thing like a skull and maybe some super hero logos. BUT NOOOOO. Boys earrings consisted of ONE thing and ONE thing ALONE - LARGE FAKE DIAMONDS.  My son does not want to look like a gangster, he wants to look like a little kid with an earring, but when I ask you for a skull you start to tell me WHAT boys are wearing. Let me lay this out for you idiot since you aren't getting it.  I'm standing here wearing pretty & preppy Express brand clothes with FOUR facial piercings and more earrings in my right ear than one human should have. I quite obviously am NOT caring what EVERYONE is doing. Show me to the damn skulls. 

Step 6: Don't shop at places call Italian Jewelry. See, I think that was my mistake with Step 5 because the cute little punky girl at Claire's helped me right away. The fact it was CALLED Italian jewelry and had the TACKIEST shit on the planet on display right by their sign SHOULD have clued me in, well, it DID clue me in, but I went anyway. Asked about a skull or bone earring. Guy looked at me funny and showed my stupid fake diamonds.  I switched to Spanish because he was pissing me off and acting like he didn't speak English and IF he was Italian he WOULD understand me (I spoke Spanish in Italy and got along JUST fine). He said "I understood you, people don't like skulls." 


Me to Pseudo - brother: Why can we NEVER have a normal shopping experience?
Pseudo-brother to me: (Shrugs) Fate.

Step 7: Don't price compare, ever, because if you're waiting till NOW to shop, well, you just need to buy what you want when you see it and stop stressing. If you don't you'll either go to five stores, remember that either store number one or store number two had it cheapest, go back there and it's gone OR you'll be tired, annoyed at fake Italian jewelry salesman, only to see that the perfume place has the Obsession your sister wanted cheaper than the department store but the line is hanging out and you're too close to that damn jewelry store and you might just start swearing at those stupid asshats in a third language. Just go home. 

Step 8: Get the futon out of my van. I really have to stop doing people favors. Part of the damn reason that I've dragged Pseudo-Brother to the mall tonight is simply because he has the bikes that Santa is bringing the kids that he has been hiding in his living room for a month and now I can't get the damn things in because I have a futon in my van that does not belong to me.  So here we are, in a dark parking lot, where people are riding around swearing (Really what has happened to this mall!?!) trying to quickly transport two bikes from one car to another. 

This does NOT look kosher.
And as my friends know I'm already on the outs with the law. 
Hurry dammit, here comes mall security. 

Step 9: Get home. Seriously, I'm laughing so hard at how ridiculous all of this was and I've only been out for two hours. TWO HOURS. In two hours I've managed to: 

1. Impulse buy about $50 of shit I don't need. 
2. See people just a' openin' and a' eatin' cookies without paying like you are just supposed to. 
3. Almost get hit by THREE cars. 
4. Been given a fashion "lesson" by sleazy fake Italians. 
5. Almost punched said fake Italians for their smart mouth. 
6. Paid too much money for already overpriced perfume. 
7. Managed to get stared at like I was stealing bikes. 

Just. Go. Home. 

Or stop for more coffee. 
One cream, two sugars. 
With Daniel.

Step 10: Drink. I drank all of the moonshine. Damn Mayans. All I have left is wine in a box which I bought because I figured, hey, why not, the world is ending, might as well buy wine in a box and NO ONE DRANK IT. Seems I've established a standard of drinking in my household. Excellent. Well, I've got that and I think there might be some daiquiri in the freezer. Might as well! 

Cheers everyone! Have an AWESOME Christmas. 
I'll see you on Kujichagulia - sound it out phonetically, TRUST ME..... XD 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
Subtitle: Honestly, I'm not sure what I will miss more, the Earth itself OR being able to use the End of the World as an excuse for my behavior. 
Indy Zombie

Bri/Addy Zombie 

A list of the top ten things I got my husband agree to this year "just in case" we were in our last days. (And a few just mean things I did with the power of the gag)

#10: It let me make fun of my students. Not that I don't do that anyway, but the fact that this all started when some kid told me that I HAD to believe in this because I was a Spanish teacher just made it all that much more fun. 

