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Thursday, September 20, 2012

How to Have an Alter Ego

How to Have an Alter Ego
Subtitle: Let the good times roll, or as Addy would say: Laisser les bons temps rouler!!
96 days left. Wish this number had some meaning.  It doesn’t. So just read. 

Step 1: Get outvoted on baby names. This is essential to creating your alter ego because you will need to name this person. Now, since I’m Southern and it is expected that I breed immediately upon or right before high school graduation, I had baby names planned and in my jewelry box since about age 13 or 14.  Boy: Anakin Skywalker. Girl: Kira Rowan.  So, when Hot Roommate and I found out we were preggo, I happily presented him with said names to which he happily replied Boy: Oh hell no and Girl: That’s a muppet.  Baby name fail.  

Step 2: Get pissed at your fav TV show. Yeah, I admit it, I am having an emotional affair. With Daniel Jackson. Sweet Athena, if that man was real there would be some SERIOUS issues, no joking here at all. So, imagine my dismay when they not only introduced him a love interest, putting me into a fan girl jealous rage, but that love interest was played by an awesome kickass chick who was quickly degraded to helpless sex bimbo. I quite literally screamed at the TV. And threw things. And during the finale hoped Sam made him some STD medication. 

Step 3: Start daydreaming.  Alright, so that final episode was called “Unending” so it didn’t end, right? They erased everything and went back to normal.  Movie acted like it didn’t happen. Alright, so what IF the right person came along?? Like, uh, me....let’s just advance step 10 a bit shall we??? Bring me a glass of wine and just sit over there, let me meditate for a few....

Step 4: Drink a lot of coffee. Yeah, see what we have to do to after you start drinking too soon, I thought we’d covered this. Drink coffee, chug it lady (or gentleman), because you’re gonna need it.  Those daydreams invade your entire mind, you think about it every free moment, as you run, as you do yoga, going to bed, walking, cooking dinner SHIT MY EMPANADAS ARE ON FIRE!!! Put out dinner fire and realize that you need this coffee to stay awake at night because Hot Roommate and the kids need to be gone while you daydream. 

Step 5: Write. So, you have all of these crazy ideas in your head. Write them down, in any form.  Computer, pad to paper, just write and write and write, even just one or two lines of dialog. Because what’s gonna start happening is that you’re gonna start thinking like her. A lot. Because really, she’s you. The you you would be if you actually let yourself keep being yourself and stopped worrying about ignorant asshats that live to bring you down. Write that down to. It’s fun to kill off people you don’t like. 

Step 6: Get a Twitter account. Now, not only can you stalk and have one line conversations with the last remaining Grecian God, Michael Shanks, aka Mr. Canadian Hot Pants, but you will meet a bunch of awesome crazy people who think like you and who have not been around to see you fall to pieces and not be yourself.  They will accept you and this alter ego. In fact, they will call you by her name. Oh, her name, you ask? If you’ve read the stories (if not click here) her name is not Kira is it? Ok take Kira - subtract creepy old lady that made herself younger and Daniel fell for gross I was better + add me, Brianne but realize that I did marry Hot Roommate and there is no Mary Sue worse than one with the same damn name - Bri to make it less obvious + add watching Annie with your daughter one night while you are writing = Adrienne.  Thank Athena Rowan made ok sense. 

Step 7: Change your stars. Realize that you have created this kick ass person that is everything you were destined to be, that is why you made her to be with HIM. Literally be everything she is thereby slowly turning into everything you wanted to be.  Except for the archaeology degree part. You looked into that mess before. You would be poor, like Ramen noodle poor. You would not be able to take your kids, and eventually you’d miss them. You would live in scary places, places that don’t think woman should drive cars because of course you like Biblical archaeology. Let’s stick with teaching, I’m sure Daniel will find that acceptable ;).

Step 8: Go to meet your Daniel. Ya look like her. Ya act like her. Ya dress like her.  Be her. Have your picture taken with him back to back instead of the typical huggy pose even though he looks at you funny as you tell him to deal it’s a fan fic thing.  Tap your feet, hoping, praying that the pic will look good. Rush downstairs to collect your prize and there it is. The picture.  Just like you imagined it would be!! There she is, your alter ego, and there is...wait...DAMMIT!! You forgot to bring him glasses..... ARGH!!!!! 

Step 9: Let your friends go to town. They will mock, pick, tease, but whatever.  There’s you, who you have to be and then there’s her/him, who you can be in your dreams. Remember the writing thing? Keep going! Who the hell else gets to live two lives, two awesome lives. Let ‘em hate. Bitches just be jealous.  

Step 10: You got it, and Adrienne had an entire cabinet, you will know if you’ve read. If not, it’s all good. Pour a glass, sit back and relax. In front of your computer. Because that gives you a good idea for a story.  

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