Follow by Email

Monday, October 29, 2012

How to Take Students Abroad
Subtitle: Remember that they are kids. Their gutter minds are worse than ours. Well, yours maybe, mine just got worse with age. 

54 days. I live off of Rte. 54. Route 54. Ashland. Randolph-Macon.
I think that is where we will be headed...

Step 1: Passports. Ok, so because some stupid asshats at the DMV decided back in the day to hand out driver’s licenses like candy we Americans now have to have passports to BREATHE or go to Canada (Hence the Hot Pants stalking for me is limited to Stargate Cons and Twitter). Therefore, the most important venture in this little quest is to  secure the children this very important form of identification. Here is a nice little website to help you:  USE THIS. DO NOT PASS GO. YOU CANNOT GET THEM AT WALGREENS. I state this because I have taken students abroad and had a parent argue this with me.  

Step 2: Have the students pack accordingly, which pretty much means always always always make them have a swimsuit. Always. Even if the schedule and the tour guide swear you do not need them because what is going to happen is that you are going to get to a river in France, the bus pulls over and the guide suggests you take a swim. And the teens will start to get nekked. FOR.REAL. As you frantically try to negotiate how much clothing they need to leave on. Honestly, I am not sure how I did not get fired. 

Step 3: Make your expectations of travel VERY clear. Case in point: Tour buses, don’t let them sit coed for 12 hour overnight trips. Teens do not care. Bitches will make-out, or more...and the last thing you want to be responsible for is the next episode of teen mom.  Don’t believe me? Just ask ONE band director, or better yet a choir director. You.Will.Be.Shocked. Also, prep you students in advance not to announce any life changes on planes over the Atlantic i.e. don’t come out, publicly, thousands of feet above the sea. Yes, sweetie, I love you and I am so glad we are still in touch but do you realize the heart attack you gave me? That’s why you owe me that free room for my next Con. 

Step 4: Warn them of food differences, in both name and menu.  Sometimes you just need to ASK what something is, because the kids are not going to. Here is a piece of Canadian trivia - apparently in parts of Ontario they are not called Chicken Nuggets but called Chicken Balls. We discovered this on my senior year marching band trip to Toronto. Here’s how it went down:

Band Director: Ok guys, the menu for us is posted, pick before you get in line. 
Student C: Mr. F? That says Chicken Balls. What are Chicken Balls? 
Band Director: I dunno Balls of Chicken?
Band Director: What? ( <------- THAT was your first mistake teach)
Student B: I am trying to figure out where the balls are on a chicken.
Student A: Chickens are female, they don’t have balls. 
Student C: Roosters do. 
Student B: Hey _______ your dad raises chickens, do roosters have balls? 
Student D: I am not eating ANY animals testicles...what is WRONG with Canada.
Band Director: (through his teeth) Order the damn cheeseburgers.

Step 5: Avoid three hour tours. Not only was this a BAD idea for Gilligan (No old jokes, I watch this on re-runs on Nick at Night) but there is not city in the Universe that is that interesting. Except for, well, maybe Toronto. Got another band trip story....I’m just making Marching Band look so good aren’t I?  Let’s play this little dialog out for you as well. 

Student B: I’m going to sleep because if that woman says ‘amalgamation’ one more time I may scream. Scoot over, I am leaning on you. 
Me: Whatever
Student B: (Leans over on me - goes to sleep) 
Me: (45 mins later) OW! Get up your heavy...
Student B: Is it over yet? (Looks out of window and LEAPS from seat) OH MY GOD IT’S A CONDOM SHACK!!!! 
Entire Bus: (Leaps from seat running to window - faces pressed to glass)
Tour Guide: BLAH BLAH BLAH Amalgamation BLAH BLAH
Band Director: Honestly, I have no clue what he said, I think he just gave up.  

Oh and I am NOT making this up: SEE!!!

Step 6: And while we are on the topic of driving, let’s talk about Italian drivers and how you need to avoid them. At all costs. They are INSANE. Like, special kind of insane. In fact, if you can, get a tour bus to drive you around because they are prepared for this. Got another story. Stuck in Italian traffic jam, which is pretty insane because the car are literally touching one another. So, I was sitting with our tour guide, having a very lovely conversation about a certain apple alcohol that we all know I love when all of a sudden the entire bus shook. Leaping to his feet, our tour guide raced down the steps of the bus, ordering in Italian for the driver to open the door and proceeded to hang out of the somewhat moving bus and scream at a very angry man in a tiny Italian that was ramming our bus and swearing right back. Honestly, I was kinda terrified, but it was also so hysterical that I just started laughing as the man in the car started to climb through his window and beat on the bus. Moral of the story: Don’t drive in Italy. EVER.

Step 7: Know where you can get medical treatment. REAL medical treatment, not the cute little Italian old lady who wants to buy your sick student who is literally turning red and is running a fever in the middle of Florence and no one can understand why you are speaking Spanish well and without an accent trying to get help and would rather ask you how you learned to speak Spanish than listen to you, great, the kid is throwing up again, hun go lay on that bench while I try to find, yes ma’am, thank you, thank you so much for the gelato, yes I am sure it will help.  

No worries. She was ok. I let her sleep on the bench and then took her to see David. I think David would fix anybody. 

Step 8: Make sure your students understand that two things will happen in crowds: 
  1. Someone will NOT be wearing deodorant. And I am not talking like how I am a little ripe after a run, but I am talking about like they would never be able to find the aisle in the supermarket and the stink is so bad you want to lose your lunch. Oh, look at that pretty cloud, breathe in, breathe out. Now hold your breath. 
  2. Gypsies will steal you blind. I am not trying to say nasty things about gypsies, but I have SEEN them hand someone their baby while their three year old picks a pocket. Put your money in your bra or other under garments because since no one is wearing any deodorant anyway a little boob sweat isn’t gonna hurt. So, the answer to your question is, I TOLD you this would happen when we were back in Spain sitting on my roof. I am NOT buying your gelato. 