Students: Do you believe in the Mayan calendar?
Me: Yep
Students: Really?
Me: Yep (kids get nervous)
Students: Sra., what did the Mayans say we should do??
Me: Buy Twinkies (pause) *laugh hysterically*
Stduents: That's not funny Sra. We BELIEVE what you say!!!

#9: The Thriller. Since this was going to be my last birthday, I got Hot Roommate to agree to take me to the theme park, dressed in Zombie garb, covered in fake blood, on my birthday, to learn to dance the Thriller. It's surprisingly easy. Hot Roommate said normal women like to go to fancy restaurants and get jewelry. I got to play a zombie and got a piercing. :) Win. 

#8: I got to ride every ride at King's Dominion. And not alone. There were some things, i.e. the Dominator (that people have BLACKED OUT) and the DropZone (that some chic got her legs cut off in Ohio). I took Hot Roommate with me. He rode EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. And not only that but he held my hand while the rides were ascending and I was in some cases crying. All in the name of the End of the World. 

#7: Hank. No, this is more for my husband than anything, but we bought a REALLY BIG TRUCK that we named after Hank McCoy (the Beast from X-men) for no reason. HIS reason(s)?? For one, if the world ends, we won't have to pay for it anyway. Secondly, it will hold up really well in the Zombie Apocalypse as long as we have gas to siphon. 

Hardened Zombie Killer 
Point for husband. 

#6 DisneyWorld. I am NOT a fan. I like Disney movies, just not mobs of obnoxious people paying more money than they should for something that was probably made in a sweat shop, but I digress... In the interest of my children, and my desire to give them some fun memories before they become hardened Zombie Killers, I braved DisneyWorld and learned some value lessons that you can find HERE. 

If you have not read this entry and are short on time, I will recap. 

Stay at the Polynesian. 

#5 Making Friends with Strange Foreign people. Evidently, I'm not the only person on the planet in love with a fictional space archaeologist. I decided to give Twitter a second chance and met some cool ass people. This is AFTER Hot Roommate warned me of the dangers of strange Canadians (confused?? see THIS entry) but I didn't listen to him. I made friends. Got a passport. Mailed presents. Got presents. And if we survive tomorrow, I'm meeting up with said crazy folk to group jump Mr. Canadian Hot Pants next summer. Watch out sexy...we're coming...

#4 Tattoos. I've always tattoos, but using the Mayan Calendar as my excuse, I upped my two tats at the start of 2012 to seven, the most important of which are Athena & Dionysus.  After all, when the Zombies do get me and I'm sent to the Underworld and meet up with AeacusRhadamanthus and King Minos that I can just flash my wrists and be like, look, I'm in good with TWO of the big man's kids...
Owl of Athena 

Zombie Jello 
#3: Convert the Christmas Party to an End of the World Party. No cute sweaters and carols over here. The only Carol you are getting is running from Zombies, and Twinkies, Ramen and Chef Boyardee are at the top of the menu. We are having a champagne toast at midnight when we survive. The decor will be Mayan and Zombie. There will be shenanigans. 

#2: Piercings! When 2012 started, I had five piercings. I now have twelve. And EVERY pre-piercing conversation went like this. 

Me: Honey, I'm going to get _______ pierced. 
Hot Roommate: No
Me: Yes, it's my body. 
Hot Roommate: That I have to look at. 
Me: Please (pouts like girls I hate but he can't say no to)
Hot Roommate: Why?
Me: Because if the world ends, I will never know what it was like to have a ________ piercing. 

I repeat. I now have TWELVE. :P

See my tongue LOL??

