How to Go to College
Subtitle: I am not sure how we graduated. Seriously, did we even go to class??
58 days. I got nothing. No seriously, I haven't even bought those special bullets.
Step 1: Find one other insane person with whom to share this experience. Personally, I found that orientation worked pretty well for me, since I quite literally found one of the most insane people in my life right off the bat. There was something about her, locura radiating from her person, and I bounced up happily and introduced myself (i’m kinda loud, I do things like that). However, if going to cheesy mandatory orientations is not your thing, you can go to class, but we are putting that off as long as possible. You are going to need this person because when you find out that your assigned roommate is a Vala -like Space Herpes ridden whore, you’re gonna have to move in with them. Oh, and make sure they will clean up your puke. In an Easter bucket. Trust me, that’s helpful.
Step 2: Cultivate a larger group of nutjobs. You need your person, yes, but we know there is safety and power in numbers, so you need to create your group, yourself. Greek life is useless. I mean really, you invited me to this stupid party, acted like fake asses, selling yourself to me, pulling me aside and saying shit about my friends and then expect me to PAY to hang out with you. I’m poor and I’m a bitch. I think I will stay with these people. You can find these people in one of three ways:
- Kidnap them from the sidewalk because they are cute. (Hey - I got me a husband that way!)
- Join the Theatre Guild. Trust me, ALL the crazies go here.
- Roommates of the crazies. Birds of a feather shit and all.
Step 3: Learn how to drink. Seriously, this is probably the best advice that I can every give you and really should have been step one before you met your crazy because by this point you and your crazy now roommate think that Mad Dog 20/20 is proper alcohol, which it is NOT. Here, just read this and come back to me as soon as you have printed your notes: How to Drink
Step 4: Use Greek life to your advantage. Ok, so remember those yuppies bitches that made you come to their stupid make-up party? Wanted you to pay like $500 a year to hang out with them? Guess what they and their male counter-parts DO with that money. THEY BUY BOOZE AND HAVE PARTIES! AND they LET you go do even though you laughed at them for not paying to be their friends and you get to drink for FREE!!! 100% Free!!! It’s genius!!! For real, is someone telling these freshman who are having to streak through campus or drink stupid shit like they’re auditioning for Fear Factor? Wait, on second thought don’t. More free booze for nerds.
Step 5: Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. Now, here’s how dis gonna go down....and step five is da place ta put it. Haters gonna start seeing that you got the whole college package, the parties, the trips, the everything and you didn’t do anything other than find a bunch of like minded nerds and pile into Hot Roommate’s dorm. Let ‘em hate! They’re just mad that we are all here on scholarship, don’t have to pay for our friends and are on the dean’s list. Every. Damn.Semester. Let ‘em hate. You’re gonna be laughing at them in ten years.
Step 6: Oh yeah, maybe you should go to class. Dean’s list is all good and true but they are starting to catch on to the fact that you are never there but have an A average and now if you miss class they are going to fail you, A’s or not. So, here’s the plan: Take classes with your nerd friends and alternate whose turn it is to go. Monday friend 1, Wednesday friend 2, Friday friend 3, etc. It works really well, I mean, hey, you got the notes from today? What do you mean it was my turn to go? It’s YOUR turn to go? No, Jessi goes on Wednesdays. What do you mean she switched? Since when???
Step 7: Prepare for the unexpected. Because one day you will be in your dorm eating a bowl of rice from your friend’s illegal rice cooker. And you will get a call that one of your acquaintances that your friends feel the need to babysit has just left the dorm to meet up with a strange Canadian Man she met on the internet (This HAS nothing to do with Michael Shanks people, I swear, THIS is how my life plays out for REAL) who happens to be named after a famous 1950’s rock star at a local seedy hotel known for Suspicious River like activities (Ha! Got HIM in this one, I am a GODDESS). But, after you throw your pajama clad ass into your car, well your friend’s car because you refuse to let the Porn Star (yes, I had an AeroStar Van in college. We peeled off the AERO and replaced it with PORN) be involved in such insanity, you drive to the hotel to discover that they are not there, it was a ruse, so you describe her to the police, explain it is a strange internet man and then drive around campus shouting her name around like a crazy person to find she has taken him back to her room to bed him. Gross. I am going to eat my rice.
Step 8: Indoctrinate new members. Now, you are going to face some competition from the Greek life as you try to recruit freshman, so you are going to need some good selling points. Try this list:
- We are free
- We will not make you circle your fat while you stand naked and be judged
- We have older members and access to booze
- We are like the smartest kids on campus and run the tutoring center, so we have your grades covered.
- For some sick reason the profs LOVE us
- We won’t make you wear stupid shirts with letters from a semi-dead language on them.
- We are free
That should do what you need to get those new members.
Step 9: Keep in touch with these nut jobs AFTER you graduate. Yeah, we graduated, didn’t you read the subtitle? Even though they are states away and may go through some SHIT and you don’t talk for a few years and then find everyone again on FaceBook, Twitter and just because you picked up the phone. THESE are your real friends, your family, the people you were meant to find that you were brought together with under insane circumstances. Don’t forget them. Ever.
Step 10: Go to the reunion. Sit around your porch, watching your kids play, laughing about how dumb Hot Roommate was when you flirted with him, recount runs to Philly to buy cheesesteaks and stealing street cones. Because you made it this far and the best is yet to come. Spanish wine anyone?
I love you guys so much and I always will