Step 9: Ok, looking back at this blog, don’t take students to Italy or Canada. No good will come of it.  

Step 10: Go to the Corte Ingl├ęs. Buy Manzana Verde. Like FIVE BOTTLES. Put the children to bed. Tape their doors so they cannot make sexy time. Go out onto the veranda. Find Tour Guide. Drink. Sleep. Repeat. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

How to Go To College

How to Go to College
Subtitle: I am not sure how we graduated. Seriously, did we even go to class??

58 days. I got nothing. No seriously, I haven't even bought those special bullets. 

Step 1:  Find one other insane person with whom to share this experience. Personally, I found that orientation worked pretty well for me, since I quite literally found one of the most insane people in my life right off the bat. There was something about her, locura radiating from her person, and I bounced up happily and introduced myself (i’m kinda loud, I do things like that).  However, if going to cheesy mandatory orientations is not your thing, you can go to class, but we are putting that off as long as possible. You are going to need this person because when you find out that your assigned roommate is a Vala -like Space Herpes ridden whore, you’re gonna have to move in with them. Oh, and make sure they will clean up your puke. In an Easter bucket. Trust me, that’s helpful. 

Step 2: Cultivate a larger group of nutjobs. You need your person, yes, but we know there is safety and power in numbers, so you need to create your group, yourself. Greek life is useless. I mean really, you invited me to this stupid party, acted like fake asses, selling yourself to me, pulling me aside and saying shit about my friends and then expect me to PAY to hang out with you. I’m poor and I’m a bitch. I think I will stay with these people. You can find these people in one of three ways: 
  1. Kidnap them from the sidewalk because they are cute. (Hey - I got me a husband that way!) 
  2. Join the Theatre Guild. Trust me, ALL the crazies go here. 
  3. Roommates of the crazies. Birds of a feather shit and all. 

Step 3: Learn how to drink.  Seriously, this is probably the best advice that I can every give you and really should have been step one before you met your crazy because by this point you and your crazy now roommate think that Mad Dog 20/20 is proper alcohol, which it is NOT.  Here, just read this and come back to me as soon as you have printed your notes: How to Drink

Step 4: Use Greek life to your advantage. Ok, so remember those yuppies bitches that made you come to their stupid make-up party? Wanted you to pay like $500 a year to hang out with them? Guess what they and their male counter-parts DO with that money. THEY BUY BOOZE AND HAVE PARTIES! AND they LET you go do even though you laughed at them for not paying to be their friends and you get to drink for FREE!!! 100% Free!!! It’s genius!!! For real, is someone telling these freshman who are having to streak through campus or drink stupid shit like they’re auditioning for Fear Factor? Wait, on second thought don’t. More free booze for nerds. 

Step 5: Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. Now, here’s how dis gonna go down....and step five is da place ta put it.  Haters gonna start seeing that you got the whole college package, the parties, the trips, the everything and you didn’t do anything other than find a bunch of like minded nerds and pile into Hot Roommate’s dorm. Let ‘em hate! They’re just mad that we are all here on scholarship, don’t have to pay for our friends and are on the dean’s list. Every. Damn.Semester. Let ‘em hate. You’re gonna be laughing at them in ten years. 

Step 6: Oh yeah, maybe you should go to class. Dean’s list is all good and true but they are starting to catch on to the fact that you are never there but have an A average and now if you miss class they are going to fail you, A’s or not.  So, here’s the plan: Take classes with your nerd friends and alternate whose turn it is to go. Monday friend 1, Wednesday friend 2, Friday friend 3, etc. It works really well, I mean, hey, you got the notes from today? What do you mean it was my turn to go? It’s YOUR turn to go? No, Jessi goes on Wednesdays. What do you mean she switched? Since when???

Step 7: Prepare for the unexpected. Because one day you will be in your dorm eating a bowl of rice from your friend’s illegal rice cooker. And you will get a call that one of your acquaintances that your friends feel the need to babysit has just left the dorm to meet up with a strange Canadian Man she met on the internet (This HAS nothing to do with Michael Shanks people, I swear, THIS is how my life plays out for REAL) who happens to be named after a famous 1950’s rock star at a local seedy hotel known for Suspicious River like activities (Ha! Got HIM in this one, I am a GODDESS). But, after you throw your pajama clad ass into your car, well your friend’s car because you refuse to let the Porn Star (yes, I had an AeroStar Van in college. We peeled off the AERO and replaced it with PORN) be involved in such insanity, you drive to the hotel to discover that they are not there, it was a ruse, so you describe her to the police, explain it is a strange internet man and then drive around campus shouting her name around like a crazy person to find she has taken him back to her room to bed him.  Gross. I am going to eat my rice. 

Step 8: Indoctrinate new members. Now, you are going to face some competition from the Greek life as you try to recruit freshman, so you are going to need some good selling points. Try this list: 

  1. We are free
  2. We will not make you circle your fat while you stand naked and be judged
  3. We have older members and access to booze
  4. We are like the smartest kids on campus and run the tutoring center, so we have your grades covered.
  5. For some sick reason the profs LOVE us
  6. We won’t make you wear stupid shirts with letters from a semi-dead language on them.
  7. We are free

That should do what you need to get those new members. 

Step 9: Keep in touch with these nut jobs AFTER you graduate. Yeah, we graduated, didn’t you read the subtitle? Even though they are states away and may go through some SHIT and you don’t talk for a few years and then find everyone again on FaceBook, Twitter and just because you picked up the phone. THESE are your real friends, your family, the people you were meant to find that you were brought together with under insane circumstances. Don’t forget them. Ever. 

Step 10: Go to the reunion. Sit around your porch, watching your kids play, laughing about how dumb Hot Roommate was when you flirted with him, recount runs to Philly to buy cheesesteaks and stealing street cones. Because you made it this far and the best is yet to come. Spanish wine anyone? 

I love you guys so much and I always will

Monday, October 22, 2012

How to go to the Pumpkin Patch

How to go to the Pumpkin Patch
Subtitle: When in the hell did this become a fashion show? 