#1: ChiCon!!! Yes, using the End of the World as my justification I got my husband to drive FOURTEEN hours on our WEDDING ANNIVERSARY for me to HUG ANOTHER MAN. 
It went down like this: 

Me: AHHHH!!!! Michael Shanks is doing a US CONVENTION. 
Hot Roommate: Oh god, of course he is. Where?
Me: Chicago.
Hot Roommate: That's too far...
Me: No, it's about as far as going to see your family. 
Hot Roommate: When is it?
Me: Our Anniversary....
Hot Roommate: Brianne....
Me: PLEASE. What if the world ends and I never got to hug Daniel Jackson???

Daniel Jackson, wait, I mean Michael Shanks :P 
Guess who I hugged????
Daniel Jackson

P.S. Remember how Monday was supposed to be about how to get in if you are headed our way once the world ends???
I'm gonna keep it simple:
Don't be a selfish asshat and bring food and wine. 
See you there...

Monday, December 17, 2012

How to Mourn

How to Mourn
Subtitle: This is a change of plans but I am just not feeling funny this weekend. Sorry. 

 I was at my own kid's school on Friday so I didn't hear the news. I returned home to a plethora of tweets requesting I hug my kids, kids who had done as they do everyday after school, dashed outside to play. Confused, especially since only so much can be revealed in 140 characters I went to a news website to see what horror happened in Newton, CT. Shock I think is the best way to describe what I was feeling, shock, because as much as I wanted to cry I couldn't, I had to keep it together for my kids. 

I waited for my husband to come home so we could talk before calling the kids inside, my kids, ages 6 & 7, just like the angels that died on Friday. Trapped in the inventory room at work, he had not heard either until his commute home, but our initial reaction was the same: we just wanted to lock them in a padded box and never let them out. We can't of course, it's a nice thought, but we brought them in one at a time to explain to them what happened and talk to them about the horrible possibility of something similar happening in their school. 

Today's entry is really for me than anyone else. Sorry, but there are no crazy instructions.  What I did the rest of the weekend was just try to remain as normal as possible. I understand for some watching the 24/7 coverage was how they coped, but I just couldn't. I still can't. Sure, I want to understand what happened, but right now, now,  I'm not there yet. I can't talk about the president's words or know little details of the victims because emotionally I can't do that and then put my own 6 & 7 year old on the bus this week. I didn't watch the service because I'm not ready to admit what I would do were that my own child. 

As we enter this week please stop attacking on another. I know we are all angry, but we need to heal a bit before we start tearing into one another. Any trained psychologist can tell you, hell I am just a teacher and I can tell you, that as you move through the stages of grief that it is never wise to make snap judgements during the anger phase. I will save my own political views for now, but I will say that no choice, on either side, made out of anger solved a problem. 

And on one final note, I am a teacher. In the United States. Where there exists the phrase: "Those who can do, those who can't teach." 

I'm going put it to you this way. 

"Those who can, put themselves in front of bullets for your children, this is after they teacher them, love them, guide them and be everything we need them to be while we work. Those you can't, well, watch TV and make judgments." 

Love everyone. Understand differences. Be compassionate. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right. 

I would fix it all if I could. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

How NOT to be the cause of the end of the world

How NOT to be the cause of the end of the world
Subtitle: I legit almost lost it. For real. Here is how I didn’t. 

Step 1: Call Jodie. Ok, don’t call Jodie because the woman has other things to do than calm people down, but find a friend who has the ability to go days without sleep and call them. They will listen to you rant, try to understand and then send you insane things to make you feel better. 

Step 2: Watch dirty British comedies. Because when you are essentially told the educational equivalent of “you have six months to make it to the moon, here’s you Model T to do it in” you need to laugh and watching Eddie Izzard talk about God handing out sexual positions, or better yet, Michael McIntyre go nuts about his man drawer, you tend to be a little less....homicidal. 

Step 3: Try to take every stupid thing that happened in your meeting and make it a Stargate scenario. If you are a fan of Stargate and my OC Fan Fic Series Continuation Surprise Package here is a tid bit: 

Here was my synopsis: "Ad, ja-wer, my love, I need u to get to work on new Ancient dictionary" "Indy don't we have 1?" "Yea, but IOA wants another FOR NO REASON"

Here was my conversation with another fan fic writer friend of mine: 

There was more. Follow us. It was long and funny and amused me. Like most things do. 

