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Monday, May 14, 2012

How to Drink Properly

How to Properly Drink 
Subtitle: You are grown; the time for Natty Ice and Boone’s Farm is OVER.  Us cultured people make fun of those people.  We don’t want to be made fun of, do we? 
Step 1: As my subtitle indicates,  it is important that you have a clear understanding of what is proper alcohol.  In order to do this, you must first experience the worst of the worst.  How do you determine the worst? If you are young enough to get away with it, slip into a frat party.  Whatever beer they are passing out to the freshman will be the worst beer. Do not confuse this with what the seniors are drinking, sometimes they had already had an older friend fix them. As far as wine goes, pretty much anything sold at a gas station is considered the worst in this department.  And for liquor, anything in a bottle made of plastic.  Unless that plastic if a reused gallon milk jug of moonshine, in which case you are now buying the best liquor even though it comes in plastic.  More on moonshine later.  Buy one of each of all three. 
Step 2: Set up a tasting with your friends.  If you are still at the point in your life where you think a tasting is snotty (I hope this entry will change that) you can instead enjoy a drinking game.  The internet offers a wide variety of complicated drinking games, the best of which in my opinion circle around the theme of a TV show or movie.  If you like something contemporary there is an excellent game for Game of Thrones going around.  If not, here is a basic Stargate game I have created that should be useful (and this show is on Netflix, so you can do this any time of the day):

