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Thursday, August 2, 2012

How to Spot Stupid

How to Spot Stupid
Subtitle: We really shouldn’t need instructions on how to do this, but I needed to amuse myself.  
Step 1:  What is stupid? Time for the teacher to play school.  I checked Wikipedia first, in the high hopes that drunk nerds had been at it this weekend, but alas they simply say “A lack of intelligence or common sense.”  Which just about does it? Ok, so lack of intelligence I am ok with because we are created as different people.  I rock at languages and math, but I can’t open a salsa jar without Hot Roommate to save my life.  That’s called diversity (oooo... I feel another post coming on...). It is the lack of common sense we shall tackle in this entry.  
Step 2:  Basic Stupid.  This is the ‘duh’ kinda stupid.  We are all guilty of this at times.  Basic stupid, for one example, is when you buy shit you can’t afford, i.e you are buying mac and cheese in a box with powdered cheese and whining about the cost of groceries and then go out and buy a Coach bag. While on the stamps.  Basic stupid is like how I have lost my running shoes somewhere and I have NO CLUE WHERE THEY ARE AND HAVE TO USE MY BACK-UP SHOES (Don’t even try to upgrade this to a higher level of stupid, I will smack you).  Basic stupid is forgivable stupid and gives us a good chuckle among friends.  Or funny things to tweet about ;-)
Step 3: Intermediate Stupid. This is the kind of stupid that does not cause you physical harm but can result in other kinds of damage to your character.  You’re intermediate stupid if you pawn your jewelry to get your man outta jail.  That’s man-needy, and stupid.  Intermediate stupid can also include doing things like driving into a concrete post while trying to navigate DC (uh, Hot Roommate) or leaping over a piece of furniture like you are a gazelle (uh, ok, me...) and having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance, or agreeing to meet a strange man you met on the internet, alone, when he comes to your college campus, with his creepy friends and you have to call in a panic one of your sane friends (the stupid nice one who will not hang up on you) who was just trying to enjoy a bowl of rice and some crappy TV... (let’s see which of my old friends remembers THAT story....).  Well, that one might be more of a step 4...
Step 4: Advanced Stupid. This is the kinda of stupid that could result in your death but unfortunately does not. Emphasis on unfortunately.  This kinda stupid we reserve for those lucky people that try to get themselves killed but it just doesn’t work. Case in point, I live in a small railroad town (Ok, close to one, does that really matter right now?).  Now, my friends, what does one do when you approach the train tracks when the cross arms are down and the lights are blinking? If you answered STOP then you are NOT Advanced Stupid.  Apparently, there are a large number of people in my town who think that driving around them crazy fast and pointing at the oncoming train is the proper course of action. This is advanced stupid and they should be squished.  But they never are... which honestly makes me think God likes to mess with smart people.
Step 5: Stupid for the Highly Gifted. It’s in this one that you die.  The Darwin awards are based around this kind of stupid.  In case you were not aware of the Darwin awards, here is a link:  . It is GREAT fun and a nice way to feel evolutionarily superior in comparison to our fellow humans.  Stupid for the highly gifted is also the kind of stupid that frequently makes the news.  I don’t know about you guys, but my local news has a story almost every night about someone dying because they were doing something they just plain should not have even tried: climbing a construction crane drunk, running across the interstate, deciding to have a reality TV moment with your baby-daddy other baby-mama.  Now, I am not saying that death is funny, what I am saying is that if the company you keep engages in situations in which one may die, this is a special kind of stupid and should be avoided.  You need to get better friends. 
