How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

How to Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

Subtitle: Honestly, I'm not sure what I will miss more, the Earth itself OR being able to use the End of the World as an excuse for my behavior. 

Indy Zombie

Bri/Addy Zombie 

A list of the top ten things I got my husband agree to this year "just in case" we were in our last days. (And a few just mean things I did with the power of the gag)

#10: It let me make fun of my students. Not that I don't do that anyway, but the fact that this all started when some kid told me that I HAD to believe in this because I was a Spanish teacher just made it all that much more fun. 

Students: Do you believe in the Mayan calendar?

Me: Yep

Students: Really?

Me: Yep (kids get nervous)

Students: Sra., what did the Mayans say we should do??

Me: Buy Twinkies (pause) *laugh hysterically*

Stduents: That's not funny Sra. We BELIEVE what you say!!!

#9: The Thriller. Since this was going to be my last birthday, I got Hot Roommate to agree to take me to the theme park, dressed in Zombie garb, covered in fake blood, on my birthday, to learn to dance the Thriller. It's surprisingly easy. Hot Roommate said normal women like to go to fancy restaurants and get jewelry. I got to play a zombie and got a piercing. :) Win. 

#8: I got to ride every ride at King's Dominion. And not alone. There were some things, i.e. the Dominator (that people have BLACKED OUT) and the DropZone (that some chic got her legs cut off in Ohio). I took Hot Roommate with me. He rode EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. And not only that but he held my hand while the rides were ascending and I was in some cases crying. All in the name of the End of the World. 

#7: Hank. No, this is more for my husband than anything, but we bought a REALLY BIG TRUCK that we named after Hank McCoy (the Beast from X-men) for no reason. HIS reason(s)?? For one, if the world ends, we won't have to pay for it anyway. Secondly, it will hold up really well in the Zombie Apocalypse as long as we have gas to siphon. 

Hardened Zombie Killer 

Point for husband. 

#6 DisneyWorld. I am NOT a fan. I like Disney movies, just not mobs of obnoxious people paying more money than they should for something that was probably made in a sweat shop, but I digress... In the interest of my children, and my desire to give them some fun memories before they become hardened Zombie Killers, I braved DisneyWorld and learned some value lessons that you can find HERE. 

If you have not read this entry and are short on time, I will recap. 

Stay at the Polynesian. 

#5 Making Friends with Strange Foreign people. Evidently, I'm not the only person on the planet in love with a fictional space archaeologist. I decided to give Twitter a second chance and met some cool ass people. This is AFTER Hot Roommate warned me of the dangers of strange Canadians (confused?? see THIS entry) but I didn't listen to him. I made friends. Got a passport. Mailed presents. Got presents. And if we survive tomorrow, I'm meeting up with said crazy folk to group jump Mr. Canadian Hot Pants next summer. Watch out sexy...we're coming...

#4 Tattoos. I've always tattoos, but using the Mayan Calendar as my excuse, I upped my two tats at the start of 2012 to seven, the most important of which are Athena & Dionysus.  After all, when the Zombies do get me and I'm sent to the Underworld and meet up with Aeacus, Rhadamanthus and King Minos that I can just flash my wrists and be like, look, I'm in good with TWO of the big man's kids...

Owl of Athena 

Zombie Jello 

#3: Convert the Christmas Party to an End of the World Party. No cute sweaters and carols over here. The only Carol you are getting is running from Zombies, and Twinkies, Ramen and Chef Boyardee are at the top of the menu. We are having a champagne toast at midnight when we survive. The decor will be Mayan and Zombie. There will be shenanigans. 

#2: Piercings! When 2012 started, I had five piercings. I now have twelve. And EVERY pre-piercing conversation went like this. 

Me: Honey, I'm going to get _______ pierced. 

Hot Roommate: No

Me: Yes, it's my body. 

Hot Roommate: That I have to look at. 