Step 4: While you are at it write a Daniel & Addy sex scene, I mean why the hell not?? Open up a new pages file and have Adrienne relieve a little tension. Then get mad because you are in public and feel icky writing sex in Panera bread. So, wait until you get home to write this blog and find you already wrote a similar scene it and it is RIGHT here. 

Step 5: Get Wine. Yep, in step 5. Like the ENTIRE BOTTLE. You hopefully have closed the Panera bread, they close earlier than you thought, and now you are headed home and you need to stop for wine, not, and NOT Moscato because what is that my friends??? (If you forgot see here) and take it home and pour. 

Step 6: Get ice cream and rum, or, more like get your significant other to bring it home because you are well into your bottle of ruche and there is no way that you can stand let alone, get Ben & Jerry’s hunny....Chunkee Munkee...iz yummy....and Malibu rum....yeah...

Step 7: The gym is open till midnight...SHIT! How many calories are in that?!?! Take me to the gym. Serilsuly...I’m not drunk...Imma gunna lift that....

On the floor

NOT doing sit ups

Doesn’t laughing count. 

Step 8: Call Jodie drunk and sore and ask for more British comedy. If she is asleep, which she should be, you truly need to sleep more sweetie, I care and worry, just search for Rhod Gilbert. Because nothing, truly, in funnier than watching him try to understand a $200 toothbrush. 

Step 9: Take solace in the fact that the world is gonna end next week and you are too drunk right now to buy a bomb and be the cause of it. I’m not even sure what I am typing anymore. Am I blogging? Am I writing Surprise Package? Am I grading? Is the meaning of life 42? 

Step 10: Pass out. Can somebody please put me to bed and forward this shit to MGM or whoever the fuck might find me creative or funny. Thanks. In the meantime I am going to dream that I am Addy and Daniel is nuzzling close to me.... (Didn’t think I’d get him in, didya?? Boo-yah) 

Monday, December 10, 2012

How to Survive in a Horror Movie

How to Survive in a Horror Movie
Subtitle: Since we are heading for FULL on horror movies at this point, this might extend beyond movies. 

Step 1: Your wardrobe: Never wear a red shirt. Now, I know this was a rule originated with Star Trek, but regardless, it is a good rule to follow for a few key horror movie reasons;

  1. It tends to be a color that makes it hard when you are trying to hide in the forest, stupidly, because running into THAT instead of down a well lit road was a good idea (See step 6), red is a pretty easy color to spot. May I suggest camo. 
  2. It hides the blood so you will have to stagger around dramatically post being stabbed while your idiot friends all continue to talk and you die slowly. In that case, white might be best, gets them to shut the hell up.
  3. The guy in the red shirt dies first. Unless there is a black guy, in which case, he dies first (See step 3) 

Step 2: Don’t visit a foreign country if you’re a white woman and are only taking with you ONE also white female friend. Apparently foreign wackos like cute white girls, so they will target you and chances are that I am like the only crazy white woman reading this (it counts that I am reading it as I write) that can use a variety of weaponry. My point is that two cute Caucasian coeds alone in Europe don’t go fast like red shirt dude. They get their lips sewn to each other’s butt holes (I am still not over how funny that movie really was am I?) 

Step 3: Don’t be black, unless you know you are going to die and want to go first in which case, by all means. And, as my friends have pointed out, not only will the black character die first, but if a new black character is introduced the first will be killed faster OR this one has just been introduced so the other could live longer. Honestly, I have a theory about this. I think that the reason they die first is because if Jason did his little slow walk up to a sistah, she’d beat his ass and the movie’d be over. Oh, and as my friends have pointed out, “Black folk aren’t gonna do the other stupid shit that you are listing here. The white people tend to have a death wish.” 