61 days left. You might want to get some extra. Punkin’s good eatin’ 

Step 1: Select a time.  Now, visiting the pumpkin patch is one of parentings most beloved traditions and a must do if you have kids under 10. However, since so many people indulge in the tradition as well, you need to realize that it will be crowded so pick a good day and time. As a Southern Atheist, I figured Sunday would be my best best because all of my fellow Bible belters are churching it up. Arrive at 10 a.m. What.The.Hell. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE HERE?? So, it’s alright to harass my child about NOT going to church and believing in God but YOU can skip your weekly cleansing to pick pumpkins. Hypocrites....

Step 2: Dress Appropriately.  This is a pumpkin patch.  That means that you park in a muddy field, walk ten thousand miles through the depths of Mordor, stand in line for hours, climb onto a dirty wagon full of hay and traipse through rows and rows of live plants. Do NOT wear heels. Or thin blouses. Or hooker boots. Or white leggings. Or jeans that don’t cover your butt and I have to stare at your crack the entire hayride (which is not cute, at all) Because not only are you going to get dirty, but I am standing here wearing my comfy jeans with my iPhone WAITING to take a picture for my blog. 

Step 3: Do NOT bring your dog. Now, I like animals as much as the next person, but this place is packed and not only does your pooch NOT know how to use the toilet but I have no idea it if’s friendly or not, what your definition of friendly is and if it has ever been around children. Oh, yeah, then it breaks away and runs off and you are acting like we should catch the damn thing. I will, too, for the dog’s sake, but for yours... I hope you fall in the mud in the pursuit. 

Step 4: Don’t forget a knife. See my friends, this is a pumpkin patch, not a pumpkin stand. These things are still attached to the vines, which are attached to the ground. Now sure, you can just pick up the pumpkin and twist, but sometimes the damn thing is stubborn and you need to reach for the vine to pull it off. That bitch is PRICKLY! Like cute you prickly! Listen to MEEE!! Find don’t, yes, yep, I hear you swearing over there. And you just dropped your pumpkin. And it busted. And shot pumpkin shit. All over your white jeans. 

Step 5: Remember, bugs like plants. Ok, so, let’s pretend for a moment that you read step four, and leaned over, cutting the stem to that biggun like you should have. Look before you lift. Not only might your prize be slightly rotted (it is LAYING on the ground) but it is a fruit. And bugs like fruit. A lot. So don’t be surprised if you pick up yo gourd from the ground and you get attacked by killer bees. Because Michael Shanks isn’t gonna be there to help you. (HA!!! LOOK!! I FIT HIM IN THIS TOO!!! I AM A MASTER!!!) 

Step 6: Practice getting your pumpkins home. Practice? What in the hell is Bri talking about? Ok, look, to make sure that they don’t have a bazillion rotting pieces of killer wasp fodder (although, if that MAKES him come, I am all for this) most patches offer an all you can carry special. Which, results in, as expected, men like Hot Roommate grunting and making other ape-like noises declaring they can carry more pumpkins than the next dad. But you NEED to READ the fine print.  Your dear knight in shining armor doesn’t just have to hold these pumpkins, he had to take THREE steps. So practice quick and careful loading (let the woman do this, just saying), the three steps and the unload. Trust me. If not, don’t come crying to me when the Incredible Hulk drops a pumpkin on your head, busting it open, all over that silk blouse. *SNAP* Yeah, I took a pic of that...

Step 7: Ya gotta eat. Pumpkins secure and wheelbarrowed to the car, you have now realized that you have been here like 12 hours and the children are whithering away in front of you while the parents that packed Oreos in their took frakkin big to be here strollers are looking at you like they are ready to call child services. So you gotta feed them, which is yet another line, stretching the length of the Nile river. Get in that line and make Hot Roommate (well, YOUR Hot Roommate, not mine, I’m the jealous type) take the kiddos to look at the fish (don’t ask) but watch out! If you are not careful about three feet from where you order you are going to discover that you are in the line for doughnuts and not hot dogs, that line was the one reaching across the galaxy. Here kids, have a doughnut or 12. No, you are not getting a hot dog, we are going to eat these doughnuts I missed my 33rd birthday to buy. And go ahead “Perfect” mom, call child services. Doughnuts never killed anyone. 

Step 8: Beware the corn maze. So maybe your significant other didn’t want to take the kiddos to look at the fishes, finding the Corn Maze instead. Ok, before we begin, let’s get something straight. It’s a MAZE. Here, in case you are unsure of what that word means, read this: See! It is MEANT to be confusing. It is NOT easy, BUT the pumpkin patch has HIRED people to watch the maze in case shit goes down.  Do NOT call 911. Yes, people have done that. Here is proof: And look, yet again, a Darwin Nominee makes the blog!!

Step 9: And the Boo House. This is NOT to be confused with that scary ass shit they do after dark. THAT we don’t take our kids to. Hell, I don’t take Hot Roommate to that; he will punch someone. (Wait! Wait! If Hot Roommate won’t go.... Shanks!!! Come to VA!! Come with me!! It will be fun!!!! Make a fan’s DREAM come true!!!) Alright, I am going to STOP dreaming about jumping into the arms of hot Canadian men and refocus. There is a kid version of the boo house. It’s like $3. Your kids will beg you to go inside. It sucks. They will complain after that it sucked. Just buy them more doughnuts. 

Step 10: Visit the Christmas shop. See! Look over there, there is a gourmet food section. Salsa, Peanut Butter, Amish Candies, Organic Jellies....Wait? Where’s the wine? The sign clearly said GOURMET which we all know is code for “Shit Ton of Alcohol with One Box of Crackers so we don’t have to call ourselves the ABC store and be closed on Sundays.” You can’t sell alcohol?? Honey. Honey. HONEY!! There is not booze babe; I am out. See if Mrs. Hooker Boots will give you a ride home, once she unsticks her heel. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

How to Speak American English

How to Speak American English 
Subtitle: Because the rest of the world is laughing at us for a lot of things and our butchering of common speech is one of them. Let’s try to at least ACT like we have a clue, ok? 