Me: Please (pouts like girls I hate but he can't say no to)

Hot Roommate: Why?

Me: Because if the world ends, I will never know what it was like to have a ________ piercing. 

I repeat. I now have TWELVE. :P

See my tongue LOL??

#1: ChiCon!!! Yes, using the End of the World as my justification I got my husband to drive FOURTEEN hours on our WEDDING ANNIVERSARY for me to HUG ANOTHER MAN. 

It went down like this: 

Me: AHHHH!!!! Michael Shanks is doing a US CONVENTION. 

Hot Roommate: Oh god, of course he is. Where?

Me: Chicago.

Hot Roommate: That's too far...

Me: No, it's about as far as going to see your family. 

Hot Roommate: When is it?

Me: Our Anniversary....

Hot Roommate: Brianne....

Me: PLEASE. What if the world ends and I never got to hug Daniel Jackson???

Daniel Jackson, wait, I mean Michael Shanks :P 

Guess who I hugged????

Daniel Jackson

MWAHAHAHAHA

P.S. Remember how Monday was supposed to be about how to get in if you are headed our way once the world ends???

I'm gonna keep it simple:

Don't be a selfish asshat and bring food and wine. 

See you there...

How to Celebrity Stalk Proper

Subtitle: Lessons learned from Twitter. Greatest. Internet. Platform. Ever

78 days remain. Ya might wanna get your stalk on... 
Just a suggestion...

Step 1: Do select a proper target. Now, granted, I chose well (I mean besides the Grecian God part that proves how well I chose) and I’m not under the insane impression that I will ever run into someone as hugely famous as, let’s say, Morgan Freeman, who I think is personal friends with God. Pick a celeb based on their work, their real talents and someone worthy of your time. Or just watch Stargate and become obsessed at 30. That worked for me...

Step 2: Don’t Learn EVERYTHING about them. Now, there is a stark difference between going on IMDB and wikipedia, learning when their birthday is, cool things about their upbringing, likes and dislikes and looking up their public records. Yeah, you know who you are, I’m looking at you. Because while painting one’s fingernails blue before going to a Stargate Con because blue is Michael Shanks favorite color is 100% acceptable, knowing about a celebs financials (foreclosures), getting the home addy and agent’s email address is just creepy.  CREEPY. CREE-PEEE.

Step 3: Do stalk their twitter, website, etc. and find out where they are because these little lovelies do not use social media to talk to their friends, they use it to self-promote. I will let you digest that lest you thought otherwise. So....read their cute little snippets about work because they tell you what they are working on which can also tell you where they are. Please do not confuse this for step 2, step 2 you are searching for creepy things, step 3 THEY are giving you this information. And sometimes they are obvious. Like “I am going to Chicago Con.” Boo-yah. 

Step 4: Do create an accidental meet-up, but I couldn’t, could I?? because you are so damn elusive like a frakkin’ cat (Lion-o, hee hee) and the only thing I COULD run into you doing I don’t because I’m a runner and I’m highly allergic and that would be so attractive going into a coughing fit and convulsing on the sidewalk.......wait....then you’d have to save me.....perform CPR....... (dashes from hotel room)

Step 5: Don’t hide in the bushes. I said accidental. The bushes are NOT accidental. Nor are they believable. Not only is there no profession in which one hangs out amongst bordering foliage, but incase you missed the box of crayons that are skin tone, not a one of them is green.  So don’t do that, you just look creepy and become twitter fodder. And you make my blog. In not a good way either.  (See Step 2 again) 

Step 6: Do follow their tour bus, innocently after the concert to see if they will happen to stop at a place for normal folks, like, well, the Waffle House (I mean really, no matter how famous you are, who in the hell does NOT love the Waffle House!?!) and just sit on down and enjoy some covered and smothereds with them. Cuz for some reason they don’t seem to mind. 

