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Thursday, August 9, 2012

How to be a Redneck


How to be a Redneck 

Subtitle: A Primer for those of us who are members of the Upper Middle Class. To not follow these rules makes you a Fake Yuppie Redneck. And EVERYBODY is making fun of them.....
Step 1: Move to a rural area. By rural, I mean, the country. The real country.  If you can make it to a 711 in less than 15 minutes, you’re not in the country.  If you have the option of any television that does not involve rabbit ears or a gigantic satellite dish, you’re not in the country.  If there is not a chance that you will be late to work because of the tractor, you’re not in the country.  Oh, and if the place you life has an entrance sign and a proper name, rather than a brown private road sign with the last name of one of  the three families that dominate the area  :-) (LOVE YOU GUYS) then you’re not in the country.  Move to the country. 
Step 2: Buy a truck. A real truck.  If it has the word hybrid anywhere in it’s title, it’s not a truck.  Your truck needs to weigh at least 1/2 a ton (sorry, no idea of this metric friends) sit up high enough where you actually have to climb to get into it and either come pre-dinged up OR be the kind of truck that you are not afraid to ding.  You need all of this horsepower and size because you are going to be hauling critters (yeah, critters, you will need to start learning these words), taking your trash to the dump (no garbage pick-up out here, unless you are one of THOSE people) and picking up mulch (because we do our own landscaping).  Oh, and your wife likes them. She looks hot in a big truck. And we like it when the wife is happy. 
Step 3: Buy a gun. Now, before you go getting your panties in a twist, you NEED a gun.  Remember my country livin’ entry? Well, thems critters got the rabies and when they waltz their happy asses onto your porch like they own the place you will need to blast them off of the planet.  I am not advocating killing innocent creatures, but remember that there is no cure for the rabies and these critters will bite you.  So, you need a gun. And not a pansy gun either.  You need a GUN, a REAL gun....
THIS is a gun: 
(Link if pic does not work: CLICK HERE)
This is NOT a gun: 

 (Link if picture is busted - scroll down : CLICK HERE
Honestly,  the fact someone made a pink gun like we needed it all pretty-fied is just damn outright insulting.  Buy a real gun. Go to Green Top. 
Step 4: Get a hunting license. And a fishing license.  In the country, we rednecks hunt.  Now, fake rednecks hunt for fun.  They spend crazy amounts of money on supplies and tree tents and decoys, so much so that real rednecks, who just tote a igloo cooler of beer into the woods and wait, die laughing at them.  Then, these impostors kill the animal, get there picture taken with it and stuff it.  Yes, my real redneck friends, they don’t even EAT IT! What a waste!! That’s good eatin’.  Nothing better than deer jerky or a good venison rump roast.  You will need to get this license(s) to stock your fridge with your winter meat.  Because only yuppies don’t keep venison in the freezer.  Haha, even me. I usually have at LEAST one package of it. No joke. 
Step 5: Invest in duct tape. Duct tape can fix anything and is socially acceptable in any situation.  Broken pipe under the house (yes, we fix those ourselves), duct tape.  Dog pen falling apart (yes, we keep outdoor dogs, not because we are animal abusers, but because WE are the ones caring enough to take in the ANIMALS you think it is cute to release like ‘Born Free’), duct tape.  Bumper falling off your truck cuz you got the urge to take that baby through a stroll in the mud (Think you’ll never get the urge. You will.  Unless you didn’t listen to me and bought one of those stupid trucks that you’re afraid to get dirty), duct tape. It is the most versatile tool that you will have in your arsenal and it even comes in cute colors now: http://www.duckbrand.com/Products/duck-tape.aspx
Oh! by the way.  Anyone make these? I would like a cute duck tape wallet.  Neon pink or yellow.  Thanks! 
Step 6: Embrace redneck culture. Listen to country music.  But to be REAL country, you have to listen enough to know the words and sing along. Start buying clothing in camo or blaze orange.  But it doesn’t count as Redneck if you keep it neat and tidy and hole free.  Or if it ever goes to the dry cleaners.  In Redneck, dry cleaning means you shook it out on the porch.  Spend time at the local Fasmart. See, OUR Fasmarts have little “cafes” but it is really a place where you grab a big ole canned sweet tea and a corn dog and talk about how little rain we’ve gotten this year.  Gotta try that one too.  And use the word ya’ll. A lot.  Honestly, you might think it’s silly but it is hand to God one of the most used words in my entire vocabulary, no matter how much I try to cover up my redneckedness.  Ya’ll know what I mean?
Step 7: Do everything slow. While we are embracing the redneck culture, you need to realize that you have to slow things down.  Everything.  Your speech, your movement, your driving.  Slow down everything.  Walking across your living room should take a full five minutes, not counting if you stop to ponder whether or not you want a Bud or a Coors one you make it to the kitchen.  Checking out at the grocery store should take at least 15 minutes for every twenty or so items as you pull each of them from the cart and discuss with the cashier why you got it, how good the price was and how you don’t understand those organic food eating yuppies. However, I caution you, this slo-mo way of life does not mean the rednecks are dumber. At all.  They just like to take their time to smell the roses so to speak.  You’d better not call them dumb, especially because they create the food supply.  Yeah, that’s how science works, they grow the food.  We should be nice and patient for the people that grow the food. 
Step 8: Buy a boat.  If you have a boat it must go in the water. Not in your driveway. Because that makes you look like an asshat. A fake wannabe move back to the city because you look so stupid out there moving that dumb thing around that other people that live near me ask if you are as snotty as you appear and I have to answer yes and pray everyday that you will be surrounded by coyotes over by your precious matching shed and they will keep you trapped until you dehydrate and start seeing signs from the heavens that you need to move.  Oh yeah, and your house looks like a funeral home.  You know, if you just USED the boat, even if you aren’t fishing, just docked it at the Lake that is NEARBY, I might not think you were such a moron.  But alas, there will always be phonies.  You are one of them...
Step 9: Refer to anyone in your former life as a Damn Yankee. Even if they are not.  We Southerners are still fighting the war and fighting it hard (Don’t get mad guys, you know it’s true.... even though we are WELL over the slavery thing and to be honest have embraced African American culture.... we’re still kinda peeved they came down and kicked our butts...and it doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon...). And you’ve gotta make sure that you are saying it right, it is NOT pronounced Damn Yankee, it is more like dAmn (strong ‘a’ like when a baby goes WAAAA) Yan-kay (where the ‘ee” is more of an ‘a’) and it needs to be one word, muttered under your breath “dAmnYankay.”  Try it a few times.  There you go! You got it! It really does complete the transformation... funniest moment of my life when I first heard Hot Roommate refer to someone else as a “dAmnYankay.” It was so funny I wanted to make it my ringtone, but he won’t let me record it.  Asshat.
Step 10: Forget the wine drink the shine! (OMA - I just invented a NEW bumper sticker- get it made people get on it!). Remember that drinking moonshine not only tastes great but supports a local business and before we became a redneck remember we were all about supporting local business. (And actually, rednecks are AMAZINGLY supportive of local business - we buy from veggie stands people and NOT Whole Foods!). You need to fully support moonshine and those wonderful runners that bring it to us like its smack dab in the middle of prohibition.  See how fun the whole culture is! Ok Mr. Shanks, I hope to Athena your PR person directs you to this one.  You are cordially invited to the country to enjoy some moonshine and get cultured, southern style.  It’ll be a blast. I promise.  If not, well, the moonshine can fix that too.  

1 comment:

  1. I've emailed the link to this to my cousins in Georgia :)

    (Aka SG1Danny on Twitter)

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