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Monday, August 6, 2012

How to Know When You are Old


How to Know When You are Old
Subtitle: This is an advanced warning system so it doesn’t bite you in the ass.  Like when you are trying to buy that red Porche that is WAY out of your budget or hit on the cute college guys at the Chili’s.  Yeah, lets avoid that, shall we? 
Indicator 1: It’s Friday.  You’re out of milk.  You cannot wait. You drive to the grocery store only to have to dodge 6 or 8 trucks full of teens hanging out in the parking lot.  Your first thought - their loud yelling is obnoxious.  Your second thought - they should really kill the engine, it’s a waste of gas.  Your third thought - Five years ago a beer would have done just fine in place of the milk.  
Indicator 2: You meet up with an old college buddy for dinner.  Two hot girls (or guys) walk by.  You both look and then look back at each other. You smile at your friend and ask “So, what’s your insurance deductible?” 
Indicator 3: Go out for drinks with your significant other.  Order a margarita with dinner, but order only one once you find out it is A) more expensive than your meal and B)it is more economical to just BUY margarita at the liquor store.  Still gag over check total when it comes and vow to only ever drink in a restaurant it if is Happy Hour. 
Indicator 4: At the mall with your girlfriends.  Walk by store window where a group of college aged girls are squealing over a neon orange shirt that is practically see through with a neon yellow bra worn under it.  Casually, you waltz over like you are interested and look at the tag. $69.50.  Hell no for two reasons.  One, you no longer care about fashion trends, at this point you buy what ever fits and/or two, you are only buying things from whatever store will give you a coupon.  Which is why I have so many cute clothes from Express. They are cheap and make it look like I care.  (Damn - I am such a liar on this step LOL)
Indicator 5: You get in the car to head to the local theme park only to momentarily panic because you cannot find you sunglasses. Because, you see, now that you are old, you wear sunglasses because you need them and not to look cool. And because there is no way in hell you can see the road to drive without them. Wait a damn second kids, do you want to die? Didn’t think so. There, they are, let’s get going. 
Indicator 6: Now, while we are at the theme park, let’s talk about tanning, because if you’re old (here’s a freebie indicator) you don’t have time to jaunt to the beach every weekend unless you live there, so you think taking your kids to the theme park becomes your tanning bed because A) there is no one to watch your kids while you tan and those “nice” ladies at the tanning salon do not let you bring them in with you B)tanning costs money and the theme park is free and C) you are worried about skin cancer and for some reason “accidentally” getting a tan doesn’t count.  
Indicator 7: Still at the theme park. Anyone figured out that King’s Dominion makes me feel like a dinosaur? And yet I keep going back.  So, let’s venture to the line of the highest coaster at the park, the Intimidator and get excited that they have child swap. (That’s when your kids go through the line with you and one parent rides and takes them when they get back so second parent can ride). Get excited!! Old.  Then, get into line and realize you can ride together (yay) because you taught a kid in the line who said they will watch the kids. Older. Ride said ride and get out of car, staggering because of the G-force. Oldest.  
Indicator 8: You start to appreciate people’s hotness based on their brains. Turn on the TV. See hot guys on TV.  Girlfriends over at house drooling.  You roll your eyes. They ask who do YOU think is hot.  You pull up Daniel Jackson on your computer.  Because he wears glasses. Speaks 23 languages. Is intelligent and sensitive. And the hot actor that plays him almost always plays smart men.  THAT is hot.  Guess what? You’re old.  
Indicator 9: You ask the same girlfriends to leave when Sookie is over at 10 because you are tired and have to get up early.  Nuff said.  
Indicator 10: Wine, and actually alcohol consumption in general, becomes about quality and not quantity.  Most of the wine you start to buy can no longer be purchased at the grocery store, instead has to be purchased at the boutique wine shop in town.  And it has funny names you cannot pronounce, so you get to know that wine shop owner and have him keep the list for you.  Because you’re old, and old people cannot remember anything. 

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