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Saturday, March 31, 2012

How to Survive a 10K

How to Survive a 10K 
Subtitle: How to go from PPD fattie to fit mama in only 365 days!
Step 1: Go to the Ashland Strawberry Faire. No lie, this was the start of all of this insanity.  Because at the Faire two things will happen: 
  1. You will see pretty jewelry and comment to your daughter about it.  Daughter will tell you that is for girls.  You will call her silly.  She will inform you that she has two daddies because you are fat and look like a boy.  You will leave jewelry booth empty handed.
  2. As you are leaving the Faire, remembering the days when you were tournament fighting and karate hot, you will meet two nice senior citizens who think asking a fat chick to run a 5K race is something you normally do.  They give you a brochure that even your husband chuckles at.  This pisses you off further.  
Step 2: When you arrive home, storm upstairs to the attic and find pictures.  Pictures of yourself in karate uniforms and remember that you have been pretty darn athletic most of your life.  Look in the mirror and realize that you no longer recognize the person standing there.  Get even more angry.
Step 3:  Make an appointment for a physical. This time, when your doctor starts using those fancy words like ‘obese’ and ‘cholesterol’, which are just code for ‘you have been coming here for years and you used to be cute and now you are a Beluga whale’ inform said patient doctor you are ready to not be that fat chic anymore.  Actually read information doctor gives you.  
Step 4: Tell your friends and family what you are doing.  You will need support.  However, you must keep in mind that they will ask why? as if being healthy is some crazy notion.  ‘I am doing this for myself’ does not fly for some reason.  You have to be MUCH more inventive.  I went with ‘I want to be small enough to fit into a Mord Sith costume (you might want to google that) so I can go to a Stargate convention and steal Michael Shanks away from his wife.’ Believe it or not, people bought that.  Some still do. I just want to go to the convention at this point to tell him, “Hey, you wanna hear something funny?” and see if he poses for an insane picture with me to screw with people.  I think he is just crazy enough that he might....
Step 5: Start training.  Not Rocky training; you people know that was a movie, right? Use the internet (I mean you are here, right, looking for advice from me ha!).  I started with Couch to 5K and added in weights.  You literally WALK in the beginning.  Yes people, walk, that thing you did toward the TV before remotes were invented (Wow - I just aged myself....).  
Step 5A: Get a good MP3 player, an iPod, something and create a play list that pumps you up.  I could make recs, but I have been informed that my taste is music is odd and makes no sense ;-) It doesn’t..... sigh...
Step 6: Register for insane things you would have never done before, like the Monument Avenue 10K.  Do it late at night after some Spanish wine so you cannot talk yourself out of it.  (Have you guys gotten that Spanish wine yet? Seriously, I cannot stress its importance enough).  Post the registration on your fridge with the cost highlighted. Highlighting the cost will make you feel like crap if you don’t do it because you could have spent that money on something else because holy cow I had no idea how much those races cost!! 
Step 7: Create something for you to focus on during the race.  I got a little plastic bottle and solicited good lucks and encouraging words from my friends and family to roll up and put in the bottle to carry with me during the race.  And Michael Shanks.  Yep, got a good luck tweet from him, oh yeah.... Called me a masochist. Sad part is that I think he’s right.....
Step 8: Run the race.  Drag your butt out of bed, chug a protein shake and go. And wait.  Your internal dialog might go something like this.  Oh dear lord, how many people are here.  What? This is the 15th largest race in the world.  What am I doing? Is there a wine shop around here? Wait! They just called my group number, oh God that is the starting line.  Go! What? Now?!?
Step 9: Run the race.  Just keep running.  After this experience I HIGHLY recommend Nikki Minaj - she is now my hero.  I honestly got through the last miles because of her.  High five every child you pass, don’t turn down the water station and run. Run, looking for your family, your friends. Try not to cry when you see the finish line.  
Step 9A: Go home and stuff your face.  Open some Spanish wine :-) 
Step 10:  Wake up Sunday and call a seamstress.  You have a Mord Sith costume to order.....