Step 7: Don’t quit you good paying job to go to one event, ONE event, that lasts only a few days on the off chance that your celebrity crush might be there, and you might be able to see them for a few seconds, only to go, have them not show up and realize as you are eating your Zombie apocalypse ramen noodles and living by candlelight you really didn’t have the nerve to speak to them anyway would you have run into them.  Ya can’t eat and you didn’t even get a hug? You my dear win a Darwin. 

Step 8: Do blog about them on the off chance that they are reading this but doing that elusive Lion-o shit and will act like they never read it while they are secretly laughing their asses off. *hopes* *prays to Athena* *does dance while sacrificing a virgin* (kidding in the last one guys, kidding) 

Step 9: Don’t get drunk. On blood wine. And challenge a beloved celeb to a wrestling match to back up the shirt that he is wearing. Mostly because he is too nice to have you arrested, but you will scar him, so much so that when he later sees some perfectly friendly Klingons hanging out on the hot tub discussing universe domination in their native language, you will frighten him and he will stop doing conventions so normal Vala-like people like me will be unable to jump him. (Just kidding - but seriously dude, let’s have a few, shall we?) 

Step 10: Do buy them a drink. Seriously, are you reading this Shanks!! I know you read the letter, now bring your ass back to Chicago because I AT LEAST owe you a drink. No kidnapping, no Vala-ing (much), I PROMISE.  And I’ll make sure it is Spanish. Because anything else is just not worthy. Of you OR me ;P 

How to Have the Best Month Ever

How to Have the Best Month Ever

Subtitle: Betta live it up now because we are in our last days. 

Days until Mayan End of the World: 112

Glad I got to hug Shanks. 

Step 1: Ring in the month with a New Jersey wedding. Ok, so technically my awesome brother in law Will got married to THE BEST WOMAN HE COULD EVER GET (bless you Christina, just bless you) the last days of July, but this wedding was SO epic that it just has to be lumped in the awesomeness that has been August 2012.  Why, you may ask? Because in New Jersey, the wedding reception is not just some froo froo dinner with toasts. No, my friends, it is a PARTY. Take the best high school prom movie ever, minus the dumb angsty drama, add the finest food spread in existence with an endless bar, and a blackout and you’ve got yourself a party. And no, we didn’t cause the blackout, a storm did, but that didn’t stop the party, they just got a generator and we kept dancing.  Boo yah.

Step 2: Head back to work.  Yeah, I know that sounds pretty sucky, but my job rules.  Not only do I teach, which is the job Athena meant for me to have, in my yoga pants no less, but we have the best teacher week ever.  Because, not only is a not a week, but our meetings actually accomplish something, we get to stay at a nice hotel and they feed us.  Good food. Really good food. And we team up like college kids, roommates and all, smuggle in wine with a rooster on it and talk till one a.m.  Yeah, beat that face to face teachers. 

Step 3: Get the kids ready for school because Athena they have NEVER been. What in the world are you doing Bri?? Didn’t you write the blog on homeschooling?? Yeah, they asked, I gave in, more on that later.  Head to good old Wally World, pick up your 1000 page supply list, grab a cart and tote your little darlings all around the store, arguing with them that the supply list clears states a binder with a clear pocket on the front and not Iron Man.  Take supplies home only to find you also need a backpack, lunch boxes, new shoes, new clothes, sweet Dionysus isn’t homeschooling cheaper!?! No, no I said you could go, I’m not pulling you out. Don’t cry. Please. Stop. Here, eat a hostess cake. You might as well get used to them, they’re going in that damn lunch box. 

Step 4: Face your fears. Go to your local theme park and ride everything that ever frightened you.  Even if it’s the 305 feet straight vertical drop giga-coaster that people black out on and you’re pretty sure that’s not healthy for you.  Even if it’s the 72 ft free fall where a few weeks ago a girl got her legs cut off riding the same thing in Ohio.  Even if it’s the swings that are 325 ft. above the ground, playing the Harry Potter music, which your friend Andrea says is a good sign, but you can’t help but sit and think that you don’t have a broom with you if shit goes down.  Ride them all.  Scream and shout when you live.  And take pictures. 

