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Thursday, December 27, 2012

How to Deal with a Sick Kid

How to Deal with a Sick Kid
Subtitle: Screw last days. A sick kid right before Christmas is FAR more annoying. 

Step 1: Be observant. Yes, I do understand that if you are the female and/or household head in your relationship that you are working quite hard to wrap, shop, clean, pay the bills, bake, take the kids to parties, organize your own parties, try to decorate, make sure the kids do all that cheesy shit you are expected to do for Christmas which would be possible if you  didn’t have to do the rest of that above as well, but take note that your six year old hasn’t tried to talk your ear off all morning and/or is not eating the raw dough to your Daniel Jackson cookies. SHIT! Look at that fever. 

Step 2: Call your mom. You would think that calling the doctor would be the next logical step, but it’s not. Chances are you kid in never going to get sick during doctor’s hours and the doctor on call does not know your kid or your history. That and BEFORE we decided to scream and cry and get 15 shots for a scraped knees we USED to take care of things ourselves, with stuff like chicken soup.  Call mom. Describe symptoms. Get diagnosis. Begin Treatment. Remember Treatment. After all, someone is gonna be calling you someday. 

Step 3: The bathtub. The very first thing you will want to do is to pop that kiddos into the bathtub, but, like most kids they will not want to go. Read this next conversation carefully, very carefully. It will work every time. 

Mom: Get in the tub
Kid: No, mom, I don’t WANT to get in the tub. I’m cold. 
Mom: That’s fine. How about some Tylenol. 
Kid: Ok, grape or cherry?
Mom: Nope, up the butt. 
Kid: (Already in tub) 

Step 4: Subscribe to Netflix. It’s quick, easy and can be accessed free for like 30 days. Pop on some stupid Nickelodean or Disney channel show, set your computer up on a chair in the baƱo and let them watch crap after crap while they cool down. Just keep in mind that you will probably need to be in there as well. Trying to NOT watch cheesy pre-teen drama. 
At this point I would like to mention that Netflix can be used on more than once device, i.e. your PHONE. And Netflix has a fine selection of Michael Shanks movies. Not the greatest entertainment he insists often, but he’s hot, so we overlook it. 

Step 5: Sobe or Gatoraide LIGHT. They made Pedialyte and this other trendy crap but most kids in my experience HATE it, really hate it.  And have you tried it! It is like drinking watered down syrup! It is awful. Like, it is so bad that I have a pretty good feeling that if there is a hell that the devil is sitting on his throne waiting to make you drink Pedialyte for the rest of eternity. 

Moral of the story: Don’t do this to your kids. It’s cruel. 

Step 6: The set-up. Ok, so fever has broken. Pop that little booger out nad set up camp. Surround them in pillows in the bed, offering them various stages of propped upedness so they are now calling for you every five minutes to fluff their pillow. Sobe in a cup with a straw, trust me on the straw, because without a straw and lid they cough once, and you’re right back in the tub without a fever reason. Leave a sleeve of saltines, they are gonna get hungry and really if they puke you don’t want to clean anything else up. Move that laptop to the bedroom and switch to a longer movie or something, preferably something of actual quality. Which means it was made in the 1980’s and featured Muppets. 

Step 7: Now you’ve got it. Yeah, yeah, so in all of the other prep and whatnot you forgot to take zinc, C or all of the other stuff you were supposed to take to deal with this. WHAT THE HELL!! So now, your kids are still hacking, you are now running a fever of 103 F and your house is a disaster because it is Christmas. You feel like such crap that you are actually pondering moving to Canada where germs are actually killed because there is a real winter which is completely against your character because you want to steal Michael Shanks away and go live on a beach and make him pretend to be Daniel Jackson for the rest of his life and then you can pretend....

Sorry about that....

Fever and all....

The Advil is kicking back in. 

Step 8: Daniel Jackson. When DON’T I need him, really? Ok, this time it’s because you are shivering as your body fights the fever and you would normally have Hot Roommate to take care of you but he’s dealing with the kids who have fevers again and you really want him to be dealing with the kiddos. So, the next best thing. Lie in bed, sick and alone, and pretend he is coming to check on his assistant, who he is just friends with, and you are shivering and he wants to help keep you warm...with body heat...

Wow...I really have no brain filter with a fever, do I?

Step 9: Survive. Without fail your husband will never catch this, or catch only a MILD case of this and your kids will get better and be BOUNCING off the walls whilst you are trying to figure out if your nose is still attached to your head. You can watch Zombies. Dream about Daniel. Write about Daniel. Talk to people on Skype and chat and the phone. Or you can just lay in the bathtub and prepare your eulogy. 

I think I am going to die. 
Can someone make sure people lie about me at the funeral?

Step 10: Wake up! I can breathe! My head does not hurt! I am upright! It does not hurt to stand! Happy! Joy! Woo hoo!!

Now where’d that wine go? 

Drinking, sure? 

If I am gonna feel like shit I might as well have a good reason for it! 

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