Step 4: Don’t go to strange houses especially if the door is answered by a strange german or otherwise accented single man, except for scary german guy, he was cool and helped you defeat Dracula (Someone PLEASE validate me and know that movie). Let’s look at this logically - would you EVER go waltzing up to a stranger’s house in your neighborhood for a cup of sugar? Ok, then why in the hell is it ok in a strange country, with eerie shit going on and you STILL go inside after the guy at the door is NOT friendly, or concerned for you and ogles you. (This is not A Human Centipede Blog I swear - see - look - I LOVE MICHAEL SHANKS - fixed it) 

Step 5: Don’t eat or drink things given to you by strange people especially after you have disregarded step 4 and have NOW decided you need to leave because then you deserve what’s coming. Seriously? You looked at your friend and said, let’s get out of here and THEN drank the water. In fact, I think once weird, unfortunate or any sort of unusual shit happens that you immediately cease and desist all eating and drinking. Hear me!?! Cease and desist. 

Step 6: Don’t go into the woods. I don’t like going into the woods during daylight hours but as I watch horror films it never ceases to amaze me how shit hits the fan and rather than stay on a well lit street these idiots (white, yes, always white) head straight for the trees. What exactly was your plan!?! Were you thinking that you would climb them? Tarzan your way out of trouble? Why are you not trying to find someone with a gun, like a cop? Evil cop following you? Fine, go to the firehouse, that water pressure can rip your face off! Just don’t go into the woods. Or you deserve what happens. 

Step 7: Don’t scream. I mean, yelling for help is fine, if there is a chance that someone that can help you will find you, but stop that constant crying or muttering “We’re gonna die,” etc. because guess what!?! If you are being chased and are sitting there talking to yourself from your shitty hiding spot, they are gonna HEAR you. And if you are the screaming chick, you are going to draw them to the group. Wait, on second thought, take that chick and throw her in the opposite direction in which you need to run, again, NOT into the woods. 

Step 8: STAY TOGETHER. For some reason together keeps you alive, supposed safety in numbers crap, even if you are surrounded by bimbos. This isn’t hard, don’t leave the group. Don’t go check out that noise, don’t go after the dumbass that went off alone already, don’t feel guilty about the screamer you shoved down to get away, just don’t leave. Do you hear that Carl? Don’t leave the group! Please my friends, Carl is a lucky booger, don’t use him as a model. He should have died a season ago. 

Step 9: Don’t try to STUDY the creature. Kill it, burn it, spread the ashes in fifty bazillion places. Don’t try to be God and figure out what made it tick, think you can save it’s soul, or any other stupid feel good idea you might have. If you are having any feelings now other than self-preservation you belong on the Hallmark Channel or in a Christmas Movie with Mr. Canadian Hot Pants (yay! got him in and it was NOT contrived) NOT in this. Not only is this a bad idea for you, you will get killed, but you have now set us up for a sequel, which means more people will die. Dumbass

Step 10: NEVER HAVE SEX - ever. It’s like a last meal in horror world and sometimes you don’t even get to finish (Too much?). Sex in a horror movie is an open invitation to have your head chopped off. But, if you’re going to do it, last days and all, then you might as well drink while you are at it. Bottom’s up! 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

How to Keep Your Word

How to Keep Your Word
Subtitle: I promised you fools blogs on Monday and Thursdays. 
It's Thursday.
I hope you love me. 
AKA - The idiot's guide to insomnia...

Step 1: Ugh, for real, it is midnight and I am caught between the land of awake and asleep. See, I am awake, most likely because I could give Daniel Jackson a SERIOUS run for his money on coffee addiction, but I am so tired because it is midnight and normal people sleep at midnight and my brain is telling me to go to bed and I am kind of tired right now so, yeah, bed. 

Step 2: Wow, really 3 am? Why am I writing this? Oh, that's right, a promise those damn stupid things I keep insisting on keeping. So here I am, up at 3, because I have the bladder of a 5 year old, fully awake, sitting with the laptop trying to think of something witty to say. I've got nothing. Maybe if I go to sleep Daniel will come back. 

