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Monday, October 8, 2012

How to be a Feminist

How to be a Feminist
Subtitle: There’s this clever little invention. It’s called deodorant. And, if you will recall, I have coupons. 

(On the other hand with 73 days left, you might just want to wash a little better. Save your money for that Ramen we've discussed)

Step 1: Know what you stand for.  Why are you a feminist? Do you believe that woman deserve equal rights, treatment and pay in a modern society? Hun, that doesn’t make you a feminist, that makes you human. It’s the people that believe otherwise that are not.  

Step 2: Wash. Ok, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m not (and we ALL know when I just come out with straight up bitch - this is not one of those times) but I’m seriously trying to figure out what part of standing up for women’s rights means you can’t take care of basic personal hygiene. I’m not intending to be offensive; I really want to know why you are explaining to me about woman being used as slave labor in Colombia due to our coffee consumption and it’s direct correlation with your smelling like a locker room. Feel free to comment below. 

Step 3: Uh, last I checked, cooking wasn’t a sin. Let’s lay this out for you. I am very pro-women’s rights. Hot Roommate stayed home with the kids while I pursued my career and got my Master’s. Hot Roommate will be keeping my kids while I get my PhD. However, this does not mean that I can’t cook a MEAN empanada or bake an amazing cheesecake.  I can. And this does not make me some blue dress wearing house wife. I like to cook. It’s fun.  And if you think otherwise, I’m not sharing. 

Step 4: Ok, I should clarify, shave AND wash. Believe it or not, women didn’t start shaving in order to please men, they started shaving to cut down on lice.  Yes, lice. (I’m a history teacher too, remember, I’m full of delicious little tidbits of information). And as a result of said change in hygienic habits, women discovered that shaving actually led to less sweating and smelling better overall. Not for men. For you. Do you really think that onion smell coming from your pits is pleasant?? Cuz I know if I can smell you, you most definitely can...

Step 5: Stop worrying about other people. I have met feminists that are so concerned about not looking like they need a man for one hot minute that they go out of their way to be different, stand out by dressing in the typical feminist fashion, make sure that every dinner conversation turns to the suppression of women over the centuries, and walk around trying to make sure people never see you smile. What the hell?? Wasn’t NOT worrying about others the point of this movement.  So what if someone wants to wear tight clothes, she had that right. So what if she wants to get a boob job, she had that right. Just do YOUR thing and I will do mine! Oh and I wear tight jeans. Very tight jeans. Because I like to look at my butt in them. I don’t care what the men think either. Except for Michael Shanks. I would care very much what he thought, but not in a man approving of a woman kind of way, but in a I want to use you as my personal sex slave and have you pour me wine but first I have to trap you kind of way...

Step 6: He has a penis, that does make him useful. Well, for that of course, good lord for that, but more so for heavy lifting. Look, biologically, men have more upper body strength. Don’t believe me, let’s consult science It says that biologically they are MADE to be stronger. Yes, you can lift weights and work-out, and I do, like a fiend, much to Hot Roommate’s annoyance at times, but if he is going to be stronger anyway, use him!! Yes, USE!! Men LIKE to be used. Let him open that jar for you, carry the bookcase up three flights of stairs, change that tire. Because there is no way you wanted to actually do that shit, is there? Admit it..... You would rather be blogging about how morally superior you are....

Step 7: Clean, shave, wash, wear deodorant...why am I having to be this specific??? I am all the way on step 7 and am still trying to figure out how not taking care of one’s self proves that women are better than men. What about you? I mean, I like smelling nice, it’s like aroma therapy right? Feel the mint...embrace the mint....

Step 8: Things that are not an attack on your independence. 
  1. Door openings. It’s just polite. In fact, in the south we can spot a Yankee a MILE away because they are the ass that let the door slam in your face. 
  2. Anything with the word “man” in it. We lived in a male dominated society for a long time and people just named things willy-nilly. They did NOT name them just to piss you off and we do not need to RENAME them to make you feel better, we are correcting the problem with NEW things now! Remember when you made fun of Republicans over “Freedom Fries”?? You are doing the SAME DAMN THING!!
  3. Strip clubs. Because you seem to have a major problem with woman taking off their clothes for money (and I know strippers, some of them LIKE their job) but you have no problem dashing off to a live show of Magic Mike because they someone deserve to be objectified. Either there are NO strip clubs, or you deal with both, life does not go both ways. 
  4. When your date pays for dinner. Especially when that date is male. Go back to A. It’s just nice and polite.  Sometimes I even try to buy dinner for others. If someone tries to buy you dinner, a drink (not sending you a drink in a strange bar, but while you are their together) or even a popcorn at the movie do not automatically assume they want to sleep with you. They might just be being nice.  Except for you Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. I AM trying so you just keep that in mind...

Step 9: How to avoid a relapse: A mini how to....
  1. Get up and shower every morning. It makes you smell good, brightens your day and makes you a happier person. (Which might be the source of all of this nonsense in the first place)
  2. Remember that nice does not mean condescending. Smile when people do pleasant things and by all means pay it forward. 
  3. Be who you are, even if that chic carries a coach handbag, wears high heels and have facial tattoos.  
  4. Stop reading blogs, forums, watching The View (they DO NOT represent REAL women) or doing another activity that makes you want to go and picket about something stupid when we have children starving. Wait, which bring me to step 9A. 

Step 9A: CHILDREN ARE NOT EVIL.  You, dumbass, were a child once, so stop looking at them like they should no longer exist. You don’t want to have kids, fine, but don’t look at me like there is something wrong with me because I did OR condemn the woman who choose to stay home with them. Remember the part about it being a woman’s CHOICE. My mom CHOSE to stay home with us. She is also a black belt and can whup your ass. Case closed. 

Step 10: Have a beer. Yes, a beer, all grainy and hoppy and manly and NOT organic sage infused red juice of the fuckin’ goddness. Drink a god damn cheap beer, because believe it or not, you’re no better than the rest of us...

As a REAL feminist, who believes a woman can do just as well as a man and look damn hot doing it, I approve this message. 

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