** See a pattern this week?? We’ll get back to steps next week, I PROMISE, and remember, my purpose here is humor, not offense. I’m sure that there is some stuff from Monday’s post that I say that makes you cringe. Carry on.**

65 days left. If it were in years it could get Social Security, but if we keep talking like this there isn’t going to be any left. 

Word 1: Bling. Definition - a crazy amount of useless flashy shit that make you look like an asshat since you insist on waving it around.  In a sentence: I be making such bank (money - see THAT makes sense since you PUT money in a BANK) that I be covered in bling. What is wrong with the word bling is that it had NOTHING to do with the jewelry and riches that it describes, but rather is more like that sound you get when you drop a quarter on the floor.  And don’t give me the if you drop gold against the jewels you get the blinging sound and that’s where in comes from because in that case I’m going to start calling vacuum cleaners VROOOMMMMSSS  or walk around making a sucking sound and deem it socially acceptable. 

Word 2: Nom, nom. Definition - either an alternate to yummy/ yum yum or an onomatopoeiaic representation of the sound a person makes when they chew which while the former makes some sense the latter is just disgusting. Close your mouth. I’d like to use this in a sentence for you, but it is only ever used alone as it is so stupid no other words will agree to stand beside it. Most frequently used on FaceBook, usually accompanied by a picture of what the person is eating, which no one really cares about unless it is an inside joke. I don’t know what else to say other than I hate this word so much that it makes me revert to my animalistic side and want to literally rip throats out the moment the syllables reach my ears. The one saving grace, if I am part of your zombie apocalypse team and get scared/freaked out all you have to do is say “nom nom.” Bitches gonna be throat-less. 

Word 3: EHMERGAHD. Definition - apparently this is some strange version of Oh My God, but in such a way that the item/thing/emotion/whatever of which you speak is just so damn amazing that you need to sound like you have a mouthful of marbles and are being punched while you say it and therefore translate the same thing into typing. Now to be honest, I have no earthy idea why this one bothers me so bad, but while it does not induce throat ripping, it does indeed give me the desire to poke out eyes. I’m a language teacher, so let’s make this simple. Seseo is the phenomenon in Spanish in which words that begin and end in similar sounds are linked to create faster speech, i.e.  Me gusta bailar can be said Megustabailar like it is one giant word. That WORKS in Spanish. NOT in English. And NOT with Oh my God. 

Word 4: Like whoa. Definition - Ok, maybe I should not have even this one because I have NO CLUE what this means. Does it mean whoa like stop, halt horsey, don’t flip me off, but not exactly due to the addition of like in the forefront. So, it’s not quite the whoa?? But then, I’ve heard people use it in sentences such as these: I need a drink like whoa. In that case, does it mean really bad? or now? Why in the hell don’t you just frakkin’ say “I need a drink” ?? Did the like whoa really add that much? No, it just made you look like an idiot. 

Word 5: Ignant. Definition - Ignorant, ergo, the entire existence of this word is one big damn oxymoron. Because when you take the time to call someone ignant, implying that they themselves are ignorant then you’re not being funny or ironic by using the word incorrectly, you just look like you cannot speak. It’s ONE syllable, you dropped ONE syllable in order to make fun of people that probably never got the opportunity in life to learn to speak properly in the first place. AND, if you ACTUALLY speak English, you will notice that Ingnant sounds kind of like Indignant, which is how I am feeling about you right now. 

Word 6: Flo. Definition - Flow, as in life going on, que sera sera (I KNOW where the accents go OK, I TEACH Spanish, I’m just too lazy to care). But really?? The entire word was F-L-O-W, why did we need to shorten this?? Sure, English itself makes no damn sense in comparison to Spanish and other Romance languages, but if you really need more characters try & for and or use an ‘. But FLO. What the hell ever. 

Word 7: Snarky. Definition - Smartassy but in a way that I think I am superior. Usually used by unfunny people to refer to themselves, which is probably why I hate the word so much other than the fact that it is completely made up.  I don’t care that it comes from British slang at the turn of the century, using it as an American makes you sound as stupid as using ‘bloody’. And it really is NOT a compliment, so when you call yourself that you are announcing “I am an ASSHOLE.” I don’t need ripped off British slang to express my bitchiness. I am a bitch. See. How hard was that? 

Word 8: Gawd. Ok, look,  I’m not even going to define this, you people know that this came up out of some idiotic notion that saying gawd instead of God was somehow going to not be breaking the third commandment, but let’s get real, isn’t God omnipotent? Can’t he know/see/feel/touch/hear/taste everything?? Ok, then if so, he KNOWS that you are breaking the third commandment with a jackhammer every time you say this. So either say GOD or drop the expression. You’re not foolin’ anyone. 

Word 9: My boo. Definition - My dear or my love. So, this word originates from the Bayou of Louisiana as a term of endearment, but guess what, unless we’re in the Big Easy, you just sound like you are speaking to a ghost. Or, this chick is really some woman who you are hittin’ it with and instead of actually calling her your girlfriend or spouse or significant other, by calling her your boo you eliminate the need to actually act like you give two shits about her. So ladies, unless your dating Gambit (PLEASE someone GET that reference- holy SHIT can we redo X-men AGAIN and have him play Gambit - NEW CALL TO ACTION - SHANKS AS AN XMAN!!!), if he calls you boo he ain’t gonna put a ring on it. 

Word 10: Amurica/Amehrca - Definition - the country in which I reside according to hicks who cannot pronounce our native language that they want to make our national language but cannot even speak correctly themselves.  Stop saying this, even in jest. It makes us sound like morons. Our country was named after famed explorer Amerigo Vespucci, and Italian man and in Italian er = air and NOT ur and there is an i in this as well, so it is Ah-mair-ee-ca  from Ah-mair-ee-go.  Anything else just sounds ignant. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

How to Speak Brianne

How to Speak Brianne

Subtitle: Apparently I’m often misunderstood. So here’s your dictionary. 
There’s more than much for following a pattern, but I guess this is a necessary evil...

