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Thursday, October 4, 2012

How to Celebrity Stalk Proper

Subtitle: Lessons learned from Twitter. Greatest. Internet. Platform. Ever

78 days remain. Ya might wanna get your stalk on... 
Just a suggestion...

Step 1: Do select a proper target. Now, granted, I chose well (I mean besides the Grecian God part that proves how well I chose) and I’m not under the insane impression that I will ever run into someone as hugely famous as, let’s say, Morgan Freeman, who I think is personal friends with God. Pick a celeb based on their work, their real talents and someone worthy of your time. Or just watch Stargate and become obsessed at 30. That worked for me...

Step 2: Don’t Learn EVERYTHING about them. Now, there is a stark difference between going on IMDB and wikipedia, learning when their birthday is, cool things about their upbringing, likes and dislikes and looking up their public records. Yeah, you know who you are, I’m looking at you. Because while painting one’s fingernails blue before going to a Stargate Con because blue is Michael Shanks favorite color is 100% acceptable, knowing about a celebs financials (foreclosures), getting the home addy and agent’s email address is just creepy.  CREEPY. CREE-PEEE.

Step 3: Do stalk their twitter, website, etc. and find out where they are because these little lovelies do not use social media to talk to their friends, they use it to self-promote. I will let you digest that lest you thought otherwise. their cute little snippets about work because they tell you what they are working on which can also tell you where they are. Please do not confuse this for step 2, step 2 you are searching for creepy things, step 3 THEY are giving you this information. And sometimes they are obvious. Like “I am going to Chicago Con.” Boo-yah. 

Step 4: Do create an accidental meet-up, but I couldn’t, could I?? because you are so damn elusive like a frakkin’ cat (Lion-o, hee hee) and the only thing I COULD run into you doing I don’t because I’m a runner and I’m highly allergic and that would be so attractive going into a coughing fit and convulsing on the sidewalk.......wait....then you’d have to save me.....perform CPR....... (dashes from hotel room)

Step 5: Don’t hide in the bushes. I said accidental. The bushes are NOT accidental. Nor are they believable. Not only is there no profession in which one hangs out amongst bordering foliage, but incase you missed the box of crayons that are skin tone, not a one of them is green.  So don’t do that, you just look creepy and become twitter fodder. And you make my blog. In not a good way either.  (See Step 2 again) 

Step 6: Do follow their tour bus, innocently after the concert to see if they will happen to stop at a place for normal folks, like, well, the Waffle House (I mean really, no matter how famous you are, who in the hell does NOT love the Waffle House!?!) and just sit on down and enjoy some covered and smothereds with them. Cuz for some reason they don’t seem to mind. 

Step 7: Don’t quit you good paying job to go to one event, ONE event, that lasts only a few days on the off chance that your celebrity crush might be there, and you might be able to see them for a few seconds, only to go, have them not show up and realize as you are eating your Zombie apocalypse ramen noodles and living by candlelight you really didn’t have the nerve to speak to them anyway would you have run into them.  Ya can’t eat and you didn’t even get a hug? You my dear win a Darwin. 

Step 8: Do blog about them on the off chance that they are reading this but doing that elusive Lion-o shit and will act like they never read it while they are secretly laughing their asses off. *hopes* *prays to Athena* *does dance while sacrificing a virgin* (kidding in the last one guys, kidding) 

Step 9: Don’t get drunk. On blood wine. And challenge a beloved celeb to a wrestling match to back up the shirt that he is wearing. Mostly because he is too nice to have you arrested, but you will scar him, so much so that when he later sees some perfectly friendly Klingons hanging out on the hot tub discussing universe domination in their native language, you will frighten him and he will stop doing conventions so normal Vala-like people like me will be unable to jump him. (Just kidding - but seriously dude, let’s have a few, shall we?) 

Step 10: Do buy them a drink. Seriously, are you reading this Shanks!! I know you read the letter, now bring your ass back to Chicago because I AT LEAST owe you a drink. No kidnapping, no Vala-ing (much), I PROMISE.  And I’ll make sure it is Spanish. Because anything else is just not worthy. Of you OR me ;P 


  1. Haha...Love! And you must tell me someday about the trunk wrestling match? Lol

  2. *Prints and saves to highlight pertinent points for use in July next year* As always made me laugh out :)