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Thursday, December 20, 2012

How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
Subtitle: Honestly, I'm not sure what I will miss more, the Earth itself OR being able to use the End of the World as an excuse for my behavior. 
Indy Zombie

Bri/Addy Zombie 

A list of the top ten things I got my husband agree to this year "just in case" we were in our last days. (And a few just mean things I did with the power of the gag)

#10: It let me make fun of my students. Not that I don't do that anyway, but the fact that this all started when some kid told me that I HAD to believe in this because I was a Spanish teacher just made it all that much more fun. 

Students: Do you believe in the Mayan calendar?
Me: Yep
Students: Really?
Me: Yep (kids get nervous)
Students: Sra., what did the Mayans say we should do??
Me: Buy Twinkies (pause) *laugh hysterically*
Stduents: That's not funny Sra. We BELIEVE what you say!!!

#9: The Thriller. Since this was going to be my last birthday, I got Hot Roommate to agree to take me to the theme park, dressed in Zombie garb, covered in fake blood, on my birthday, to learn to dance the Thriller. It's surprisingly easy. Hot Roommate said normal women like to go to fancy restaurants and get jewelry. I got to play a zombie and got a piercing. :) Win. 

#8: I got to ride every ride at King's Dominion. And not alone. There were some things, i.e. the Dominator (that people have BLACKED OUT) and the DropZone (that some chic got her legs cut off in Ohio). I took Hot Roommate with me. He rode EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. And not only that but he held my hand while the rides were ascending and I was in some cases crying. All in the name of the End of the World. 

#7: Hank. No, this is more for my husband than anything, but we bought a REALLY BIG TRUCK that we named after Hank McCoy (the Beast from X-men) for no reason. HIS reason(s)?? For one, if the world ends, we won't have to pay for it anyway. Secondly, it will hold up really well in the Zombie Apocalypse as long as we have gas to siphon. 

Hardened Zombie Killer 
Point for husband. 

#6 DisneyWorld. I am NOT a fan. I like Disney movies, just not mobs of obnoxious people paying more money than they should for something that was probably made in a sweat shop, but I digress... In the interest of my children, and my desire to give them some fun memories before they become hardened Zombie Killers, I braved DisneyWorld and learned some value lessons that you can find HERE. 

If you have not read this entry and are short on time, I will recap. 

Stay at the Polynesian. 

#5 Making Friends with Strange Foreign people. Evidently, I'm not the only person on the planet in love with a fictional space archaeologist. I decided to give Twitter a second chance and met some cool ass people. This is AFTER Hot Roommate warned me of the dangers of strange Canadians (confused?? see THIS entry) but I didn't listen to him. I made friends. Got a passport. Mailed presents. Got presents. And if we survive tomorrow, I'm meeting up with said crazy folk to group jump Mr. Canadian Hot Pants next summer. Watch out sexy...we're coming...

#4 Tattoos. I've always tattoos, but using the Mayan Calendar as my excuse, I upped my two tats at the start of 2012 to seven, the most important of which are Athena & Dionysus.  After all, when the Zombies do get me and I'm sent to the Underworld and meet up with AeacusRhadamanthus and King Minos that I can just flash my wrists and be like, look, I'm in good with TWO of the big man's kids...
Owl of Athena 

Zombie Jello 
#3: Convert the Christmas Party to an End of the World Party. No cute sweaters and carols over here. The only Carol you are getting is running from Zombies, and Twinkies, Ramen and Chef Boyardee are at the top of the menu. We are having a champagne toast at midnight when we survive. The decor will be Mayan and Zombie. There will be shenanigans. 

#2: Piercings! When 2012 started, I had five piercings. I now have twelve. And EVERY pre-piercing conversation went like this. 

Me: Honey, I'm going to get _______ pierced. 
Hot Roommate: No
Me: Yes, it's my body. 
Hot Roommate: That I have to look at. 
Me: Please (pouts like girls I hate but he can't say no to)
Hot Roommate: Why?
Me: Because if the world ends, I will never know what it was like to have a ________ piercing. 

I repeat. I now have TWELVE. :P

See my tongue LOL??

#1: ChiCon!!! Yes, using the End of the World as my justification I got my husband to drive FOURTEEN hours on our WEDDING ANNIVERSARY for me to HUG ANOTHER MAN. 
It went down like this: 

Me: AHHHH!!!! Michael Shanks is doing a US CONVENTION. 
Hot Roommate: Oh god, of course he is. Where?
Me: Chicago.
Hot Roommate: That's too far...
Me: No, it's about as far as going to see your family. 
Hot Roommate: When is it?
Me: Our Anniversary....
Hot Roommate: Brianne....
Me: PLEASE. What if the world ends and I never got to hug Daniel Jackson???

Daniel Jackson, wait, I mean Michael Shanks :P 
Guess who I hugged????
Daniel Jackson

P.S. Remember how Monday was supposed to be about how to get in if you are headed our way once the world ends???
I'm gonna keep it simple:
Don't be a selfish asshat and bring food and wine. 
See you there...

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