Step 6: Dealing with Stupid. Now, I would first like to refer you to a previous post, 5/7/12, which if you all will recall was based on not beating the living crap out of somebody. That is the first thing you need to remember because we like to stay out of jail. (Unless of course it is Canadian jail because we threw ourselves at Michael Shanks - THAT would be totally worth it!). Honestly there are two ways to handle stupid a) “Ignore” it (and by ignore it, I mean log it into your memory bank for later blogs) and b) use it.  Now, I could waste space telling you how to ignore stupid, which in short involves you imagining all stupid people are jesters there for your entertainment as you rule the country with an Iron Fist (I seem to have a thing with power, don’t I?) but, I won’t. Just keep going and don’t get depressed just yet and turn to the wine. 
Step 7: Using Stupid. This is my favorite past-time.  The best part about stupid people is the fact that they will fall for anything. Anything.  We can use the stupid dishonestly (i.e. slipping in coupons for $1 off of 2 when you are getting the 2 on buy one get one free) or fast talking the police that stop you for a speeding ticket (crying, ranting about your children, your mother, how some guy in a truck flew buy you and just totally confusing them) or just plain getting other people to do your work for you (i.e. claiming that even though you have a REAL master’s degree and not one of those fake ones, you cannot figure out how to fill out a simple form).  If we’ve gotta live with it then we might as well take advantage of it, right? 
Step 8: Stupid and it’s place in Sarcasm. Now, for those of you who are just annoyed by stupid, see it as an “impediment” to life, I would like to note the beneficial correlation between stupid and sarcasm. First, and obviously, stupid people generally do not understand sarcasm, and watching them try figure out what you really meant or laughing at the wrong time because they didn’t get it in and of itself is amusing. But however, we all forget that without stupid people we wouldn't have inspiration for sarcasm in the first place, right? Personally, I just carry around my iPhone and keep a voice memo ongoing for when I get stupid people inspiration.
Step 9: Hope for the future. There’s none.  Between the government (I mean, come on, regardless of how you vote do any of you have any idea what in the hell either political party here in the US really stands for anymore?) and the entire state of New Jersey (At least according to TV - But come on - my sister-in-law comes from there and she is the nicest person ever, so TV can’t be right, can they!? Please say no...) and the fact that bureaucrats have taken over our schools (Both at home and abroad) to the point where teachers (Who, guess what? actually KNOW what they are doing) are not allowed to teach anymore, we’re kinda screwed.  Unless, you know, we start that Revolution thingy I talked about some posts ago.  If not, I suggest you watch the film Idiocracy to prepare yourself.  Oh and try to buy Detroit. I keep looking for it to go up for sale on Ebay so my friends and I can buy it and create our own country ;p where stupid people are only allowed in for entertainment purposes. 
Step 10: Drink wine (Spanish of course).  Because in general, people are just freakin STUPID.  It’s just better to stay slightly buzzed. Dull the pain, ya know? 
Blog Bonus!! 
Dialog of stupid.... this edition brought to you by HardCore Pawn
Dialog 1: 
“I didn’t get no gold card!!” - customer
“Yes you did” - Ashley
“No I didn’t” - customer
“Yes you did” - Ashley
“No I didn’t” - customer
“Yes you did” - Ashley
“No I didn’t” - customer
Mature huh? 
Dialog 2: 
“Ma’am, we don’t buy printers out of the box.” - employee
“Well, ya gonna buy this printer!!” - customer
“Ma’am, it is policy, we can’t buy it.” - employee
“What, you don’t think it works?” - customer
Man signaling security as women rants incoherently. 
“Who you callin’!?! Who you callin’!?! I don’t care who you call; you can call him, you can call the president!” - customer
Because Obama doesn’t have enough to do...
Dialog 3
“I came to the pawn shop because I got divorced and I pawned my wedding ring.” - customer
“What brings you in today?” - employee
“Well, I need to get it out of pawn because I don’t want to lose my wedding ring.” - customer
“And I need to pee” - customer
“Ma’am we don’t have a public bathroom.” - employee
“What you mean we don’t have a public bathroom?? Imma gonna cop a squat outside!!”  - customer

I hope you have enjoyed this edition of REALLY THIS IS WHAT AMERICAN TV IS?!?!?!

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