Sunday, March 25, 2012

How to raise Bilingual Child

Entry #2
How to raise bilingual children
Subtitle: How to curse your kids out in Walmart in a way that no one will call Child Protective Services
Today’s entry idea came to me from a former student of mine who asked this question legitimately and I gave her pretty much the answer I am giving here.  I am by no means an expert of languages, but I am a parent and a teacher and my kids do speak two languages so I guess I kinda know what I am talking about.  So, here you go...
Step 1: Select your language.  As you consider this let me make some suggestions.  Don’t pick a language because you think your kid speaking it will sound cool or make you feel cool. Take Klingon for example.  I am a nerd, but some of these nerd blogs I read where parents are teaching their kid Klingon or Elven (is that the word?) I am thinking, really, what part of you actually thought that was a good idea?!? Food for thought, China practically owns the world, so that is a good one to consider.  Spanish, my language of choice, is also one of the most spoken languages in the world, but there are other options that are equally as good.  Take sign language.  Sign language interpreters make like $60+ an hour. Be greedy, make sure you pick something useful.  These small humans will be selecting your nursing home.  
Step 2: Once you have chosen said language then you need to research.  Make sure you can either speak it to your child or can find a good program to do so.  Please.  For me and every other bilingual person on this planet.  And for the love of Pete PLEASE watch an episode of “King of the Hill” where Peggy is “teaching Spanish” before you open your big mouth.  A little part of me dies inside every time I hear someone speak like that.  
Step 3: Learn some clever commands first.  The easiest way to teach your child your new tongue is to scream at them in it. It also aids in Step 2, your accent.  The more I yell “No toques” and “Vengan ahora” the more authentic I sound.  It also will make the other speakers of this chosen language sympathize with you while you screaming at your children.  
Step 3A: Just make sure that these commands don’t involve swear words.  I made this mistake and I believe my son knew every swear word from the Iberian Peninsula before he knew any in English.  And while this may seem cute at the time just wait.  Your child will whip out that baddie and before you know it people not of your nationality will be giving you that look.  You know that look.  The ‘why did they allow you to breed look.’
Step 4: Have a clue.  This is a learning process, not an instant I’m a cool parent fix.  Just in case you weren’t aware, here is a list of things that will make you look like a douche bag if you choose to do them during this process.  
  1. Labeling everything in your house in language two while your kid is still a baby.  Dude, he/she can’t read.  So, when I come over, I am assuming those things are for you.  And that you are making this crap up.  Because you probably are.  
  2. Telling people “My child is bilingual” when he/she is also a baby or a very small toddler.  When your kids is still babbling incoherently, I find it hard to believe that they are truly bilingual or lingual at all for that matter. 
  3. When caught yelling at children in language and someone asks about it, just say “Oh yeah, they speak X, gets their attention you know.”  When you answer with ANYTHING else, well, you sound like a douche bag.  
  4. And never, ever, ever refer to your child as “my bilingual son/daughter” ever.  In an email, a blog, a posting, whatever.  If you do not see how snobby and idiotic this makes you look you are probably reading the wrong blog.  
Step 5: Enjoy it.  Like everything else in your child’s life, it should be fun. If you are spending every waking moment trying to make this happen it is not going to.  Or you are not going to like the result.  Some days my kids will NOT speak Spanish. That’s ok.  Other days they refuse to listen to a thing in English.  That is ok too.  Chill out.  And if you can’t, remember that Spanish wine I mentioned in entry #1.  Might be time to stock up if you haven’t done so already.  

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

How to “Have a fun Marriage”

