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Thursday, October 11, 2012

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

How to Know When You are Being Hit On

Subtitle: Come on people, I can’t believe that I am actually having to write this...

71 days left. That’s not a lot of time to use this advice, but it’s worth a try. 

Step 1: Understand you can be hit on anywhere. ANYWHERE. I mean anywhere.  See, I had sadly forgotten this post college when I had Adorable Nerd and Fashionista in Training and became Bri the Beluga Eyeore, but since my #ChangeYourStars transformation, I have been reintroduced to the wide world of “Dude, did you just say that?” It can happen in the grocery store (really hun, NO ONE is that stupid about banana selection), it can happen at a kid’s birthday party (and your WIFE is RIGHT THERE), it can happen on a school visit (I am wearing the ugliest VVa shirt know to man and this teacher just told me I am very beautiful). So be prepared for it, because, as my Girl Scouts know, you can never be too prepared. 

Step 2: Learn body language.  Now, personally, I find this step to be the hardest, mostly because I’m not one for subtleties; I’m the kind of person that thinks the middle finger is part of normal speech. But apparently, whether we are talking about men or women, there is an entire list of things that look like one thing but mean another.  So, since ya love em so much, I made ya a small chart of some basics: 

Physical Tell
When Men do it
When Women do it
When BRI does it (for clarification) 
Stand really close
Excuse to be close, peep down shirt and possibly bump you
Want to smell you, sniff you and all sorts of good stuff.
You are either in my way or won’t move OR I am just really not paying attention. 
Touches your arm
He is trying to make sure you saw that dude cut that zombies head off
Sign of affection, a caring gesture, may or may not be romantic
I am trying to get your attention. Look at me. Are you listening to me? 
Kisses your cheek
He cares about you. Or is gay. Probably #2.
Depends...we are a fickle beast. Best to let you guys wonder on this one. 
Me, I hug and kiss EVERYONE. No, seriously, I do, not just Mr. Canadian Hot Pants but EVERYONE.
Flip of the Hair
He is a surfer or gay. Seriously, if you have not figured it out, dudes are pretty blunt or clueless
She is trying to get your attention to notice her hair, the curve of her neck or a cute piercing. 
Goddamn hair in my damn face; where’s my hairtie????

Step 3: The pick-up line. Fortunately, the internet has helped teach most of us the world’s best and worst so we can spot them accordingly. Here are a few notable ones: 

a) I made you come with one finger, think what I could do with them all. This shouldn’t    need explaining, but you’ve got to give a guy credit for trying. 
  1. Hey baby you won? Won what? A dance with ________ (me, my friend,etc.). Ok, this one is kinda cute and clever, but unless your name is Michael Shanks, I am not considering you my prize! 
  2. Being with a girl with a tongue ring is on my bucket list. Fantastic, take your dog down to Lucky 13, I’m sure they can hook you up. 
  3. Did an angel just fall from the sky? Awww...I’m don’t believe in that and I prefer vampires, but thanks for playing. 

Step 4: The double meaning. Let’s be honest, I think one of the reasons that I’m so madly in love with Daniel Jackson is that the poor man is just so oblivious and more than anything I enjoy writing him oblivious with Addy (if you are lost CLICK HERE). But I think I really love him because I am oblivious. Case in point, this year for the Renaissance Faire I was both elated and saddened that my Tavern Wench dress no longer fit (too big - by a LOT) and in a panic I went to the flea market to try to get something close (because it’s not as if the mall’s got a Medieval Clothes R Us or anything).  There wasn’t a wide selection there either, but I did manage to find a black fake leather dress that looked like something I had seen on a movie. So I wore it, even though it was 95 degrees and I was slowly melting away. Now, we hadn’t been there that long when the comments started: “Wow, you look so hot in there,” “That must be really hot,” “Can I ask you if you are comfortable,” etc. and I had to explain to everyone that I was fine, which after a while, I was. However, at about the 15th comment, Hot Roommate pulls me aside, infuriated, fussing at me for flirting. Apparently, I hadn’t noticed that all of theses “concerned citizens” were men, who had, in their deep concern, touched my dress to see the material and evidently were gawking at me as I talked. Brushing that moron I married off, I stormed over to talk to a mutual male friend. 

