How to Have Girls Weekend
Subtitle: There were no orgies trust me, really, I swear...
Step 1: One day you’re gonna get a text from a friend that basically says “My work is having a convention in Toronto. It’s not the whole weekend so we could party the first part of the weekend and you could leave when I have to work. What do ya think; wanna come?”
Sounds like a great idea! Unless, of course you have kids, a great hubby and a job, oh and you’re training for a marathon. Oooh, Wait! Hot Roommate is ULTRA supportive of the Marathon!!!
And....coincidentally, there is a half marathon that SAME weekend. And you do NEED chipped races to practice pacing. So....
Book a race so husband can’t stop you from going.
Me: Hey, sooo my birthday's coming up & my friend has a hotel for the weekend in Toronto and...
Hot roommate:(knows where this is going)
Me: There's a half marathon super close by so...
Hot roommate: You already booked it didn't you!?
So, you’re going, but what the hell, you start to talk to another friend who is really sad because she missed her chance to go to the Saving Hope set this summer and Shanks is tweeting that he’s shooting through September.
Invite her too, why the hell not?
Little pub crawling...
Oh, and maybe get to see Mr. Canadian Hot Pants.
Step 2: Have complete and total panic attack once you arrive in Canadia (yes, thank you SouthPark I referred to this place as CANADIA for four days....) See, I land in TO, elated, hyped, can’t wait to find LaVerne in the airport and head to Nikki’s and I get to talking to a nice girl in customs. The conversation went a little something like this:
Girl: So how long you here for?
Me: Long weekend, girl’s weekend. I fly out Monday.
Girl: When Monday?
Me: Quarter to noon or so.
Girl: Where are you staying?
Me: Downtown Toronto.
Girl: You’ll never make your flight.
Ok, so between rush hour, construction, customs being on the CANADA side when I depart.... this chick had me in a panic.
So, I asked the dude as customs/border crossing.
HE SAYS SAME THING.
I CALL the airline with my flight information AND the travel agent that I used.
THEY BOTH SAY THE SAME THING.
Sure, I wanna have fun, but how am I gonna get home???
I was so freaked out that I didn’t even hug LaVerne until I explained this whole mess to her.
I decided to take a deep breath, and just get to Nikki’s.
Step 3: Woodstock, ON has no peace, love or pot. That’s in New York. You’re welcome. I saved you a 2 a.m. confusing trip that ended in Timmy’s. (But they do have Timmy’s. Timmy’s is good. There’s a ‘Timmy Me’ App. Like I don’t even live in Canada and I’m downloading that shit). But I digress. Now, not only am I stressed about getting home to my work and family but now we’re lost. The nice rental car guy had told me ALL about the construction in the area for the PanAm Games or something and we should have listened. Instead, the direction signs were temporary and some lacked reflectors and there were pylons and barricades. It was nonsense.
We arrived at Nikki’s at 2:30 a.m.t o her jumping up & down outside my door ready to tackle me as soon as I stood (she hugs too, and she's not even Southern) There was a mass amount of excitement & hugs & happy..so we just gave up on real sleep.
Thank you Jodie too for keeping me awake via Skype so I could change my flight to something the US Airways lady said wasn’t impossible to make without drastic measures.
Step 4: Learn the culture. I learned quite a few things this time around since it wasn’t a college drinking trip or a high school band trip.
- Canada has looser stripping regulations. Taking off your pants, etc is ok. You guys know how I am and I just change clothes without thinking. Now Nikki’s house is one thing, sorry again Jay, I wear a thong, but none of Nikki’s neighbors minded in the LEAST that I just pulled off my shirt and changed right in the driveway. I changed at the Saving Hope curb too. On the curb. That happened. No worries. Just good to know.
- Canada has black squirrels and I want to squish them. SOOOO hard. We’re having a curbside conversation and Nikki says squirrel (Apparently this is from movie Up but in the south we just say this) but this time it’s for real...and it was BLACK! (Nikki: Bri is chasing after that thing and taking a shit load of pics of that and could care less about Saving Hope right now). I’m not kidding, it was cutest thing ever. But customs won’t let me bring on back. Or Kinder Eggs, because apparently they will DETAIN you for Kinder Eggs (I tried to buy a case, was given a NO).
- Canadians are too polite.
- For example, when you signal in Canada, they let you over. For real. I was shocked too. If you cut someone off by accident no one is hanging out of the window giving you the finger and swearing, they just politely beep. The cab drivers don’t even try to hit you. It was like a whole new world...
