How to throw a Bachelorette Party
Subtitle: She does have to make it to the wedding. Physically and Morally. Try to keep it classy.
Step 1: Know your bride. There is a good amount of background information you will need on the woman of the hour and her hubby to be so that everyone will have a good time and no one will end up in jail or with a FaceBook status as single on Monday. (Because we all know that posting your status on FaceBook is the first freaking thing people do the second they split, ugh). Make sure to plan based on this knowledge. If you do not know the bride well enough to make wise decisions then you shouldn’t be throwing the party.
Step 2: Book a hotel room. First, you don’t wanna clean up very much, especially if anyone gets sick. Second, your significant other is not there. If you want some crazy shenanigans going down, it is best that your own better half is not involved. Not that I wanted to do some crazy things or anything, but Hot Roommate would have sat there and laughed at me and told embarrassing stories on me (like the damn Bride did anyway; there is officially NO ONE in the Ashland area that does NOT know I am in love with Michael Shanks- thanks Caitlynn). Third, everyone can crash there. Which is not funny, it’s just safe.
Step 3: Keep the bride away until you are ready. I suggest booking her a massage. That way, no matter how bad her week has been leading up to said party, she arrives all relaxed and ready to go. But get a long massage, a good long massage. Because streamers are a B*$CH to hang up in a hotel room with no ladder (so it takes FOREVER) and CLOSE the blinds lest creepy old men peep in the front windows as you hang up streamers wearing yoga pants. Yuck. It happened. I feel violated.
Step 4: Have an opening activity. Chances are that none of these people know each other, so have a cute little opener that involves the bride. We did wine goblets with little adjective stickers that the bride chose a few days before without knowing why. Then I got to hand out the cups and let everyone know what she thought of them. Awkward. Especially when she gave the preacher “naughty”. Yes. We had a preacher there. She was cool.
Step 5: Book a party within a party. By this, I mean something like 31, Scentsy, Mary Kay, Party Lite or other things. This will take care of two things. One, it takes up some time as the evening gets later and the city gets wilder. Two, no gifts to worry about for the bride, because the bride goes in last and finds out how much free stuff she gets (not just hostess credit but also money everyone kicked in while they placed their order). Just watch how much wine you serve at the party because the bride will have fun. And tell tales on you. And a few glasses of wine in, you are a crappy liar.
Step 6: Wine tasting. Forget strippers, that costs a lot and are not as hot as Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike (or Michael Shanks.....make me MELT). A wine tasting is classy, fun and tasty. Rent a small local shop (I recommend the Caboose in Ashland) and have the owner pick out some wines that NEVER would EVER be sold at the grocery store OR the gas station. So no Moscato. And try not to drink too much before you go because the guy probably has interesting things to say. And you are paying him to say them.
Step 7: Desserts. Sure, you can bring food and you probably will want food at your *cough* candle partly, but we woman only really want two things in life: Chocolate and Cheesecake. Take note gentlemen, these two things can make for a better marriage. Chocolate and Cheesecake. What better way to enjoy all of the wine you bought at the shop after your tasting than to nibble some New York style cheesecake and chocolate mousse. And no, I don’t care about the calories right now. Throwing parties for your friends burns calories. And I can run extra tomorrow.
Step 8: Games. No, I am not 12. Yes, games are fun, and I am not talking about beer pong either, that’s for frat boys. I’m talking about Apples to Apples (which I went out and bought myself so you people can get me something else for my birthday - how about a kiss from “You Know Who....”). Because nothing is more hysterical than a group of giddy woman, wine, cheesecake and Apples to Apples. You have no idea what will come out of their mouths, no matter how twisted or offensive. Oh, and these ladies never forget. Let’s just say it quickly turned into “Let’s harass Bri about being a fan girl” festival. Sigh. Oh! And throwing the “In a Coma” card proves you are watching it too!!! So there!!
Step 9: Get these b$*ches out of here or to bed. Really, if you are sober you need to help me clean up or leave and get the drunks to bed. Yes, I am serious and it is 2 a.m. and I have been up since 6 because I ran a race this morning. I know, I know, bad planning, just be careful with those streamers, don’t rip the paint off the walls. The bride? The bride is relaxing and reading, leave her be. She deserves this.
Step 10: Wine? Are you kidding me?? I have had so much wine tonight that I will be running at least 1000 extra miles this week and I am not sure if my blood is blood anymore. Oh, but there is that box out there on the table, of tasting leftovers..... I just gotta run to my car for a sec.... I’ll be right back.....
*** On a side note, Happy 9th Anniversary to Hot Roommate: I couldn't do any of this without out ***