Friend: He finally done with it? 
Me: Done with what? 
Friend: Uh, every man in this fair using your dress as an excuse to come gawk at you. 
Me: *Facepalm* 

Step 5: Recognizing a date. Ladies this is for you, well, mostly. If a guy takes you ANYWHERE and he or his mother DRIVES at all, THAT is a date. Even if you are with a larger group. Even if the movie he picks is really a buddy flick and nothing that will make you cry on his shoulder or jump in his lap in fright.  Pretty much to a man, it’s a date if you sit beside him, acknowledge his presence and he doesn’t mention another girl. Keep that in mind ladies, lest you are surprised by the random kiss exiting the theatre. Ok for you gentleman, here’s the skinny, we will think it is a date if you complete ALL of the following: 

  1. Pick us up
  2. Open ALL doors
  3. Pay for the meal
  4. Take us to an activity we like
  5. Ask us to talk about ourselves
  6. Tell us we are pretty
  7. Offer to do something nice for us at a later date

And even if you complete A-G, that doesn’t mean you’re getting any. Unless of course you’re “You Know Who” in which case you had me at A. 

Step 6: Recognizing the more obvious. Like a kiss, like the kiss from above. Not a cheek kiss, well not always, we went over that in Step 2, but if you’re sitting your happily little self on the sofa at a frat party (seriously, why does everything seem to go down at these things) and dude or chic comes over and just kisses you then THEY ARE INTERESTED. There is no rationalizing your way with this, they’re interested, even if it is just for the night. Ya hear me. Kiss. Them. Back. Unless they’re fugly. In that case, just run. 

Step 7: Really, how was that not obvious? I have a friend. He travels a lot for work. A lot. He went out of town for a business trip. Ate dinner alone at the hotel restaurant the night he arrived. Met a couple. Hit it off. Exchanged phone numbers. They texted him all day long the next day, while he was WORKING and in MEETINGS asking him back to dinner. All day. Like even we he said that he was really busy. And kept doing it.  Until he gave in. Wanted to meet in hotel bar. Which he did. Then they wanted to go back to their room after they ate, for drinks. And my friend WENT. And left nearly screaming a few moments later. Moral of the story: Bri can’t fix everyone. 

Step 8: The internet. Now, this can be a little more difficult my friends, because we miss that all important body language from step 2 and even worse when you consider TWO things: One - people lose all filters on the internet, I know I do and Two - everyone is on twitter. For real. True story. Student of mine went on a college visit. Got hot tour guide. Goes home and tweets about how hot he is and other things that, well, I would tweet about ;P.  Few hours later gets a tweet back. “Thanks” From him. So, just make sure if you’re going to do internet flirting, be really obvious and blunt. 


See? Like that. Obvious.

Step 9: Dearest Hot Roommate. I would like to outline to your high cluelessness my attempted hitting on you in college that you DID NOT GET in the hopes that you will better educate our son. 

  1. When a girl kidnaps you in her van (named the Porn Star) from the sidewalk to go to a play - she is hitting on you. 
  2. When a girl sits by you during Deliverance and hides in your lap during the “squeal like a pig scene” - she is hitting on you.
  3. When a girl takes care of you after you passed out sick in your suite shower after drinking too much Mudslide - she is hitting on you. 
  4. When a girl CALLS you to whine after EVERY break up and points out how SWEET you are - she is hitting on you.
  5. When a girl KISSES you on the stoop of your dorm after we all start talking about regrets....wait, you GOT that one..just took you THREE years...stupid man....

Step 10: Can I buy you a drink? No, seriously Shanks, I would like to buy you a drink. Yes, I AM hitting on you. Yes, I KNOW you are married. Happily. So am I.  So, let’s make a deal. I’ll play Addy. You play Daniel. Then it’s “acting.” So handsome, what’ll it be, red or white??

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