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Monday, December 24, 2012

How to Salvage Christmas

How to Salvage Christmas

Subtitle: Holy shit Christmas is tomorrow and I have spent my entire month thinking the world was ending and preparing for that so DAMN YOU MAYANS YOU SCREWED ME OVER.
I'm better now. 
No, really, I don't think I'm gonna have any midnight surprises. 
Athena willing...

Step 1: Make a list. I cannot stress the importance of this because those crafty little Christmas merchandisers KNOW that you'll be frantic and just buy stuff so they stash it on your entire walk to the register. Make this list BEFORE you leave home. Yes honey, I made a list. Well, I needed a new nose ring. And those socks. And that bag of candy. You can't get cookie sheets that cheap year round....oh dammit just stop.

Step 2: Call your best friend. Trust me, you can't do this alone, in fact, you'll need to call this friend if for no other reason than to have someone to laugh at people with. I mean honestly, when you're getting out of your car at the mall and people are riding around yelling "Bitch, get yo azz in da car!" only to go into the mall itself to see that every parent who has an over-sugared disturbed child is letting them run loose around the mall, you will need another soul with which to lament that the Mayans were wrong. 

Step 3: Coffee. Just as important as the wine in your life should be the coffee this holiday season and since you can't drink and shop, mall food is nasty and for some reason that you will NEVER understand malls in the good 'ole US of A ONLY carry Pepsi products. Nothing against Pepsi, but really EVERY SINGLE THING in the food court, everything is a Pepsi product? What happened to choice? Ok, well, the good thing is that coffee is hard to screw up and the caffeine high makes up for you having to be with these crazy idiots who are hanging out at the mall without bags because they are just HERE and not shopping. 

DAMN YOU MAYANS!!! I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER PREPARED!!!

Oh, Pseudo-Brother thank you. Yes, one cream, two sugars. 
Just like Daniel Jackson.
Think Daniel Jackson. 
All better. 

Step 4: Don't eat the cookies. No, really, if you need a cookie THAT bad BUY IT FIRST. No joke, we were in Walmart, cutting through the grocery section to get back to automotive so I could buy Hot Roommate a stereo for his truck and there were OPENED cookies at the holiday cookie table, OPENED, and were not samples, they were eaten. People just opened the cookies and took to eating them. Triflin, just triflin. 

And I DEF wouldn't touch those cookies nasty person who is looking at the box with me reaching forward. 

On second thought, go ahead. 
Maybe someone put the plague in those cookies. 

Step 5: Remember that to buy something people like and not hipster bullshit you needed to plan ahead. Like NOT the day before ahead. All I wanted was to get my son an earring. Yes, he has a pierced ear and he wanted a little thing like a skull and maybe some super hero logos. BUT NOOOOO. Boys earrings consisted of ONE thing and ONE thing ALONE - LARGE FAKE DIAMONDS.  My son does not want to look like a gangster, he wants to look like a little kid with an earring, but when I ask you for a skull you start to tell me WHAT boys are wearing. Let me lay this out for you idiot since you aren't getting it.  I'm standing here wearing pretty & preppy Express brand clothes with FOUR facial piercings and more earrings in my right ear than one human should have. I quite obviously am NOT caring what EVERYONE is doing. Show me to the damn skulls. 

Step 6: Don't shop at places call Italian Jewelry. See, I think that was my mistake with Step 5 because the cute little punky girl at Claire's helped me right away. The fact it was CALLED Italian jewelry and had the TACKIEST shit on the planet on display right by their sign SHOULD have clued me in, well, it DID clue me in, but I went anyway. Asked about a skull or bone earring. Guy looked at me funny and showed my stupid fake diamonds.  I switched to Spanish because he was pissing me off and acting like he didn't speak English and IF he was Italian he WOULD understand me (I spoke Spanish in Italy and got along JUST fine). He said "I understood you, people don't like skulls." 

Well I DO ASSHAT. 

Me to Pseudo - brother: Why can we NEVER have a normal shopping experience?
Pseudo-brother to me: (Shrugs) Fate.

Step 7: Don't price compare, ever, because if you're waiting till NOW to shop, well, you just need to buy what you want when you see it and stop stressing. If you don't you'll either go to five stores, remember that either store number one or store number two had it cheapest, go back there and it's gone OR you'll be tired, annoyed at fake Italian jewelry salesman, only to see that the perfume place has the Obsession your sister wanted cheaper than the department store but the line is hanging out and you're too close to that damn jewelry store and you might just start swearing at those stupid asshats in a third language. Just go home. 

Step 8: Get the futon out of my van. I really have to stop doing people favors. Part of the damn reason that I've dragged Pseudo-Brother to the mall tonight is simply because he has the bikes that Santa is bringing the kids that he has been hiding in his living room for a month and now I can't get the damn things in because I have a futon in my van that does not belong to me.  So here we are, in a dark parking lot, where people are riding around swearing (Really what has happened to this mall!?!) trying to quickly transport two bikes from one car to another. 

This does NOT look kosher.
And as my friends know I'm already on the outs with the law. 
Hurry dammit, here comes mall security. 

Step 9: Get home. Seriously, I'm laughing so hard at how ridiculous all of this was and I've only been out for two hours. TWO HOURS. In two hours I've managed to: 

1. Impulse buy about $50 of shit I don't need. 
2. See people just a' openin' and a' eatin' cookies without paying like you are just supposed to. 
3. Almost get hit by THREE cars. 
4. Been given a fashion "lesson" by sleazy fake Italians. 
5. Almost punched said fake Italians for their smart mouth. 
6. Paid too much money for already overpriced perfume. 
7. Managed to get stared at like I was stealing bikes. 

Just. Go. Home. 

Or stop for more coffee. 
One cream, two sugars. 
Daniel. 
With Daniel.
Better. 

Step 10: Drink. I drank all of the moonshine. Damn Mayans. All I have left is wine in a box which I bought because I figured, hey, why not, the world is ending, might as well buy wine in a box and NO ONE DRANK IT. Seems I've established a standard of drinking in my household. Excellent. Well, I've got that and I think there might be some daiquiri in the freezer. Might as well! 

Cheers everyone! Have an AWESOME Christmas. 
I'll see you on Kujichagulia - sound it out phonetically, TRUST ME..... XD 


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