Step 5: Hit the beach. I mean really, whose summer is complete without a trip to the beach? There are certain behaviors that we need to recall when heading to said beach (see last week’s entry here) but what you really need to do is just relax.  Ignore the crazy people and their weird kid (just don’t let yours play with it). Swim out into the water and discuss True Blood story lines with complete strangers. Go to a cheesy themed restaurant near the beach for a burger and scare the crap out of the waiter when you order the hottest thing on the menu and he really wants to get the manager like you are going go up in flames (which by the way dude, that was NOT hot). Live it up and enjoy, because remember that work thing. Kinda gonna cramp the beach real soon. 

Step 6: Decorate your body. The world’s ending right? Let’s get that ear just fully loaded.  Go to your local shop and just ask the piercer what he wants to do and let him just start poking away. He’s so sweet, gives you a hug because you are in there so much, and proposes a rook and anti-tragus combo and for you to come back in a few weeks for a triple inner daith.  Do it.  Why the hell not? A) the piercings are only $20 and B) they are holes, they grow back if you don’t like them. It’s not tattooing....well, it would be tattooing, but Hot Roommate gave me a budget for this insanity and I spent most of the budget on Michael Shanks. Damn you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants!!! 

Step 7: Meet your idol. Drive 14 hours, well make Hot Roommate drive 12 of the 14 hours, and waltz right up to him, tell him why you’re here, hug him so tight, kiss his cheek and give him a letter, pouring your heart out. He’ll say he’ll read it and he will.  You think you want an answer, you want to know if it meant something to him, but you’re a good judge of character. You looked into his eyes. He didn’t lie to you. He read it.  He got it. He just can’t say because of his position, but you know he did.  Thanks for reading it. You mean the world to me and I’m just glad that you know.  And I’ll never forget it either. 

Step 8: Welcome a new family member. Sit anxiously by your phone waiting for the call, the call that will tell you when your niece is coming. And change like twelve times, which is all good, because you are so excited you can barely concentrate anyway.  Head to the hospital be shuffled around room to room, yelled at by nurses for whispering when the other nurses are having a party feet away and wait in the waiting room forever until FINALLY you get to meet her, that perfect little angel that is entering your world and stare at her in disbelief, unknowing as to how that asshat that harassed you as a child actually produced something that perfect and beautiful. Whoda thought? 

Step 9: What me, another wedding? Yep, another one, but you might as well be in this on sister. As the Matron of honor no less.  Run around like a fool the day before, take your kids to “Meet the Teacher” in a cocktail dress, rush to the rehearsal, cut up with the wedding party, walk in with the groom's cute friend and head over to dinner, laughing and living it up. Give a toast, but slip into Spanish, and play it cool and look like you meant to.  Meet fellow Sci-Fi geeks, vow to go to DragonCon with them and then hit Walmart in said cocktail dress to buy more supplies.  Coffee, rinse, repeat. Be at the church at 9 a.m. Serve mimosas. All day.  Sit confused at Catholic mass wedding since you have no idea what to do but at least you can watch the bride’s mother to see when she will cry, which she won’t, and will result in you having to shoot whiskey with no chaser. Find out you will be entering reception to your FanFic song for Daniel and Adrienne, be insanely happy, request the song again and literally pull the young people that are not dancing onto the floor. It will be great and the bride is so happy, and it’s just all worth it.  Just be safe getting home.

How to Enter a Wedding ;P

Step 10: It’s September first and you really should be planning your Labor day party that is just a few short days away, but there is always tomorrow. Right now, the air is getting cooler, the days are getting shorter and Halloween is right around the corner. And we LOVE that. (And you KNOW that’s gonna be a how too....) So sit back, relax for a few hours and open some Spanish wine. You’ve got to start thinking about costumes...