How to Speak American English

How to Speak American English 

Subtitle: Because the rest of the world is laughing at us for a lot of things and our butchering of common speech is one of them. Let’s try to at least ACT like we have a clue, ok? 

** See a pattern this week?? We’ll get back to steps next week, I PROMISE, and remember, my purpose here is humor, not offense. I’m sure that there is some stuff from Monday’s post that I say that makes you cringe. Carry on.**

65 days left. If it were in years it could get Social Security, but if we keep talking like this there isn’t going to be any left. 

Word 1: Bling. Definition - a crazy amount of useless flashy shit that make you look like an asshat since you insist on waving it around.  In a sentence: I be making such bank (money - see THAT makes sense since you PUT money in a BANK) that I be covered in bling. What is wrong with the word bling is that it had NOTHING to do with the jewelry and riches that it describes, but rather is more like that sound you get when you drop a quarter on the floor.  And don’t give me the if you drop gold against the jewels you get the blinging sound and that’s where in comes from because in that case I’m going to start calling vacuum cleaners VROOOMMMMSSS  or walk around making a sucking sound and deem it socially acceptable. 

Word 2: Nom, nom. Definition - either an alternate to yummy/ yum yum or an onomatopoeiaic representation of the sound a person makes when they chew which while the former makes some sense the latter is just disgusting. Close your mouth. I’d like to use this in a sentence for you, but it is only ever used alone as it is so stupid no other words will agree to stand beside it. Most frequently used on FaceBook, usually accompanied by a picture of what the person is eating, which no one really cares about unless it is an inside joke. I don’t know what else to say other than I hate this word so much that it makes me revert to my animalistic side and want to literally rip throats out the moment the syllables reach my ears. The one saving grace, if I am part of your zombie apocalypse team and get scared/freaked out all you have to do is say “nom nom.” Bitches gonna be throat-less. 

Word 3: EHMERGAHD. Definition - apparently this is some strange version of Oh My God, but in such a way that the item/thing/emotion/whatever of which you speak is just so damn amazing that you need to sound like you have a mouthful of marbles and are being punched while you say it and therefore translate the same thing into typing. Now to be honest, I have no earthy idea why this one bothers me so bad, but while it does not induce throat ripping, it does indeed give me the desire to poke out eyes. I’m a language teacher, so let’s make this simple. Seseo is the phenomenon in Spanish in which words that begin and end in similar sounds are linked to create faster speech, i.e.  Me gusta bailar can be said Megustabailar like it is one giant word. That WORKS in Spanish. NOT in English. And NOT with Oh my God. 

Word 4: Like whoa. Definition - Ok, maybe I should not have even this one because I have NO CLUE what this means. Does it mean whoa like stop, halt horsey, don’t flip me off, but not exactly due to the addition of like in the forefront. So, it’s not quite the whoa?? But then, I’ve heard people use it in sentences such as these: I need a drink like whoa. In that case, does it mean really bad? or now? Why in the hell don’t you just frakkin’ say “I need a drink” ?? Did the like whoa really add that much? No, it just made you look like an idiot. 

Word 5: Ignant. Definition - Ignorant, ergo, the entire existence of this word is one big damn oxymoron. Because when you take the time to call someone ignant, implying that they themselves are ignorant then you’re not being funny or ironic by using the word incorrectly, you just look like you cannot speak. It’s ONE syllable, you dropped ONE syllable in order to make fun of people that probably never got the opportunity in life to learn to speak properly in the first place. AND, if you ACTUALLY speak English, you will notice that Ingnant sounds kind of like Indignant, which is how I am feeling about you right now. 

Word 6: Flo. Definition - Flow, as in life going on, que sera sera (I KNOW where the accents go OK, I TEACH Spanish, I’m just too lazy to care). But really?? The entire word was F-L-O-W, why did we need to shorten this?? Sure, English itself makes no damn sense in comparison to Spanish and other Romance languages, but if you really need more characters try & for and or use an ‘. But FLO. What the hell ever. 

Word 7: Snarky. Definition - Smartassy but in a way that I think I am superior. Usually used by unfunny people to refer to themselves, which is probably why I hate the word so much other than the fact that it is completely made up.  I don’t care that it comes from British slang at the turn of the century, using it as an American makes you sound as stupid as using ‘bloody’. And it really is NOT a compliment, so when you call yourself that you are announcing “I am an ASSHOLE.” I don’t need ripped off British slang to express my bitchiness. I am a bitch. See. How hard was that? 

Word 8: Gawd. Ok, look,  I’m not even going to define this, you people know that this came up out of some idiotic notion that saying gawd instead of God was somehow going to not be breaking the third commandment, but let’s get real, isn’t God omnipotent? Can’t he know/see/feel/touch/hear/taste everything?? Ok, then if so, he KNOWS that you are breaking the third commandment with a jackhammer every time you say this. So either say GOD or drop the expression. You’re not foolin’ anyone. 

Word 9: My boo. Definition - My dear or my love. So, this word originates from the Bayou of Louisiana as a term of endearment, but guess what, unless we’re in the Big Easy, you just sound like you are speaking to a ghost. Or, this chick is really some woman who you are hittin’ it with and instead of actually calling her your girlfriend or spouse or significant other, by calling her your boo you eliminate the need to actually act like you give two shits about her. So ladies, unless your dating Gambit (PLEASE someone GET that reference- holy SHIT can we redo X-men AGAIN and have him play Gambit - NEW CALL TO ACTION - SHANKS AS AN XMAN!!!), if he calls you boo he ain’t gonna put a ring on it. 

Word 10: Amurica/Amehrca - Definition - the country in which I reside according to hicks who cannot pronounce our native language that they want to make our national language but cannot even speak correctly themselves.  Stop saying this, even in jest. It makes us sound like morons. Our country was named after famed explorer Amerigo Vespucci, and Italian man and in Italian er = air and NOT ur and there is an i in this as well, so it is Ah-mair-ee-ca  from Ah-mair-ee-go.  Anything else just sounds ignant.