How to Survive Black Friday
Subtitle: Me and mine have a system. Yes, a system. We get the TVs. We get the PCs. We get the toys. And we live to talk about it.
SubSubTitle: LOOK AT YOUR CART! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!!
SubSubSubTitle: That’s too many towels...
Step 1: Case the joint. The A #1 mistake made by Black Friday shoppers is just a’showin’ up and taking the map the little dude who is ushering you through to cart corral hands you. Nope, that ain’t gonna work. You NEED to know where in the hell you’re going in advance AND where the large empty space in the store is. Cuz dem bitches SNEAKY. They do shit like hide the towels near the TV’s. If you know the store you can determine that running through intimate apparel is the fastest back route to said elusive towels.
Step 2: Sort your ads at kitchen counter while husband tries to talk to you before coffee like he doesn't know better AND forces the kids to watch the parade who are consequently whining about not wanting to watch the parade and coming to try to steal your ads and bitching about what they want for Christmas which is NOT what they told you last week when you started looking up leaked info and store maps online and now they’re screaming because there IS a good song on the parade and your husband just sprayed counter cleaner on the Macy’s ad with the COUPON and AHHHH!!!!
Breathe in. Breathe out. Think about Daniel Jackson. Just think about Daniel Jackson.
Step 3: Don’t forget your camera, because shit’s gonna pop off at the Walmart and not over what you think. Honestly, I did this for YEARS and NEVER EVER saw anything go down like what went down on TV and the ONE year I did not bring a camera and DID split up from one of my dearest friends and shopping buddy. That was the ONE year that some women started fighting over Boost Mobile phones. No lie. (And they did that this year too apparently! Do these phones sort laundry or something? House crack?) But I DID get to listen to it over the phone. CLASSIC. This time, my iPhone is CHARGED and ready to go!
Step 3A: Make sure there is room in the car. Really, because nothing sucks worse than having to stop shopping because you’re out of room in the car. You need as much room as possible for the towels.
Step 4: Get in Line. This really doesn’t have to be as bad as it sounds. Now I have heard horror stories but my area is pretty good. And we’re Southern, which means I’m striking up a conversation with the random woman behind me regaling her of tales of years past which include but are not limited to:
- Crawling between people’s legs when I was 16 to get my sister a Tickle Me Elmo
- Using walkie talkies pre-cell phones to divide and conquer
- Throwing Fisher Price toys in football like passes to my mother so she could dash to the line
- Gone to five stores to find the BatCave that came with the BONUS villains
Step 5: Bathroom Passes. I’m not even kidding here and as a teacher I find this to be HILARIOUS. Here is how it goes down: If you are purchasing something at a major retailer, like Walmart or Best Buy, you are going to have to complete step 4 HOURS in advance. If you want the 50” TV for $250 that goes on sale at 10, you will need to line up at 6, but never fear! Since you’re having to drink INSANE amounts of coffee chances are you’re going to have to pee (See Mr. Shanks we women have to pee EVERYWHERE so I LOVE you but I did stop on my 14 hour trek to pee! No worries! :) ). So what do they do? THEY GIVE YOU A BATHROOM PASS!!! They are pieces of paper with your name, the time you left the time and the time you have to be back lest your forfeit your place in line AND a store employee has to SIGN IT. JUST.LIKE.HIGH.SCHOOL. Honestly, I’m sad I didn’t buy a TV just to experience this.
Step 6: Distraction. If you want a hard to get item this is a MUST. Because what’s going to happen is when you get to the bikes, which is the ONLY thing your kids seem to want this year, there is going to be a woman that is going to be letting everyone know who is getting what bike and how this is going to go down and blah blah blah lady are you still talking but then as she is asking you for the ten thousandth time what time it is she will notice that the crock pots that she also wanted are being opened early so she starts screaming and the people who were listening to her like she ACTUALLY had a say over who gets a bike are confused, so you just shove your way through, rip open the plastic and take your bike.
I hope you got your crock pot.
I’m at the register.
With the bike.
Step 7: Why do you need that many towels?? No for real, the only thing my friend here wants is towels they are gone in seven minutes, seven minutes, like we’re talking HUNDREDS of towels are GONE. So on the way to the register you notice that they’re ALL in ONE cart. I’m not kidding! Is there something I don’t know? People are hoarding Twinkies, there’s a TV show about prepping for the end of the world and now towels. That’s it, it’s the Towelpocalpyse. We are in our last days.
Step 8: Watch what you wear because without fail since I’m young looking (yay, even at 32 I get carded, for real not just carded because it’s a rule) some old person is going to think you work there and try to ask you questions. It will go down like this:
Old Man: Excuse me, do you have any more crockpots in the back (On a side note, is this a last days sign as well?? Why does everyone want a crockpot??)
Me: No sir, sorry, I don’t work here.
Old Man: (scanning me up and down) You don’t?
Me: No sir, I don’t (scanning myself, as I wear black and gray almost EXCLUSIVELY - just like Mr. Canadian Hot Pants if I might add - and we’re in Target and their employees wear RED).
Old Man: So, you don’t know if there are any more crockpots?
Pseudo-Brother: Walk away Brianne, just walk away.
Step 8A: Side Target conversation.
Me: Hey, wait. I need a toaster.
Pseudo-Brother: None of those toasters match any color scheme in your kitchen.
Me: I’m not gonna leave it on the counter, I’m gonna pull it out when I need it.
Pseudo-Brother: Oh, in that case, get the red one.
Me: No, I want a yellow one.
Pseudo-Brother: That’s not yellow, that’s orange.
....... (continues for next 20 minutes)
Step 9: Don’t give up. Just because it’s gone in one store doesn’t mean it’ll be gone in another. Like towels! In fact, you might be able to go back down to Walmart, that same Walmart where you tricked bitches into bikes and saw the Towelpocalpyse go down and there will be the towels, so you stop, try them on and decide they suck and the ones you found EVERY WHERE ELSE are better. I hope that man enjoys his scratchy towels that don’t cover his ass. We made sure to test in advance.
Step 10: Coffee!!! I’m starting to worry about wine. No, seriously, I drink significantly less now as this blog soldiers on and significantly more coffee. Age? Nah, it’s probably the whole running thing. Whatever. Anyway, It’s about 8 a.m. when normal people might be rolling over to launch alarm clocks, but you, no you’re at the IHOP, being rescued. You haven’t slept in well over 24 hours. Your car should be full of shit that might actually not be for anyone else but you. You’ve been listening to hard core rap since 1 a.m. laughing about some of the morons that were smacking each other for a corded printer. But your kids actually slept tonight and you have to be a parent.
Damn happy I scored a Keuring for $60.
And the toaster is yellow.