68 days, or as I would say, sesenta y ocho, really just one less day than a number I enjoy having fun with. Oh, what the hell, let's count today. 69!!! Interpret as you will...

Definition 1: Legit. Adverb. See, I have this problem with both adverbs that end in -ly and twitter, both of which have resulted in a problem I have with long words. I don’t use them, I just shorten them for my person convenience.  Ok, ok, I’ll make you a chart. 

Bri Definition
for real / truthfully
ridiculously, a large amount, really crazy
it’s extremely...are you getting it yet?? Twitter made me LAZY....

Definition 2: OMA & OMD. Exclamation. Ok, so I USED to say OMG (Oh My God) like EVERY other person on the planet.  However, then on day a lovely Christian soul (not that I have a problem with Christians, just hypocritical ones, well hypocritical ANYONE honestly) informed me that since I was NOT a Christian I could not use OMG. (Let’s forget completely about the third commandment TOTALLY here). So, as a pseudo-worshipper of the Greek Pantheon, I have decided to substitute to “God” for Athena and Dionysus, my patrons. It has NOTHING to do with Stargate (although I have nothing against Oma Desala). Also use OMZ, OMH & OMN as needed. 

Definition 3: Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. Proper Noun. This is my nickname I coined for the perfection that is Michael Shanks.  It went down like this. Hot Roommate got sick of hearing me talk about Shanks or Daniel and one day referred to him as “He who must not be named.” I calmly informed him that was Lord Voldemort, to which he replied, I don’t care who that is stop talking about how much you love him. So, I started with Mr. Canada, but that made him sound like he was running for some objectifying beauty pageant award. So one day while listening to my 1990’s Hip Hop I came upon an MC Hammer song in which he discussed Hot Pants. And how HAWT they were. And a nickname was born.  Abbrv. MCHP

Definition 4: Space Herpes. Noun. What Vala Mal Doran probably had and passed to Daniel Jackson in “Unending,” the episode that does not exist. Thank Athena for going back in time so Addy has no worries. He still deserves a thump in the head for even letting that happen so it had to be erased in the first place. And NO EXCUSES. She was NOT the last woman. Sam was there. And THAT would have been acceptable!!!

Definition 5: Y’all. Noun. Southern. Means you all. Used to address a large group of people. Used in a friendly context. IF you are not included in a y’all from me then I just don’t like you. Does not connote a lesser intelligence by its usage, in fact, most people I know that use it are quite intelligent 

Definition 6: Chica. Noun. Spanish. English translation girl. Related entries: homeslice, hun, mon ami, babe, et al. Term of endearment reserved for my girl friends. Basically, it works like this, if I call you chica then you are in my little circle of I give two shits that you exist. Don’t call you can come to your own conclusions. Unless you are a dude, and then, you are, well, dude. (See Definition 16)

Definition 7: No lie. Phrase (I think, I mean what in the hell part of speech IS THAT??) See legit. This means it was the truth, no exaggerations, no edits, no changes made for comedic purposes. Can also be used in place of “I agree.” Basically, if I say no lie I am either defending the insanity coming out of my mouth OR agreeing with yours. 

Definition 8: Frakkin’. Expletive (I KNOW that part of speech....VERY VERY well). F-word alternative stolen from BattleStar Galactica.  Just more fun to say. Origin: While I want to run away to a foreign planet with Daniel Jackson forever, I secretly want to be StarBuck. Because she could have WHUPPED Vala’s ass. Cold. In like twenty seconds. No Lie ;P 

Definition 9: Asshat. Noun. Used to describe a person that is not quite an asshole, which would be an amazing nasty, mean or otherwise disagreeable person, but I am still kinda pissed at so they deserved a swear.  Not a literal hat to be worn on the ass, but if you can find a picture of one send it to me because the sheer notion of the existence of said item excites me about as much as truck nuts. 

Definition 10: Cool Beans. Adjective or Adverb or Phrase, I mean, are you really reading this entry anymore for some kind of english lesson. Pretty much cool beans is just another version of cool, like I am agree that what you said is fine, dandy and ok.  This may or may not mean I am overly enthusiastic about it, but I am not opposed. I also use this to appear cheerful and teacher like. 

Definition 11: No biggie. Phrase, I think. Let’s go with that. Means no big deal, that it’s ok, what ever asshattery that you or I have committed, it is completely forgivable. Prefer to use biggie rather than no big deal as my person homage to the master of rap Biggie Smalls (East Coast!) and maybe, just maybe, every time I use the term, the Notorious B.I.G. sends down good rap vibes from rap heaven to an aspiring artist. That, and like everything else, Twitter has made me too lazy to type. 

Definition 12: Rock. Exclamation. It’s like Cool Beans plus. Sometimes supplemented with a fist pump, hands in the air celebration of followed by the word “on” Used to express extreme happiness concerning a situation. Has nothing to do with masses of stone and everything to do with the feeling you get when exposed to a type of music that white people stole from black people and added a country twist to. If my comment to anything you say is rock, then it is good, I am excited and would most likely drive 14 hours for it ;P 

Definition 13: KK. No clue at all as to what the heck this is. Short for OK.  Not to be confused with the KKK (They be asshats that need a frakkin’ butt-whupping that I am happy to hand out). Differs from K, also short for OK, since that K usually is an answer given in tweet/text that is nicely saying f-off I am done talking to you. KK means like okay with a smily or bitch I got the point, stop asking.  May be used with capital or lower case letters. 

Definition 14: Gracias. Spanish. Means thank you. If you did not know this you are probably reading the wrong blog. 

Definition 15: Sweet Dionysus. Exclamation. See also OMA (# 2). Dionysus was the greek god of the grape, grape harvest, wine making, ritual madness and ecstasy, or for those who prefer the common tongue: Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll. This expression is used when something so great happens that really, only wine can suffice. Spanish. Which to be honest, is often...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

Subtitle: Come on people, I can’t believe that I am actually having to write this...