Entry #1
How to “Have a fun Marriage” 
Subtitle: How to marry one of your friends and not be man needy
Step 1:  Recognize signs when you see them.  No, seriously, I barely believe in anything but I think that there are signs for things and we need to stop ignoring them.  So, when you go to college and get assigned someone as the speaking partner in your Spanish class, only to discover he has a hot roommate to then return as a full time student a year later and have your older friends re-introduce you to said hot roommate once more, get a clue that it might be meant to be.  
Step 2:  Date and possibly marry other people.  Date guys/women because they are hot, will buy you things, will teach you things.  Remain friends with hot roommate as he dates crazy chicks and needs a friend to complain to.  Kidnap hot roommate off of the sidewalk in your ghetto van on his way to dinner.  
Step 3: Realize three months before you graduate college that all along you should have dated hot roommate but were too damn stupid to admit it to yourself.  Kiss hot roommate on back stoop of dorm.  He will kiss you back.  Trust me, if he went out to the back stoop with you while the rest of your friends were having a college is coming to a close crisis, he wants you to kiss him.  
Step 4:  Says yes after the shock wears off that you are kissing this man after lord knows how many years and he asks you out to dinner.  This is his way of saying, I am a retard, you were right here all along.  
Step 5: Marry him.  He will ask.  He will ask in the most insane way possible. Like taping a ring to a board you are about to punch through (Did I forget to mention the Black Belt thing in my bio?). Then have a wedding wearing a medieval gown and a horse drawn carriage.  Don’t bother asking if Star Wars or Stargate music is alright to process in.  His answer will be no.  Pretend it is playing in your head while you walk down the aisle.  It still has the same effect.  
Step 6: Now comes the cheesy sweet not as funny part.  Maybe.  Treat your entire life together as an adventure.  Because guess what, marriage is NOT like on TV.  It is not even like in my stories I write.  It is hard and annoying and some days you want to run away. Don’t.  Because when you get pissed and get your car stuck in the mud at “yonder pond” you are going to instinctively dial your spouse.  THAT is love.  
Step 6A: Stay well buzzed most of year seven.  It is BRUTAL.  I find that Spanish table wine is excellent for dealing with year seven.  Also find a hobby.  That way, when you do decide to go drive off and get stuck in the mud by “yonder pond” you can sit and wait for your spouse and calm yourself thinking about when you get to do said hobby next.  
Step 7: Try something insane together, at least one a year, that you have never done before.  We do this with our friends but we just leave our spouses out.  Personally, Jack and I dig travel and in our first year climbed a Volcano in Hawaii. But even if we just go out and ride the same roller coaster over and over until we vomit (Anniversary year 7 I believe) it has the same effect.  If the best adventure you have is with your spouse, the best memories will be with them too. 
That’s all I got so far.  We are at 8.5 and trucking on.  It’s been good, it’s been bad, but he is always there when it’s all over.  As far as how to snag a guy/girl if college roommate stalking is not an option, just stop and look for signs.  You DON’T have to be married by a certain age or you are a failure.  Or, you could have screwed up #1 and #2 or #12.  But stop and look for the little things that may just seem like coincidence but aren’t. 
And then convince him/her you will grow up and stop acting like a child until he says “I do.” After that, all bets are off.  

About me....

Alright, before I start trying to solicit followers I figure a bio might be nice so you can decide whether or not I am worth following.  If that is what you are doing reading this, wise choice.

I am a wife and mom of two from Central Virginia.  I teach online with probably the best faculty on the planet and have the greatest students.  No sucking up there in case my boss reads this; I am deadly serious.  I homeschool my kids, not because I am 'afraid they will learn what sex is' or because I think evolution is a communist conspiracy, but because I am a teacher and I think I can do the job just fine.  I am sure the next thing you are wondering is if my kids stay locked up in the house all day and *gasp* are not socialized.  Yeah, if I had had as active as social like at 5 and 7 that my kids have now my mom would have had to be medicated.

I married one of my best friends from college so we don't act normal.  At all.  We goof off and our idea of a great way to spend out 9th wedding anniversary is to go bungee jumping or something like that.  Yes, I have been married 9 years.  At this posting I am only 31.  Do the math, I was young.  But it has been a fun, wild ride and I will be posting a "How to" on how to have as much fun as we do.  Apparently, we are cute or something.

Like I said, I am a teacher.  I have taught Spanish in some way, shape or form for 12 years.  Go ahead, do the math again.  That will be another "How to."  I had the incredible privilege of having a Mexican Godmother who impacted my life in ways I do not think she will ever understand and I will love her for it forever.  Between her influence and the fact that when she and my mom FORCED me to take Spanish I got the smoking hot Spanish teacher from Spain (my first crush - Michael Shanks is my second - more on that later) who ended up being the greatest teacher I ever had.  So, I became a Spanish teacher.  And for those folks still stuck on the homeschooling, I am also state certified K-8, and Social Studies 9-12.  So there :p Taught those bad boys too.

I am a pretty open minded person and an overall geek.  I was not the Barbie playing kind of kid (Carla if you are reading this, stop. RIGHT NOW.  Do NOT post a comment), I was the I want to be Princess Leia and kick ass kind of kid. (On a side note I have found it quite exciting as an adult to find out how freakin' AWESOME Carrie Fisher is!!) So, I watched movies, acted out stories, wrote stories and made geeky friends that many years later I am proud to still call my friends.  Star Wars was my first love and then I went through the Labyrinth/Dark Crystal creepy puppet phase for a while, got into the Neverending Story and then Stargate in high school.  The latter did me in..... So, every now and then there might be a post about something nerdy, or about zombies, or about vampires, indulge me.  A housewife's gotta do what a housewife's gotta do.

And, if you can't get enough of my odd sense of humor or my insanity, I tweet.  Follow me @ladiosabri :-) I also write Stargate Fan Fic, where I have conveniently created an insert character so I get to marry Daniel Jackson (don't worry, she's like a cooler me, sarcastic, very fun) so if you peeps want to read them comment and I just might post one....

And so, I'm afraid without any ado whatsoever ..... (bonus points if you know what movie that is from...) 

Here we go....