Activity on Show
Number of Shots/Sips/Chugs
Teal’c says “Indeed”
One shot
Jack says something sarcastic
One shot
Samantha saves the day because she is the smartest person on the show by millions of IQ points
Two shots
Daniel argues something that Jack calls sissy
One shot
You completely lose track of what the hell is going on because Michael Shanks is so damn beautiful that nothing else really matters
Three shots - hell, at this point just start chugging.  And keep watching.  He only got hotter as the show went on...
Step 3: Wake up the next morning. Make some Blackberry Tea (trust me - my sister in law taught me this trick - GOLDEN).  Swear that you will never do this again.  Don’t worry, you won’t.  I am here to fix that. You now have your basis for comparison. 
Step 4: Back to the store.  Here is what you need to purchase.  This is going to be a costly trip, so bring a friend, or friends or make sure you at least have a credit card with reward points.  
  1. WIne: Buy a few reds from Europe and a some whites from Virginia, Australia, Oregon or Washington.  Do NOT buy anything that says sweet.  That is not wine.  That is a wine cooler for people who think they can get away with still drinking wine coolers because it comes in a different bottle. As for the types of wine you should buy, I will explain the basic types in Step 5. 
  2. Beer: Read the label. It needs to come in bottles and it needs to have been made within a 50 miles radius of your home OR comes from a known microbrew.  If it comes in a can or cardboard box, do not buy it.  
  3. Liquor: Ever heard the phrase top shelf? Guess where the good liquor is? 
Step 5: Know your wines. Here are the major categories of wine and their basic descriptions:
  1. Merlot - Really really dry red wine.  Makes your mouth dry wine.  Usually tastes like licked a piece of plywood. Very herby. Makes you look sophisticated to drink.  
  2. Syrah/Shiraz - A hearty dry red wine.  Good for spice lovers.  Lots of tannins which is like LSD for the tongue.  Makes you look like you know about wines when you drink this one. 
  3. Cabernet sauvignon - Smooth, easy red wine. Good for first timer.  Great wine for steaks. Can be kinda peppery.  Makes you look like a non-snotty red wine drinker because everyone has heard of it.  
  4. Malbec - yummy South American snottiness
  5. Pinot Noir - dark delish French (the best anyway) goodness that is good with chocolate
  6. Zinfandel - not a wine - skip this
  7. Sagiovese - fantastic Italian - work up to this
  8. Barbera - see wine #7
  1. Chardonnay - Dry white wine. Popular with women. Will make you either look like a sophisticated woman or just a woman when drunk by a man. 
  2. Sauvignon blanc - Dry white, but not as dry as Chardonnay. Herby taste but the awesome winemakers of South America like to mix goodies into this, like mango.  Makes you look like a smart white wine drinker. 
  3. Pinot Grigio - little sweeter than the SB or C but still actually tastes like alcohol.  That is what we are going for here friends.  If you cannot taste the alcohol this defeats the purpose of drinking like a grown-up. 
  4. Moscato - gas station wine
  5. Riesling - fun German bubbly wine that is a tiny bit sweet but still dry and actually tastes like alcohol
As a side note, wine should be made out of fruit.  Nothing else. And if the fruit is not a grape, make sure that the wine tastes like alcohol.  Not Kool-Aid. Period.  
Step 6: Know your beers. Here are the major categories of beer: 
Ales and Lagers.  That’s pretty much it.  There are some sub categories, but like the wine, we need to start small. The difference boils down to this, Ale are heavier and heartier (think European beer) and Lagers are lighter and clearer (think American beer). One is really not better than the other, it just depends on what you are eating and what you are in the mood for.  And it should taste like beer. Not piss.  If you are choking it down, that is not beer.  Beer should taste hoppy and yummy.  AND it should probably cost about $8-$10 for a six pack of bottles. Seriously.  Wine does not always follow this rule, i.e. Two Buck Chuck at Trader Joe’s, but beer does.  If your beer purchase costs more than the groceries of the family of four ahead of you and you only have like two six packs, you have done well my friend.  
Side note: I have been informed by a good friend as I write this blog that apparently it is hipster ironic to “Drink PBR while driving a car worth over $20,000.” Well, not while driving, I don’t condone that, but being in possession of said car.  You know what I mean. 
Step 7: Know your liquors. Here are the major categories of liquor:
  1. Vodka - Russian burny alcohol. Lot o’ burny. Good with OJ.
  2. Gin - Old lady burny. Good with juice according to Snoop Dogg. 
  3. Rum - Middle aged burny. Good with coke, even diet if you are trying to lie to yourself about the calorie content of your indulgence.
  4. Tequila - Mexican burny.  Actually has legit taste with burny. Good stuff includes worms.  My favorite kind of burny.  Would make my life to shoot this with Michael Shanks.  (Well this or moonshine. Hey handsome, you ever had moonshine?)
  5. Whiskey - Redneck burny. Strongest taste of all.  My brother’s kind of burny.  Add nothing to this drink kind of drink. 
There are many others, but this is a good start.  After all, I am only trying to teach you to drink, not to tend bar.  That might have to be another entry...
Step 8: Moonshine. Yes, shine gets is own step.  Thanks to reality television, most of you know what moonshine is and how it is made.  If you don’t, I suggest checking out this link: . (I really should get paid for this!!) Moonshine can come in many flavors, but my top three are a) Apple Pie, b) Sweet Tea and c) Peach.  Butterscotch is ok and I have had plain, watermelon and strawberry, but nothing beats those three.  I love moonshine so much that it is hard to be sarcastic in this posting.  I love moonshine more than Spanish wine, I just have to function the next morning so Spanish wine usually wins.  
Step 9: The tasting. Now, here is where I snob you up. Put away the beer pong cups, the printout of step 2 from above, anything you used before.  And, while you are at it, get your friends to bring over some food, good food, like expensive cheeses and crackers and sushi. Lay everything out on a spread for all to see and start drinking.  And TALK about what you drink.  This is NOT stupid. What is stupid is going into a business dinner at 35 years old and have no idea what to order. What is stupid is hosting a party where you buy a ton of beer, etc. and no one drinks it because it is so bad.  Like anything else in life you have to learn how to do this.  Do not get drunk! Are you listening to me or have you already starting drinking!?!? Dammit, why don’t you people ever listen to me once we pull out the booze!?!?! Quick - someone still reading start the coffee!!! 
Step 10: Oh, you’re still here? Can you still read? Try this: saodfgjnagnagn . Just kidding; that was a test.  Oh, I’m still here.  I will have my wine AFTER I finish writing the blog like I expected you to start drinking AFTER you read it.  Yes, there is a step ten and that step is, only drink with friends.  Not just the DD or take the keys issue but friends will clean up your puke and put you to bed.  Friends will not let you drunk call your ex.  Friends will make you stop internet stalking and tweeting your celeb crush. Friends make sure that you do not act like too much of an ass. 
And then record it.  
To put on YouTube. 
I hate you people... 

1 comment:

  1. SOME friends will "make you stop internet stalking... your celeb crush." Others will encourage it. LOL :)