71 days left. That’s not a lot of time to use this advice, but it’s worth a try. 

Step 1: Understand you can be hit on anywhere. ANYWHERE. I mean anywhere.  See, I had sadly forgotten this post college when I had Adorable Nerd and Fashionista in Training and became Bri the Beluga Eyeore, but since my #ChangeYourStars transformation, I have been reintroduced to the wide world of “Dude, did you just say that?” It can happen in the grocery store (really hun, NO ONE is that stupid about banana selection), it can happen at a kid’s birthday party (and your WIFE is RIGHT THERE), it can happen on a school visit (I am wearing the ugliest VVa shirt know to man and this teacher just told me I am very beautiful). So be prepared for it, because, as my Girl Scouts know, you can never be too prepared. 

Step 2: Learn body language.  Now, personally, I find this step to be the hardest, mostly because I’m not one for subtleties; I’m the kind of person that thinks the middle finger is part of normal speech. But apparently, whether we are talking about men or women, there is an entire list of things that look like one thing but mean another.  So, since ya love em so much, I made ya a small chart of some basics: 

Physical Tell
When Men do it
When Women do it
When BRI does it (for clarification) 
Stand really close
Excuse to be close, peep down shirt and possibly bump you
Want to smell you, sniff you and all sorts of good stuff.
You are either in my way or won’t move OR I am just really not paying attention. 
Touches your arm
He is trying to make sure you saw that dude cut that zombies head off
Sign of affection, a caring gesture, may or may not be romantic
I am trying to get your attention. Look at me. Are you listening to me? 
Kisses your cheek
He cares about you. Or is gay. Probably #2.
Depends...we are a fickle beast. Best to let you guys wonder on this one. 
Me, I hug and kiss EVERYONE. No, seriously, I do, not just Mr. Canadian Hot Pants but EVERYONE.
Flip of the Hair
He is a surfer or gay. Seriously, if you have not figured it out, dudes are pretty blunt or clueless
She is trying to get your attention to notice her hair, the curve of her neck or a cute piercing. 
Goddamn hair in my damn face; where’s my hairtie????

Step 3: The pick-up line. Fortunately, the internet has helped teach most of us the world’s best and worst so we can spot them accordingly. Here are a few notable ones: 

a) I made you come with one finger, think what I could do with them all. This shouldn’t    need explaining, but you’ve got to give a guy credit for trying. 
  1. Hey baby you won? Won what? A dance with ________ (me, my friend,etc.). Ok, this one is kinda cute and clever, but unless your name is Michael Shanks, I am not considering you my prize! 
  2. Being with a girl with a tongue ring is on my bucket list. Fantastic, take your dog down to Lucky 13, I’m sure they can hook you up. 
  3. Did an angel just fall from the sky? Awww...I’m don’t believe in that and I prefer vampires, but thanks for playing. 

Step 4: The double meaning. Let’s be honest, I think one of the reasons that I’m so madly in love with Daniel Jackson is that the poor man is just so oblivious and more than anything I enjoy writing him oblivious with Addy (if you are lost CLICK HERE). But I think I really love him because I am oblivious. Case in point, this year for the Renaissance Faire I was both elated and saddened that my Tavern Wench dress no longer fit (too big - by a LOT) and in a panic I went to the flea market to try to get something close (because it’s not as if the mall’s got a Medieval Clothes R Us or anything).  There wasn’t a wide selection there either, but I did manage to find a black fake leather dress that looked like something I had seen on a movie. So I wore it, even though it was 95 degrees and I was slowly melting away. Now, we hadn’t been there that long when the comments started: “Wow, you look so hot in there,” “That must be really hot,” “Can I ask you if you are comfortable,” etc. and I had to explain to everyone that I was fine, which after a while, I was. However, at about the 15th comment, Hot Roommate pulls me aside, infuriated, fussing at me for flirting. Apparently, I hadn’t noticed that all of theses “concerned citizens” were men, who had, in their deep concern, touched my dress to see the material and evidently were gawking at me as I talked. Brushing that moron I married off, I stormed over to talk to a mutual male friend. 

Friend: He finally done with it? 
Me: Done with what? 
Friend: Uh, every man in this fair using your dress as an excuse to come gawk at you. 
Me: *Facepalm* 

Step 5: Recognizing a date. Ladies this is for you, well, mostly. If a guy takes you ANYWHERE and he or his mother DRIVES at all, THAT is a date. Even if you are with a larger group. Even if the movie he picks is really a buddy flick and nothing that will make you cry on his shoulder or jump in his lap in fright.  Pretty much to a man, it’s a date if you sit beside him, acknowledge his presence and he doesn’t mention another girl. Keep that in mind ladies, lest you are surprised by the random kiss exiting the theatre. Ok for you gentleman, here’s the skinny, we will think it is a date if you complete ALL of the following: 

  1. Pick us up
  2. Open ALL doors
  3. Pay for the meal
  4. Take us to an activity we like
  5. Ask us to talk about ourselves
  6. Tell us we are pretty
  7. Offer to do something nice for us at a later date

And even if you complete A-G, that doesn’t mean you’re getting any. Unless of course you’re “You Know Who” in which case you had me at A. 

Step 6: Recognizing the more obvious. Like a kiss, like the kiss from above. Not a cheek kiss, well not always, we went over that in Step 2, but if you’re sitting your happily little self on the sofa at a frat party (seriously, why does everything seem to go down at these things) and dude or chic comes over and just kisses you then THEY ARE INTERESTED. There is no rationalizing your way with this, they’re interested, even if it is just for the night. Ya hear me. Kiss. Them. Back. Unless they’re fugly. In that case, just run. 

Step 7: Really, how was that not obvious? I have a friend. He travels a lot for work. A lot. He went out of town for a business trip. Ate dinner alone at the hotel restaurant the night he arrived. Met a couple. Hit it off. Exchanged phone numbers. They texted him all day long the next day, while he was WORKING and in MEETINGS asking him back to dinner. All day. Like even we he said that he was really busy. And kept doing it.  Until he gave in. Wanted to meet in hotel bar. Which he did. Then they wanted to go back to their room after they ate, for drinks. And my friend WENT. And left nearly screaming a few moments later. Moral of the story: Bri can’t fix everyone. 

