How to Give the Perfect Gift
Subtitle: I don’t believe in serious gifts. Serious gifts suck. Life’s too short to be serious. About nearly everything. Trust me.
Step 1: Know your recipient. What are their likes and dislikes? What makes them tick? Or, more importantly, what pisses them off? Drives them insane? Makes them batty? Forget what they want for their special day, we are trying to mess with them. Because everyone else is going the sweet and sentimental route. You want to be remembered. This will get you remembered. Trust me.
Step 2: Shop in unconventional places. It is important to know that you will never find a gift that is worth a darn at the mall. Even at those gag stores like Spencer’s because gag stores have pre-empted this attack and really only have one type of gag gift, dirty. Not that we have a problem with dirty, as long as it is used in the correct context mind you, otherwise they make about as much sense as fart jokes for adults. No, you my friend, need something better, something smarter. Remember, we are a superior human.
Step 3: Avoid store assistance and displays. As well meaning as the nice shop-keep might be, they are knowledgeable about one thing and one thing alone, making money. AND they will try to sell you what is popular, which of course we never want to buy, unless it is ironic. Like buying a Pillow Pet for an Insomniac that hates children. That’s ironic. Just take your little list for #1 and start digging.
Step 4: Think outside the box and create a story. Ok, so there is nothing at the bizarre for your friend and you are thinking of going to buy a gift card? What kind of friend are you? It’s not that hard to take whatever you can get your hands on and make it stretch. Case in point, let’s say your aunt is getting married and is marrying a real idiot. A colossal why the hell do I have to witness this wedding kind of idiot. What do you get them?? Easy, a small tree with a cute little note that reads: May this tree grow as you loves does. Translation: You won’t water this, so I hope that your marriage dies faster than the poor tree. See, you look cool and you got your point across.
Step 5: The side gifts. Yes, I am one of those people that believes that side gifts are essential. A side gift is a small trinket type item that can enhance the joke or are just an essential part of the joke itself. Candy is always good for this and cool stores like “World of Mirth” at Carytown in Richmond, VA, have the best gag gums and candies and general silliness. Here is a link to a few: World of Mirth Website
I like the Squirrel underpants. Something about them just makes me giggle.
Step 6: The card. Now, I know that FaceBook has completely eliminated the need, well, the human courtesy of sending a card in the mail (Yes, I’m guilty too ok....) but you HAVE to get the perfect card to compliment the perfect gift. Again be creative here. It does not have to be pre-made based on your occasion. Imma let you in on a secret that only Saving Hope fans will get. I am writing a thank you letter to Shanks. I am going to put it in a card. A get well soon card..... get it? See... clever.
Step 7: The wrapping. Please, please, please, por favor, S'il vous plaît, Bitte, Quing don’t buy a gift bag. That is SOOOO lazy and cliche. I mean, for a kid’s birthday party, sure, but for a friend or a loved one, you have got to go over the top. Put the gift in seven layers of oddly shaped boxes so that the recipient has NO IDEA what in the heck it is. Or, wrap it in newspaper, because then they get all worried about what it is because you spent so little on wrapping paper. Wrap it like a piñata and then make it have a candy hole that you fill that does not really lead to the gift but instead to another box. Why all the trouble? I’m a sadist, plain and simple.
Step 8: The presentation. Let’s face it, why in the heck go to all of this trouble if no one is going to see it. Make sure that even if you are not at an occasion like a party, or a dinner, or a holiday gathering that you have an audience for your little scheme, one that can enjoy, appreciate and make fun of the gift itself. Unless you might lose your job. Yeah, you know about those kinds of gifts. Keep those at home. Giving it is enough.
Step 9: No re-gifting. Ever. Look, not only is re-gifting tacky as all hell, but unless you are the type of person that never forgets anything (which if so, can you call me because I lose my keys and phone at LEAST 8 times a day) OR are the type of person that keeps lists of things like this, you will screw this up. And the regift is never funny. Usually you are re-gifting because the present itself was so generic and “not you” that you really think passing it on to the next person is going to make this better?? It’s not. Be original. Go back to step 1.
Step 10: Rewards. Yay! You did it! Welcome to the wide world of sarcastic gift giving. In case I forgot to mention though, once you have done it, the stakes only get higher and higher and people expect this kind of gift from you. So, for now, get a glass and start brainstorming. I find I get quite inspired with a glass of Pinot Noir.