Step 3: 5 am  - Hot Roommate wakes up. Hun, we've been together nearly 12 years and you'd think I'd be used to how loud you really are when you are getting ready for work, but I'm not, and believe it or not I am actually laying here wishing you would just go already. I am finally asleep!!! There, if I lay here and pretend that I didn't wake up, you won't talk to me. Let's do that. 

Step 4: 6:30 am. They kids are truly fighting over cereal. At 6:30. That I bought at Sam's Club.  That I can get more of. I was having a nice dream. A strange one, talking with Jason Momoa about our significant others and no damn Hot Pants of course but maybe that is because I am cheating on him right now with Norman Reedus. GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I'M UP!!

Step 5: It's so quiet, where are all of the students? I'm not gonna say a word, just sit here and try to get things Skype boop or anything....

Step 6: Oh, wait, there they are. 

Step 7: Can I just go back to bed?

Step 8: No, for real, I am not 100% better yet, I think I am going to get in the bed. 

Step 9: Or write Daniel & Addy...they always make me better. 

Step 10: Shit! It's 8:55...I've got to get this up like PRONTO!! Look, I DID do a blog today. I swear Monday's will be funny. If I get sleep. Again. Ever.

Monday, December 3, 2012

How to Know We Are in Our Last Days

How to Know We Are in Our Last Days
Subtitle: If you are not convinced yet, well, I should probably just leave you to the zombies. 

Miss the countdown?? It’s days now, days. I honestly cannot believe you are still playing online and not preparing. 

Sign #1: The weather. At this point I would like to remind everyone that I have a Master’s Degree in Ancient History and Culture (yes, yes, if you’re new to this crazy train you just thought well ding ding THAT explains the Daniel Jackson/Michael Shanks obsession - yes, it does, especially since I discovered who he was AFTER I got my degree and tats...). Now, we all know from the book of Revelation that shit’s gonna hit the fan and it really already has.  There have been earthquakes all over the place, snowstorms, hurricanes.  Legit, I’m waiting for the locusts. No Hot Roommate, that’s not funny. Stop throwing dead beetles at me. 

Sign #2: The Mayans. Let’s face it, everybody on the planet has been wrong in predicting crap except the Mayans. These great people are so frakkin’ smart that every single damn time they got it right. Here are some predictions that came true, including, but not limited to: 

  1. The arrival of Hernan Cortes
  2. 9/11
  3. Hitler
  4. The Black Hole in our galaxy
  5. The birth of my second child
  6. Daniel Jackson’s ascension 
  7. The cancellation of SGU
  8. The fact that Sophia would become a zombie thereby having to be killed by Rick at the end of season 2. 

You get the point. They’re some smart mothers. 

Sign #3 The Stores Know. No, I’m serious, because they’re doing little tiny things that are freaking me out. Party City in my area, for example, has “Mayan End of the World” party supplies but NO New Year’s and a limited Christmas Selection. The grocery store is stocking “End of the World Beer.” Everybody and their mama is pushing TV’s like mad, in Hot Roommate’s humble opinion so they can sell everything off, make money and buy Twinkies before the zombies come...

Sign #4 And speaking of Twinkies, Hostess went out of business. Now, my friends, we can look at this from two different angles. We can see this from two angles. One - the collapse of an American Icon and the loss of many important jobs which is not what this recovering economy needs or Two - those little rich old white men that own Hostess know. They know this is the end. They have shut down operations to hold themselves up in a bunker like area with the ingredients and recipe to make the only foodstuff to survive last days...