- When you’re in the back of the elevator you don’t have to push through. People let you out. Like they get out, hold the door open and wait for you. Honest to GOD I just stood there for a few seconds with no idea as to what I should do at all. It was amazing. Wait, sorry girls, I’m coming, just needed to put my jaw up.
- These bitches say sorry for breathing. Like, every other word. And now I do too. Every other words. Good times. But Shanks says I say it wrong, I need to pronounce it right to be an honorary Canadian. When they start saying y’all I’ll consider it.
- Poutine is good. REALLY good. Like, don’t teach this recipe to a former fat lady good. WOWZA. AND, it’s super easy to make so guess what the kiddos are getting for dinner when I get home. POUTINE. (gonna need to watch that fat lady mess).
- You can take being an honorary Canadian a LITTLE too far, I guess. Molson, apparently, is taking it too far.
LaVerne: Bri, what are you drinking?
Bri: Canadian. I only want Canadian stuff.
Nikki & LaVerne: Molson Canadian?
Bri: *looks at glass* Yeah Molson.
Nikki: OMG! That’s horrible. I don’t even drink Molson!!!!
Bri: *sips* It’s not that bad.
5 mins later... (human beer level reached, yes, it’s a thing, passes it off)
Nikki’s drinking my Molson.
I’d like to point out she ALSO told Shanks that I drank it too.
He looked at me funny and then babbled some nonsense about alcohol percentage.
Kiss my ass y’all.
I drink moonshine.
- Bring Cards against Humanity everywhere. I’d like to take this moment to thank my friend Bryce for introducing me to this complete and total nonsense. It’s great for curb playing, hotel room playing, car playing. Except for when children or people with souls are around, I’m not sure if there is ever a BAD time to play it. It’ll teach you things about your friends that’ll astound you and it’ll keep you occupied till KC Collins comes by.
My first curb experience.
This is for my sister, who has no idea what Saving Hope is and refuses to watch on the grounds that she’s annoyed that I love Michael Shanks.
I hugged Hale.
Screw you bitch.
On a side note, look up at set before you do something stupid. I did that “Wanna fight” bucking thing to Nikki.
I think I spooked Daniel Gillies. Of course he was looking at just that exact moment.
Step 5: Know the ‘what to wear’ schedule in advance. Toronto does not dress street walker till Saturday. Therefore, it’s a bad idea to go, pull out little black dresses, get into hooker boots, make-up and jewelry and head out into the night looking for clubs on Friday.
Nikki: If someone tries to make us an offer, I’m gonna kill you.
LaVerne: I would DIE laughing.
Me: No one’s gonna buy us. If this were Richmond, we’d fit right in.
LaVerne: And what have you told me about RIchmond?
Me: Let’s go change.
This proved to be a GREAT idea, for, in Toronto, much like Florida, it rains suddenly. And much NOT like Florida, it’s cold as shit. So find a place to go. Maybe a bar with shiny bottles. (Yes, I’m like a raccoon, shiny objects attract me). Next, find an Irish pub because the rain prevents you from making it to the hook-up the lady at Shiny Bottle bar gave you. And start drinking Canadian beer (just in jeans this time).
Oh, on another note, back to being polite, Canadians WAIT for the little walk guy to walk. All of them!! EVEN when it’s raining. Like, I’m Southern, the end all of be of American hospitality and kindness and the citizens of TO made me look like a jay-walking jackass.
Step 6: Tweet obscurely to confuse everyone that’s not here. It’s just funnier that way. Some examples include:
I will suck that fucker.
I love CANADIA!!!!
Is there a human beer limit?
Keg o Heineken.yep we're doing that...
I got it...Tis rotten dandelions. Ummm, Ya, it might be that.....Ohh my Lord I'm lmao.
This is happening.... Bra borrowing.yep
There's mood lighting then there's..... 'make out lighting'?
I am seeing so many things I cannot unsee right now
"I have a keg!!! .... But i dont know how to use it"
That is not the most personal thing shared this weekend.
"I'm a big girl now"
"The Schwarma is still in the car...shit..."
White sheets = fukking clean! #splugeFree xD
'Where are the cute little plastic cups? Wait, shit, we have GLASSES. We have fuckin' WINE glasses. We're SET.
You Canadians love this song 'Zombie' third time today I’ve heard it.
Stop feeding me Canadian shiite.
Bri. I'm really good at talking people into what i want. LaVerne. I know. we are sitting here in Toronto
Reading through these I realize I sound like a complete and total insane person.
Wow, just wow...
People entrust their children to me.
Step 7: You will never take the same road in Toronto twice. EVER. I swear for as much as I was in love and in shock that every time I got behind the wheel that I wasn’t cussin’, city planners must be talking to Richmond. Day one John Street open. Come back day two, closed. Day one Gardiner expressway open. Day two closed. In fact, we did not return to the hotel the same way twice, ever. And there two Residence Inn’s in the Toronto area. You must specify, otherwise, you end up back at Orbiter.
