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Monday, December 3, 2012

How to Know We Are in Our Last Days

How to Know We Are in Our Last Days
Subtitle: If you are not convinced yet, well, I should probably just leave you to the zombies. 

Miss the countdown?? It’s days now, days. I honestly cannot believe you are still playing online and not preparing. 

Sign #1: The weather. At this point I would like to remind everyone that I have a Master’s Degree in Ancient History and Culture (yes, yes, if you’re new to this crazy train you just thought well ding ding THAT explains the Daniel Jackson/Michael Shanks obsession - yes, it does, especially since I discovered who he was AFTER I got my degree and tats...). Now, we all know from the book of Revelation that shit’s gonna hit the fan and it really already has.  There have been earthquakes all over the place, snowstorms, hurricanes.  Legit, I’m waiting for the locusts. No Hot Roommate, that’s not funny. Stop throwing dead beetles at me. 

Sign #2: The Mayans. Let’s face it, everybody on the planet has been wrong in predicting crap except the Mayans. These great people are so frakkin’ smart that every single damn time they got it right. Here are some predictions that came true, including, but not limited to: 

  1. The arrival of Hernan Cortes
  2. 9/11
  3. Hitler
  4. The Black Hole in our galaxy
  5. The birth of my second child
  6. Daniel Jackson’s ascension 
  7. The cancellation of SGU
  8. The fact that Sophia would become a zombie thereby having to be killed by Rick at the end of season 2. 

You get the point. They’re some smart mothers. 

Sign #3 The Stores Know. No, I’m serious, because they’re doing little tiny things that are freaking me out. Party City in my area, for example, has “Mayan End of the World” party supplies but NO New Year’s and a limited Christmas Selection. The grocery store is stocking “End of the World Beer.” Everybody and their mama is pushing TV’s like mad, in Hot Roommate’s humble opinion so they can sell everything off, make money and buy Twinkies before the zombies come...

Sign #4 And speaking of Twinkies, Hostess went out of business. Now, my friends, we can look at this from two different angles. We can see this from two angles. One - the collapse of an American Icon and the loss of many important jobs which is not what this recovering economy needs or Two - those little rich old white men that own Hostess know. They know this is the end. They have shut down operations to hold themselves up in a bunker like area with the ingredients and recipe to make the only foodstuff to survive last days...

Sign #5 The Media knows. Ok, so not only is there a show called Doomsday Preppers (which is HILARIOUS and TERRIFYING at the same time) but the makers of this show that film and assess the preparedness of these people TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. Like 100%. And these people are not prepping for the December 21st end of the world where the zombies are coming, they each have their own take on what is going down. Here are just a few:

  • 5 category 5 tornados hitting all at once in the SAME damn place 
  • The Madrid Fault splitting the USA in half
  • Nuclear war, not with the Middle East but with RUSSIA 
  • Rise in sea level (sudden mind you, not gradual)
  • Pretty much any Michael Shanks disaster film

And show aside, the commercials are for prepping supplies - seeds, food that will survive last days, oxygen masks and they’re are serious too. 

This is the proof that Saturday Night Live sucks now. They could do an ENTIRE episode spoofing both the preppers AND the commercials. But they don’t. They do weird hipster shit that’s not funny. 

Someone call Will Ferrell 

Sign #6 Obama. I’m gonna offend people here, but please remember that I live in the South. Some people here still think there’s a war going on. On November 6th 2012 we re-elected Barack Obama as our president. This is not political. This is racial. He is a black man. We have elected a black man TWICE to lead our country. The night he won like ALL of my black friends called me and said, and I quote: 

“Bri, you better be setting up for us to come to your place on the 21st. We’ve elected a black man president. Twice. We are in our last days. You better settle up with the Lord soon.” 

I tend to listen to them. A lot. I’m a little concerned...

Sign #7 The South shall rise again! So, then, the VERY next day states starting trying to secede from the Union. South Carolina did first, of course, again, but they’re been pulling that shit since 1787 but if you want to get technical 1776 because they never wanted to be in the Union in the first place. Let them leave. I’m not sure why they are still here anyway. But rational states petitioned, like New York, citing Obama’s reelection. WTF!?!  Romney wanted to cut FEMA!!! Who is currently helping you dig out from Sandy. And furthermore, let’s put politics aside, go ahead, leave. See how much you get done without the government. We won’t let you back in. And have a good time dealing with China on your own. Except for Texas. You need to stay. You’ve got that Twinkie bunker. 

Sign #8 Towel Hoarding. If you have not read the Black Friday blog please see this: Click Here.  We went out for our innocent Black Friday shopping to get bikes and TVs and noted that almost every store had towels for sale. Thinking this to be a perfect opportunity to stock up on some home essentials we set out for the towel area, which were clearly marked on the store map which should have been a hint in and of itself, we made our way over to said bins. And they were GONE. ALL of them. At 8:07...SEVEN minutes after the start. Befuddled, we proceeded to the register, wondering how in the world we missed the memo on necessary towel looting when we caught sight of a cart with ALL of the towels. You don’t NEED that many towels!! Why do you have them!?! know about last days....

Follow him...

Sign #9 Honey Boo Boo Child. First, the fact that an overweight poorly taken care of child in her pursuit of winning contests which only live to serve to objectify women is entertaining to anyone should be indicator enough, but this poor child and her disgusting mother make more than the following necessary professions:

  1. Teachers
  2. Police Officers
  3. Doctors
  4. Fire Fighters

Secondly, and I cringe as I write this so this is all I am going to say on the topic: Fork Lift Toe. 

And if you enjoy this show, here is a link to the film Idiocracy. You need to watch it NOW. 

Sign #10 Dick Clark is NOT rocking in the New Year. He died and no jokes here, I cried. Dick Clark has been Rockin’ in our New Year’s Eves since 1974, (mine since 1980 :) ) which means that you too Mr. Canadian Hot Pants probably don’t remember a New Year’s without him! I just don’t think it is a coincidence that he died this year... I have nothing against Ryan Seacrest, I find him kind of charming, but I am incline to believe that without Dick Clark counting down we’re not going to make it that far...

See what I mean?? We only have 18 days....

I will be sending more information on Thursday. 

Honorable Mentions for Signs of Last Days: 

Michael Shanks says that Toronto winning a sports championship of any kind is a sign. (Don’t watch sports, trusting you on this one cutie)

Adriane says we are down to one Golden Girl.

Ryan says Disney owns Star Wars. 

Mary says that Pot is finally legal. 

Natalie cites the Pope is on Twitter. 

Get the idea... 

It’s ALL over...

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