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Thursday, December 13, 2012

How NOT to be the cause of the end of the world

How NOT to be the cause of the end of the world
Subtitle: I legit almost lost it. For real. Here is how I didn’t. 

Step 1: Call Jodie. Ok, don’t call Jodie because the woman has other things to do than calm people down, but find a friend who has the ability to go days without sleep and call them. They will listen to you rant, try to understand and then send you insane things to make you feel better. 

Step 2: Watch dirty British comedies. Because when you are essentially told the educational equivalent of “you have six months to make it to the moon, here’s you Model T to do it in” you need to laugh and watching Eddie Izzard talk about God handing out sexual positions, or better yet, Michael McIntyre go nuts about his man drawer, you tend to be a little less....homicidal. 

Step 3: Try to take every stupid thing that happened in your meeting and make it a Stargate scenario. If you are a fan of Stargate and my OC Fan Fic Series Continuation Surprise Package here is a tid bit: 

Here was my synopsis: "Ad, ja-wer, my love, I need u to get to work on new Ancient dictionary" "Indy don't we have 1?" "Yea, but IOA wants another FOR NO REASON"

Here was my conversation with another fan fic writer friend of mine: 

There was more. Follow us. It was long and funny and amused me. Like most things do. 

Step 4: While you are at it write a Daniel & Addy sex scene, I mean why the hell not?? Open up a new pages file and have Adrienne relieve a little tension. Then get mad because you are in public and feel icky writing sex in Panera bread. So, wait until you get home to write this blog and find you already wrote a similar scene it and it is RIGHT here. 

Step 5: Get Wine. Yep, in step 5. Like the ENTIRE BOTTLE. You hopefully have closed the Panera bread, they close earlier than you thought, and now you are headed home and you need to stop for wine, not, and NOT Moscato because what is that my friends??? (If you forgot see here) and take it home and pour. 

Step 6: Get ice cream and rum, or, more like get your significant other to bring it home because you are well into your bottle of ruche and there is no way that you can stand let alone, get Ben & Jerry’s hunny....Chunkee Munkee...iz yummy....and Malibu rum....yeah...

Step 7: The gym is open till midnight...SHIT! How many calories are in that?!?! Take me to the gym. Serilsuly...I’m not drunk...Imma gunna lift that....

On the floor

NOT doing sit ups

Doesn’t laughing count. 

Step 8: Call Jodie drunk and sore and ask for more British comedy. If she is asleep, which she should be, you truly need to sleep more sweetie, I care and worry, just search for Rhod Gilbert. Because nothing, truly, in funnier than watching him try to understand a $200 toothbrush. 

Step 9: Take solace in the fact that the world is gonna end next week and you are too drunk right now to buy a bomb and be the cause of it. I’m not even sure what I am typing anymore. Am I blogging? Am I writing Surprise Package? Am I grading? Is the meaning of life 42? 

Step 10: Pass out. Can somebody please put me to bed and forward this shit to MGM or whoever the fuck might find me creative or funny. Thanks. In the meantime I am going to dream that I am Addy and Daniel is nuzzling close to me.... (Didn’t think I’d get him in, didya?? Boo-yah) 

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