God dammit Hot Pants.
You HAUNT me.
And I HATE you for it.
But we made it, back to the hotel, and knew better than to dress up. Jeans and t-shirts, although at this point I have worn LaVerne’s bra (no small titty comments JODIE!), Nikki has worn my dress and hoodie and LaVerne’s socks and I have a pair of Nikki’s jeans somewhere, we head out into the night.
Straight for the Condom Shack.
In the USA we give our sex shops all cute and proper names to hide what they are.
Yes, Dev, it’s because of the Puritans.
It was the tiniest porn shop ever. Granted, there were dildos for all to see from the streets, but I’m not looking for serious things, this IS me. I’m looking for stupid things, like, well, anything with their little mascot. So I got a tote bag :) That was my ONLY souvenir from the trip.
We then headed out in search for pasta, the ultimate runner’s fuel and coincidentally ended up at the Ultimate Cafe where we had Annie, the best server EVER and Orgasmic Cheesecake.
Seriously, you MUST have this cheesecake. It is made CORRECTLY. New York cheesecake in TORONTO!!
Tonight pretty much ended in cheesecake, as some of us less sane members of this party were gonna run 13 miles (21 km) in the morning.
Guess who that was?
Step 8: Race in Ontario, just make sure you have crazy friends that will get up at any hour to cheer you on.
Nikki: Why am I up?
Me: It’s race day!! Can’t you feel it??
Best part was both of them tweeting from before the race about being surrounded by happy people. I TOLD you guys that running makes you happy!!
Oakville is AWESOME, and just an FYI to my relatives, it’s Bedford of Ontario, just with Tim Horton’s instead of Dunkin Donuts (which Timmy’s is better and cheaper too). Other than that, I swear, I was in a cross between Fredericksburg (cute little shops but not too posh - damn you Jodie, I now say posh) and my husband’s childhood home. Meet up with more Tweeps (legit, do any of you guys suck, because you all just kick ass). Also worth noting are that Canadians are just as superstitious as we are, since not once but twice we were directed to touch the Missassagua marathon shoe. Which was a dirty sneaker. Nailed to a board. Stuck in a bucket.
Damn, it feels like home.
Oh, and for the dumbass, not sure who you are, that scared me making me think that I was an idiot, Ontario is not a different altitude.
Might wanna go restudy your geography.
And there they were, jumping up and down like fools as I crossed the finish. I would have cried, but I was too dehydrated from Canadian beer.
Step 9: Bring enough panties for the curb. I mean, you seriously need to have the proper undergarments when you go see your inspiration again. However, never fear, you can wear a bikini as underwear. Granted, it’s brightly colored and shows through your bright pink pajama pants but oh well. I’ll be decent when it counts. Just not right now. Hell, if I was overdressed in a pleather jacket here, I don’t think anyone is gonna care about a bikini. Oh and pack socks, and a sweatshirt. The dumbass Canadian who should know the weather, did not. (Nikki :P )
Step 10: And speaking of pajama pants, Toronto is VERY casual, except for Saturday dress like a hooker nights, remember? Buy a keg, in your PJs, and do keg stands with a mini keg in your hotel room to say a final goodbye to your last night.
(By the way I bought a keg b/c the alcohol prices in Canadia. WOW! You people have to be making bathtub gin or you budget for booze. FOR REAL)
Get stoopid with your friends, really stoopid and hope that no one gets the video. Tweet Corin Nemec. Think you permanently scared Corin Nemec when he doesn’t reply (longest 5 minutes ever) oh, okay, he relied, phew! And ya, he finds you hilarious. Oh shit, there’s video.
I need to stop laughing and go to bed.
It hurts to laugh.
I just can’t take it.
But come on, you guys know that Step 10 is always drink!!!
So....wondering why it stops at step 10? When you guys know I saw Shanks?
We went to the set. All I can say right now is this:
The greatest thing you can ever do for another person is to show them kindness. The people at Saving Hope do this well.
I was wrong, about so many things.
Thank you, all of you, for caring. You didn’t have to do what you did and you will never know what it meant to us.
Every single person at Saving Hope is simply incredible. Cast and crew alike, they are some of the most caring, genuine and kind people that we have ever met; they’re the type of people that go out of their way, above and beyond, more than I ever could have expected.
It was truly amazing.
Athena, Canadians rock.
Much love and best wishes for a bazillion seasons.
I’m looking into ordering a Canadian citizenship packet.