Step 8: The internet. Now, this can be a little more difficult my friends, because we miss that all important body language from step 2 and even worse when you consider TWO things: One - people lose all filters on the internet, I know I do and Two - everyone is on twitter. For real. True story. Student of mine went on a college visit. Got hot tour guide. Goes home and tweets about how hot he is and other things that, well, I would tweet about ;P.  Few hours later gets a tweet back. “Thanks” From him. So, just make sure if you’re going to do internet flirting, be really obvious and blunt. 


See? Like that. Obvious.

Step 9: Dearest Hot Roommate. I would like to outline to your high cluelessness my attempted hitting on you in college that you DID NOT GET in the hopes that you will better educate our son. 

  1. When a girl kidnaps you in her van (named the Porn Star) from the sidewalk to go to a play - she is hitting on you. 
  2. When a girl sits by you during Deliverance and hides in your lap during the “squeal like a pig scene” - she is hitting on you.
  3. When a girl takes care of you after you passed out sick in your suite shower after drinking too much Mudslide - she is hitting on you. 
  4. When a girl CALLS you to whine after EVERY break up and points out how SWEET you are - she is hitting on you.
  5. When a girl KISSES you on the stoop of your dorm after we all start talking about regrets....wait, you GOT that one..just took you THREE years...stupid man....

Step 10: Can I buy you a drink? No, seriously Shanks, I would like to buy you a drink. Yes, I AM hitting on you. Yes, I KNOW you are married. Happily. So am I.  So, let’s make a deal. I’ll play Addy. You play Daniel. Then it’s “acting.” So handsome, what’ll it be, red or white??

Monday, October 8, 2012

How to be a Feminist

How to be a Feminist
Subtitle: There’s this clever little invention. It’s called deodorant. And, if you will recall, I have coupons. 

(On the other hand with 73 days left, you might just want to wash a little better. Save your money for that Ramen we've discussed)

Step 1: Know what you stand for.  Why are you a feminist? Do you believe that woman deserve equal rights, treatment and pay in a modern society? Hun, that doesn’t make you a feminist, that makes you human. It’s the people that believe otherwise that are not.  

Step 2: Wash. Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m not (and we ALL know when I just come out with straight up bitch - this is not one of those times) but I’m seriously trying to figure out what part of standing up for women’s rights means you can’t take care of basic personal hygiene. I’m not intending to be offensive; I really want to know why you are explaining to me about woman being used as slave labor in Colombia due to our coffee consumption and it’s direct correlation with your smelling like a locker room. Feel free to comment below. 

Step 3: Uh, last I checked, cooking wasn’t a sin. Let’s lay this out for you. I am very pro-women’s rights. Hot Roommate stayed home with the kids while I pursued my career and got my Master’s. Hot Roommate will be keeping my kids while I get my PhD. However, this does not mean that I can’t cook a MEAN empanada or bake an amazing cheesecake.  I can. And this does not make me some blue dress wearing house wife. I like to cook. It’s fun.  And if you think otherwise, I’m not sharing. 

Step 4: Ok, I should clarify, shave AND wash. Believe it or not, women didn’t start shaving in order to please men, they started shaving to cut down on lice.  Yes, lice. (I’m a history teacher too, remember, I’m full of delicious little tidbits of information). And as a result of said change in hygienic habits, women discovered that shaving actually led to less sweating and smelling better overall. Not for men. For you. Do you really think that onion smell coming from your pits is pleasant?? Cuz I know if I can smell you, you most definitely can...

Step 5: Stop worrying about other people. I have met feminists that are so concerned about not looking like they need a man for one hot minute that they go out of their way to be different, stand out by dressing in the typical feminist fashion, make sure that every dinner conversation turns to the suppression of women over the centuries, and walk around trying to make sure people never see you smile. What the hell?? Wasn’t NOT worrying about others the point of this movement.  So what if someone wants to wear tight clothes, she had that right. So what if she wants to get a boob job, she had that right. Just do YOUR thing and I will do mine! Oh and I wear tight jeans. Very tight jeans. Because I like to look at my butt in them. I don’t care what the men think either. Except for Michael Shanks. I would care very much what he thought, but not in a man approving of a woman kind of way, but in a I want to use you as my personal sex slave and have you pour me wine but first I have to trap you kind of way...

Step 6: He has a penis, that does make him useful. Well, for that of course, good lord for that, but more so for heavy lifting. Look, biologically, men have more upper body strength. Don’t believe me, let’s consult science It says that biologically they are MADE to be stronger. Yes, you can lift weights and work-out, and I do, like a fiend, much to Hot Roommate’s annoyance at times, but if he is going to be stronger anyway, use him!! Yes, USE!! Men LIKE to be used. Let him open that jar for you, carry the bookcase up three flights of stairs, change that tire. Because there is no way you wanted to actually do that shit, is there? Admit it..... You would rather be blogging about how morally superior you are....

Step 7: Clean, shave, wash, wear deodorant...why am I having to be this specific??? I am all the way on step 7 and am still trying to figure out how not taking care of one’s self proves that women are better than men. What about you? I mean, I like smelling nice, it’s like aroma therapy right? Feel the mint...embrace the mint....

