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Monday, October 22, 2012

How to go to the Pumpkin Patch

How to go to the Pumpkin Patch
Subtitle: When in the hell did this become a fashion show? 

61 days left. You might want to get some extra. Punkin’s good eatin’ 

Step 1: Select a time.  Now, visiting the pumpkin patch is one of parentings most beloved traditions and a must do if you have kids under 10. However, since so many people indulge in the tradition as well, you need to realize that it will be crowded so pick a good day and time. As a Southern Atheist, I figured Sunday would be my best best because all of my fellow Bible belters are churching it up. Arrive at 10 a.m. What.The.Hell. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE HERE?? So, it’s alright to harass my child about NOT going to church and believing in God but YOU can skip your weekly cleansing to pick pumpkins. Hypocrites....

Step 2: Dress Appropriately.  This is a pumpkin patch.  That means that you park in a muddy field, walk ten thousand miles through the depths of Mordor, stand in line for hours, climb onto a dirty wagon full of hay and traipse through rows and rows of live plants. Do NOT wear heels. Or thin blouses. Or hooker boots. Or white leggings. Or jeans that don’t cover your butt and I have to stare at your crack the entire hayride (which is not cute, at all) Because not only are you going to get dirty, but I am standing here wearing my comfy jeans with my iPhone WAITING to take a picture for my blog. 

Step 3: Do NOT bring your dog. Now, I like animals as much as the next person, but this place is packed and not only does your pooch NOT know how to use the toilet but I have no idea it if’s friendly or not, what your definition of friendly is and if it has ever been around children. Oh, yeah, then it breaks away and runs off and you are acting like we should catch the damn thing. I will, too, for the dog’s sake, but for yours... I hope you fall in the mud in the pursuit. 

Step 4: Don’t forget a knife. See my friends, this is a pumpkin patch, not a pumpkin stand. These things are still attached to the vines, which are attached to the ground. Now sure, you can just pick up the pumpkin and twist, but sometimes the damn thing is stubborn and you need to reach for the vine to pull it off. That bitch is PRICKLY! Like cute you prickly! Listen to MEEE!! Find don’t, yes, yep, I hear you swearing over there. And you just dropped your pumpkin. And it busted. And shot pumpkin shit. All over your white jeans. 

Step 5: Remember, bugs like plants. Ok, so, let’s pretend for a moment that you read step four, and leaned over, cutting the stem to that biggun like you should have. Look before you lift. Not only might your prize be slightly rotted (it is LAYING on the ground) but it is a fruit. And bugs like fruit. A lot. So don’t be surprised if you pick up yo gourd from the ground and you get attacked by killer bees. Because Michael Shanks isn’t gonna be there to help you. (HA!!! LOOK!! I FIT HIM IN THIS TOO!!! I AM A MASTER!!!) 

Step 6: Practice getting your pumpkins home. Practice? What in the hell is Bri talking about? Ok, look, to make sure that they don’t have a bazillion rotting pieces of killer wasp fodder (although, if that MAKES him come, I am all for this) most patches offer an all you can carry special. Which, results in, as expected, men like Hot Roommate grunting and making other ape-like noises declaring they can carry more pumpkins than the next dad. But you NEED to READ the fine print.  Your dear knight in shining armor doesn’t just have to hold these pumpkins, he had to take THREE steps. So practice quick and careful loading (let the woman do this, just saying), the three steps and the unload. Trust me. If not, don’t come crying to me when the Incredible Hulk drops a pumpkin on your head, busting it open, all over that silk blouse. *SNAP* Yeah, I took a pic of that...

Step 7: Ya gotta eat. Pumpkins secure and wheelbarrowed to the car, you have now realized that you have been here like 12 hours and the children are whithering away in front of you while the parents that packed Oreos in their took frakkin big to be here strollers are looking at you like they are ready to call child services. So you gotta feed them, which is yet another line, stretching the length of the Nile river. Get in that line and make Hot Roommate (well, YOUR Hot Roommate, not mine, I’m the jealous type) take the kiddos to look at the fish (don’t ask) but watch out! If you are not careful about three feet from where you order you are going to discover that you are in the line for doughnuts and not hot dogs, that line was the one reaching across the galaxy. Here kids, have a doughnut or 12. No, you are not getting a hot dog, we are going to eat these doughnuts I missed my 33rd birthday to buy. And go ahead “Perfect” mom, call child services. Doughnuts never killed anyone. 

Step 8: Beware the corn maze. So maybe your significant other didn’t want to take the kiddos to look at the fishes, finding the Corn Maze instead. Ok, before we begin, let’s get something straight. It’s a MAZE. Here, in case you are unsure of what that word means, read this: See! It is MEANT to be confusing. It is NOT easy, BUT the pumpkin patch has HIRED people to watch the maze in case shit goes down.  Do NOT call 911. Yes, people have done that. Here is proof: And look, yet again, a Darwin Nominee makes the blog!!

Step 9: And the Boo House. This is NOT to be confused with that scary ass shit they do after dark. THAT we don’t take our kids to. Hell, I don’t take Hot Roommate to that; he will punch someone. (Wait! Wait! If Hot Roommate won’t go.... Shanks!!! Come to VA!! Come with me!! It will be fun!!!! Make a fan’s DREAM come true!!!) Alright, I am going to STOP dreaming about jumping into the arms of hot Canadian men and refocus. There is a kid version of the boo house. It’s like $3. Your kids will beg you to go inside. It sucks. They will complain after that it sucked. Just buy them more doughnuts. 

Step 10: Visit the Christmas shop. See! Look over there, there is a gourmet food section. Salsa, Peanut Butter, Amish Candies, Organic Jellies....Wait? Where’s the wine? The sign clearly said GOURMET which we all know is code for “Shit Ton of Alcohol with One Box of Crackers so we don’t have to call ourselves the ABC store and be closed on Sundays.” You can’t sell alcohol?? Honey. Honey. HONEY!! There is not booze babe; I am out. See if Mrs. Hooker Boots will give you a ride home, once she unsticks her heel. 

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