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Monday, December 10, 2012

How to Survive in a Horror Movie

How to Survive in a Horror Movie
Subtitle: Since we are heading for FULL on horror movies at this point, this might extend beyond movies. 

Step 1: Your wardrobe: Never wear a red shirt. Now, I know this was a rule originated with Star Trek, but regardless, it is a good rule to follow for a few key horror movie reasons;

  1. It tends to be a color that makes it hard when you are trying to hide in the forest, stupidly, because running into THAT instead of down a well lit road was a good idea (See step 6), red is a pretty easy color to spot. May I suggest camo. 
  2. It hides the blood so you will have to stagger around dramatically post being stabbed while your idiot friends all continue to talk and you die slowly. In that case, white might be best, gets them to shut the hell up.
  3. The guy in the red shirt dies first. Unless there is a black guy, in which case, he dies first (See step 3) 

Step 2: Don’t visit a foreign country if you’re a white woman and are only taking with you ONE also white female friend. Apparently foreign wackos like cute white girls, so they will target you and chances are that I am like the only crazy white woman reading this (it counts that I am reading it as I write) that can use a variety of weaponry. My point is that two cute Caucasian coeds alone in Europe don’t go fast like red shirt dude. They get their lips sewn to each other’s butt holes (I am still not over how funny that movie really was am I?) 

Step 3: Don’t be black, unless you know you are going to die and want to go first in which case, by all means. And, as my friends have pointed out, not only will the black character die first, but if a new black character is introduced the first will be killed faster OR this one has just been introduced so the other could live longer. Honestly, I have a theory about this. I think that the reason they die first is because if Jason did his little slow walk up to a sistah, she’d beat his ass and the movie’d be over. Oh, and as my friends have pointed out, “Black folk aren’t gonna do the other stupid shit that you are listing here. The white people tend to have a death wish.” 

Step 4: Don’t go to strange houses especially if the door is answered by a strange german or otherwise accented single man, except for scary german guy, he was cool and helped you defeat Dracula (Someone PLEASE validate me and know that movie). Let’s look at this logically - would you EVER go waltzing up to a stranger’s house in your neighborhood for a cup of sugar? Ok, then why in the hell is it ok in a strange country, with eerie shit going on and you STILL go inside after the guy at the door is NOT friendly, or concerned for you and ogles you. (This is not A Human Centipede Blog I swear - see - look - I LOVE MICHAEL SHANKS - fixed it) 

Step 5: Don’t eat or drink things given to you by strange people especially after you have disregarded step 4 and have NOW decided you need to leave because then you deserve what’s coming. Seriously? You looked at your friend and said, let’s get out of here and THEN drank the water. In fact, I think once weird, unfortunate or any sort of unusual shit happens that you immediately cease and desist all eating and drinking. Hear me!?! Cease and desist. 

Step 6: Don’t go into the woods. I don’t like going into the woods during daylight hours but as I watch horror films it never ceases to amaze me how shit hits the fan and rather than stay on a well lit street these idiots (white, yes, always white) head straight for the trees. What exactly was your plan!?! Were you thinking that you would climb them? Tarzan your way out of trouble? Why are you not trying to find someone with a gun, like a cop? Evil cop following you? Fine, go to the firehouse, that water pressure can rip your face off! Just don’t go into the woods. Or you deserve what happens. 

Step 7: Don’t scream. I mean, yelling for help is fine, if there is a chance that someone that can help you will find you, but stop that constant crying or muttering “We’re gonna die,” etc. because guess what!?! If you are being chased and are sitting there talking to yourself from your shitty hiding spot, they are gonna HEAR you. And if you are the screaming chick, you are going to draw them to the group. Wait, on second thought, take that chick and throw her in the opposite direction in which you need to run, again, NOT into the woods. 

Step 8: STAY TOGETHER. For some reason together keeps you alive, supposed safety in numbers crap, even if you are surrounded by bimbos. This isn’t hard, don’t leave the group. Don’t go check out that noise, don’t go after the dumbass that went off alone already, don’t feel guilty about the screamer you shoved down to get away, just don’t leave. Do you hear that Carl? Don’t leave the group! Please my friends, Carl is a lucky booger, don’t use him as a model. He should have died a season ago. 

Step 9: Don’t try to STUDY the creature. Kill it, burn it, spread the ashes in fifty bazillion places. Don’t try to be God and figure out what made it tick, think you can save it’s soul, or any other stupid feel good idea you might have. If you are having any feelings now other than self-preservation you belong on the Hallmark Channel or in a Christmas Movie with Mr. Canadian Hot Pants (yay! got him in and it was NOT contrived) NOT in this. Not only is this a bad idea for you, you will get killed, but you have now set us up for a sequel, which means more people will die. Dumbass

Step 10: NEVER HAVE SEX - ever. It’s like a last meal in horror world and sometimes you don’t even get to finish (Too much?). Sex in a horror movie is an open invitation to have your head chopped off. But, if you’re going to do it, last days and all, then you might as well drink while you are at it. Bottom’s up! 

1 comment:

  1. .sex = bad..always! This is in point, cabin in the woods ..lordy