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Thursday, August 30, 2012

How to Get a Tattoo

How to Get a Tattoo

Subtitle: Because I keep getting asked if it hurts like I am the gosh darn expert on it. I only have what, 4, 5, 6, dammit, never mind. 

Step 1: Choose your design.  Of all of the steps this very well may be the most important.  In case you didn’t know, this will be with you for the REST of your life.  Oh, wait, did you just ask about tattoo removal? Hang on a sec.... Here, read this:  You still have the mess there and it looks worse, like a burn, so pick a good design.  Here is a short chart of some things that you should never get.  

Type of Tattoo
Why you should NEVER get it??
Name of a man/woman
Besides the fact nothing in this life is guaranteed, I would just like to refer you to my posting on: MAN NEEDY. Read this pronto. 
Chinese Characters
Because they NEVER mean what you think. And my Chinese friends are laughing at you and translating for me.  
Naked folks
I shouldn’t not have to explain this but, well, ewww. 

Anything on your face
A friend told me about bubbles on cheeks.  I have  even heard of tears. Let’ s forget for a moment that you have to hold down a job but did we forget THIS SHIZNIT HURTS!!! It’s your FACE!!

Swear Words
Unless they are in Spanish. In that case I approve.  

Step 2: Find an artist. Note the use of the word ARTIST. Do not just walk into a parlor and strip to your skivvies (Although that would be hysterical) and point your butt at the first punky person you see (she might be the receptionist). Ask friends, go online and find someone that specializes in your design, because believe it or not artists have specialities.  Seriously, you don’t want the graffiti guy drawing flowers on your back or the woman that specialized in line work doing a large Sci-Fi fill-in piece.  Bring a picture and have them sketch it free hand to see how they do. Then decide.  I’ll repeat: It’s PERMANENT. 

Step 3: Price your ink.  Once you have found a few artists you need to ask for estimates.  They will give them to you if they are legit.  I’ll wait a moment for you to ask.  Yeah, they just said that.  Yep, it costs more than your Playstation. Did you think it was free?  Let’s put it in perspective: Would you WANT to only pay $20 for something that is carved into your body till the end of time? Thought so. Pay up or save up. I’ve got some tips for that too.  

Step 4: Save your pennies.  Now that you have determined that your giant Iron Man back tattoo (which is not intended to be mockery, Iron Man is cool)  OR your full head tribal tat (thank you Corin!!) You might need to find an outlet for extra cash, mowing lawns, making YouTube videos, selling meth (that is a Breaking Bad joke people, don’t start messaging me). Me?? I tutor and translate for tattoo money.  For real. I’ve got it down to a science that 3-4 tutoring appointments OR 1-2 pages of translation = 1 tattoo.  That way, Hot Roommate does not kill me for wasting money.  And I’m still doing a good deed. Moral superiority and all. 

Step 5: Find a friend.  Honey, I ain’t gonna lie to hurts.  A lot. A whole lot. I have a crazy high thresh hold for pain and I still like someone there holding my hand so I can cut off the circulation to their fingers while a almost total stranger pulls a tiny needle across my flesh. (And yet, I really love this experience). This friend also needs to be someone that can tolerate blood well.  Ergo, I do not take Hot Roommate, because for some reason he watched my doc cut my gut open and remove our children but cringes when the tattoo artist wipes away the blood while they work.  Because that makes sense honey...

Step 6: Think happy thoughts.  Do not think about the tattoo.  Think about things that make you smile.  Think about...Michael Shanks.... yummy.... as Daniel descended (we fangirls know how THOSE episodes went, don’t we??) Daniel all Charlie that tux.... OW!! Watch that needle!! I was daydreaming.  Not a Shanks fan?? The Fashionista in Training always says “Just think about bunnies.” That’ll work too. 

Step 7:  Tip your artist.  Now, normally, tipping annoys the living SNOT out of me because I am paying your extra for doing your job and your job is not a service job like a waitress, you just handed me a freakin’ premade bagel, but in this case, you’re preparing for your second tattoo.  Yes, your second. They are addictive. Veeeeeery addictive.  Remember I said I tutor for tattoo money? I tutor a lot, always for the next tat. So, you really don’t want to piss off the person that is going to carve with ink into your skin or one of their friends.  That could be messy and, well, painful. 

Step 8: Soak your tattoo.  I am serious, though this may prove difficult if you got something done on the inside of your ear (although I would love to see that) or your arm pit (but I guess a bath would do), but this totally works.  Helps with healing, scabbing (did I forget to mention that. Yeah, it scabs, you bled remember?) and retaining the color (no, this is not a sharpie marker tat like middle school). Just plain old hot water.  Don’t buy the gimmicky stuff. If you are being sold the gimmicky stuff, you are probably getting  a tattoo at the shop in the mall. Which I should have nixed in step 1. No one should get inked near a food court. 

Step 9: Show your tat with pride.  Of COURSE you should post every picture known to man on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Tumblr (am I forgetting any social media here??), no matter where the tattoo is, even if it is in your butt crack. (Hope you know I am being sarcastic).  But in all seriousness, show it off and be proud. And for those who will say “What’s it going to look like when you are old?” you need to respond with “I will be the grandma/grandpa the other old farts will be scared of at the nursing home. In yo face!!” 

Step 10: Bottom’s up. Woah there shug, take it easy...didn’t you ever listen in school? Alcohol thins the blood, did you hear me? It thins the...see...dammit, I told you. Now you gotta change the bandage. Oh no, don’t stop by all means, you might as well just keep going at this point.  Cheer’s and it had better be Spanish...

1 comment:

  1. I'm grinning like a loon, but yet, flinching at the same time. Have absolute no intention of EVER getting a tattoo (needle phobia) but thoroughly enjoyed you step by step explanation.