Sign #5 The Media knows. Ok, so not only is there a show called Doomsday Preppers (which is HILARIOUS and TERRIFYING at the same time) but the makers of this show that film and assess the preparedness of these people TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. Like 100%. And these people are not prepping for the December 21st end of the world where the zombies are coming, they each have their own take on what is going down. Here are just a few:

  • 5 category 5 tornados hitting all at once in the SAME damn place 
  • The Madrid Fault splitting the USA in half
  • Nuclear war, not with the Middle East but with RUSSIA 
  • Rise in sea level (sudden mind you, not gradual)
  • Pretty much any Michael Shanks disaster film

And show aside, the commercials are for prepping supplies - seeds, food that will survive last days, oxygen masks and they’re are serious too. 

This is the proof that Saturday Night Live sucks now. They could do an ENTIRE episode spoofing both the preppers AND the commercials. But they don’t. They do weird hipster shit that’s not funny. 

Someone call Will Ferrell 

Sign #6 Obama. I’m gonna offend people here, but please remember that I live in the South. Some people here still think there’s a war going on. On November 6th 2012 we re-elected Barack Obama as our president. This is not political. This is racial. He is a black man. We have elected a black man TWICE to lead our country. The night he won like ALL of my black friends called me and said, and I quote: 

“Bri, you better be setting up for us to come to your place on the 21st. We’ve elected a black man president. Twice. We are in our last days. You better settle up with the Lord soon.” 

I tend to listen to them. A lot. I’m a little concerned...

Sign #7 The South shall rise again! So, then, the VERY next day states starting trying to secede from the Union. South Carolina did first, of course, again, but they’re been pulling that shit since 1787 but if you want to get technical 1776 because they never wanted to be in the Union in the first place. Let them leave. I’m not sure why they are still here anyway. But rational states petitioned, like New York, citing Obama’s reelection. WTF!?!  Romney wanted to cut FEMA!!! Who is currently helping you dig out from Sandy. And furthermore, let’s put politics aside, go ahead, leave. See how much you get done without the government. We won’t let you back in. And have a good time dealing with China on your own. Except for Texas. You need to stay. You’ve got that Twinkie bunker. 

Sign #8 Towel Hoarding. If you have not read the Black Friday blog please see this: Click Here.  We went out for our innocent Black Friday shopping to get bikes and TVs and noted that almost every store had towels for sale. Thinking this to be a perfect opportunity to stock up on some home essentials we set out for the towel area, which were clearly marked on the store map which should have been a hint in and of itself, we made our way over to said bins. And they were GONE. ALL of them. At 8:07...SEVEN minutes after the start. Befuddled, we proceeded to the register, wondering how in the world we missed the memo on necessary towel looting when we caught sight of a cart with ALL of the towels. You don’t NEED that many towels!! Why do you have them!?! know about last days....

Follow him...

Sign #9 Honey Boo Boo Child. First, the fact that an overweight poorly taken care of child in her pursuit of winning contests which only live to serve to objectify women is entertaining to anyone should be indicator enough, but this poor child and her disgusting mother make more than the following necessary professions:

  1. Teachers
  2. Police Officers
  3. Doctors
  4. Fire Fighters

Secondly, and I cringe as I write this so this is all I am going to say on the topic: Fork Lift Toe. 

And if you enjoy this show, here is a link to the film Idiocracy. You need to watch it NOW. 

Sign #10 Dick Clark is NOT rocking in the New Year. He died and no jokes here, I cried. Dick Clark has been Rockin’ in our New Year’s Eves since 1974, (mine since 1980 :) ) which means that you too Mr. Canadian Hot Pants probably don’t remember a New Year’s without him! I just don’t think it is a coincidence that he died this year... I have nothing against Ryan Seacrest, I find him kind of charming, but I am incline to believe that without Dick Clark counting down we’re not going to make it that far...

See what I mean?? We only have 18 days....

I will be sending more information on Thursday. 

Honorable Mentions for Signs of Last Days: 

Michael Shanks says that Toronto winning a sports championship of any kind is a sign. (Don’t watch sports, trusting you on this one cutie)

Adriane says we are down to one Golden Girl.

Ryan says Disney owns Star Wars. 

Mary says that Pot is finally legal. 

Natalie cites the Pope is on Twitter. 

Get the idea... 

It’s ALL over...