Step 8: Things that are not an attack on your independence. 
  1. Door openings. It’s just polite. In fact, in the south we can spot a Yankee a MILE away because they are the ass that let the door slam in your face. 
  2. Anything with the word “man” in it. We lived in a male dominated society for a long time and people just named things willy-nilly. They did NOT name them just to piss you off and we do not need to RENAME them to make you feel better, we are correcting the problem with NEW things now! Remember when you made fun of Republicans over “Freedom Fries”?? You are doing the SAME DAMN THING!!
  3. Strip clubs. Because you seem to have a major problem with woman taking off their clothes for money (and I know strippers, some of them LIKE their job) but you have no problem dashing off to a live show of Magic Mike because they someone deserve to be objectified. Either there are NO strip clubs, or you deal with both, life does not go both ways. 
  4. When your date pays for dinner. Especially when that date is male. Go back to A. It’s just nice and polite.  Sometimes I even try to buy dinner for others. If someone tries to buy you dinner, a drink (not sending you a drink in a strange bar, but while you are their together) or even a popcorn at the movie do not automatically assume they want to sleep with you. They might just be being nice.  Except for you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. I AM trying so you just keep that in mind...

Step 9: How to avoid a relapse: A mini how to....
  1. Get up and shower every morning. It makes you smell good, brightens your day and makes you a happier person. (Which might be the source of all of this nonsense in the first place)
  2. Remember that nice does not mean condescending. Smile when people do pleasant things and by all means pay it forward. 
  3. Be who you are, even if that chic carries a coach handbag, wears high heels and have facial tattoos.  
  4. Stop reading blogs, forums, watching The View (they DO NOT represent REAL women) or doing another activity that makes you want to go and picket about something stupid when we have children starving. Wait, which bring me to step 9A. 

Step 9A: CHILDREN ARE NOT EVIL.  You, dumbass, were a child once, so stop looking at them like they should no longer exist. You don’t want to have kids, fine, but don’t look at me like there is something wrong with me because I did OR condemn the woman who choose to stay home with them. Remember the part about it being a woman’s CHOICE. My mom CHOSE to stay home with us. She is also a black belt and can whup your ass. Case closed. 

Step 10: Have a beer. Yes, a beer, all grainy and hoppy and manly and NOT organic sage infused red juice of the fuckin’ goddness. Drink a god damn cheap beer, because believe it or not, you’re no better than the rest of us...

As a REAL feminist, who believes a woman can do just as well as a man and look damn hot doing it, I approve this message. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

How to Celebrity Stalk Proper

Subtitle: Lessons learned from Twitter. Greatest. Internet. Platform. Ever

78 days remain. Ya might wanna get your stalk on... 
Just a suggestion...

Step 1: Do select a proper target. Now, granted, I chose well (I mean besides the Grecian God part that proves how well I chose) and I’m not under the insane impression that I will ever run into someone as hugely famous as, let’s say, Morgan Freeman, who I think is personal friends with God. Pick a celeb based on their work, their real talents and someone worthy of your time. Or just watch Stargate and become obsessed at 30. That worked for me...

Step 2: Don’t Learn EVERYTHING about them. Now, there is a stark difference between going on IMDB and wikipedia, learning when their birthday is, cool things about their upbringing, likes and dislikes and looking up their public records. Yeah, you know who you are, I’m looking at you. Because while painting one’s fingernails blue before going to a Stargate Con because blue is Michael Shanks favorite color is 100% acceptable, knowing about a celebs financials (foreclosures), getting the home addy and agent’s email address is just creepy.  CREEPY. CREE-PEEE.

Step 3: Do stalk their twitter, website, etc. and find out where they are because these little lovelies do not use social media to talk to their friends, they use it to self-promote. I will let you digest that lest you thought otherwise. their cute little snippets about work because they tell you what they are working on which can also tell you where they are. Please do not confuse this for step 2, step 2 you are searching for creepy things, step 3 THEY are giving you this information. And sometimes they are obvious. Like “I am going to Chicago Con.” Boo-yah. 

Step 4: Do create an accidental meet-up, but I couldn’t, could I?? because you are so damn elusive like a frakkin’ cat (Lion-o, hee hee) and the only thing I COULD run into you doing I don’t because I’m a runner and I’m highly allergic and that would be so attractive going into a coughing fit and convulsing on the sidewalk.......wait....then you’d have to save me.....perform CPR....... (dashes from hotel room)

Step 5: Don’t hide in the bushes. I said accidental. The bushes are NOT accidental. Nor are they believable. Not only is there no profession in which one hangs out amongst bordering foliage, but incase you missed the box of crayons that are skin tone, not a one of them is green.  So don’t do that, you just look creepy and become twitter fodder. And you make my blog. In not a good way either.  (See Step 2 again) 

Step 6: Do follow their tour bus, innocently after the concert to see if they will happen to stop at a place for normal folks, like, well, the Waffle House (I mean really, no matter how famous you are, who in the hell does NOT love the Waffle House!?!) and just sit on down and enjoy some covered and smothereds with them. Cuz for some reason they don’t seem to mind. 

Step 7: Don’t quit you good paying job to go to one event, ONE event, that lasts only a few days on the off chance that your celebrity crush might be there, and you might be able to see them for a few seconds, only to go, have them not show up and realize as you are eating your Zombie apocalypse ramen noodles and living by candlelight you really didn’t have the nerve to speak to them anyway would you have run into them.  Ya can’t eat and you didn’t even get a hug? You my dear win a Darwin. 

Step 8: Do blog about them on the off chance that they are reading this but doing that elusive Lion-o shit and will act like they never read it while they are secretly laughing their asses off. *hopes* *prays to Athena* *does dance while sacrificing a virgin* (kidding in the last one guys, kidding) 

Step 9: Don’t get drunk. On blood wine. And challenge a beloved celeb to a wrestling match to back up the shirt that he is wearing. Mostly because he is too nice to have you arrested, but you will scar him, so much so that when he later sees some perfectly friendly Klingons hanging out on the hot tub discussing universe domination in their native language, you will frighten him and he will stop doing conventions so normal Vala-like people like me will be unable to jump him. (Just kidding - but seriously dude, let’s have a few, shall we?) 

Step 10: Do buy them a drink. Seriously, are you reading this Shanks!! I know you read the letter, now bring your ass back to Chicago because I AT LEAST owe you a drink. No kidnapping, no Vala-ing (much), I PROMISE.  And I’ll make sure it is Spanish. Because anything else is just not worthy. Of you OR me ;P