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Thursday, September 27, 2012

How to Spend your Money

How to Spend your Money
Subtitle: Is you frugal or just a cheapskate? Here’s a hint: If there is a reality show about you storing mustard, you’re the latter.  

85 days. What more can I say?? 

Step 1:  Have a legitimate source of income. This should not be the stamps. (See Food Stamp Entry ). Nor should you be doing any of the below other unacceptable sources of income, such as, but not limited to: hookin’ (for you non-Southerners that be prostitution), drug slinging, puppy mills (especially offensive if you breed anything that’s a  fake designer dog but it’s really just a mutt you jackass and it’s name ends in ‘poo’), stealin’ from yo kids in any way shape or form, begging on the street while you are obviously overweight, wearing a NEW Ralph Lauren shit and sitting in a fancy chair or selling your baby, anybodies baby. Period. Don’t sell your baby. 

Step 2: Make a budget. Wait, did you just ask me what a budget was? *Facepalm* A budget, according to Wikipedia (which I am STILL altering while drunk, please note the irony): “A budget (from old French baguette, purse) is a financial plan and a list of all planned expenses and revenues.’ Or in layman’s terms it’s a list of shit you have to pay BEFORE you drive 14 hours to meet Michael Shanks and then get home and are unable to pay your electric bill.... ok, I exaggerate, but yeah, let’s just say a new budget was September’s FIRST order of business. Damn expensive Hot Pants. 

Step 3: Save. Like really save. Not that Bank of America crap where if you spend $1.99 they put a penny in your savings account like in an economy where gas costs more than a boob job that would ever help kind of savings, but real savings.  You can set it up auto, you can drive to the bank, you can put it in jars in the back yard, but just hide it from yourself. Because if you don’t you end up sneaking a hundred year old Victorian couch into your house. Or an Egyptian poof. Both of which do not match Greek decor.  

Step 4: Coupons. Yes, you heard me, coupons. Now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret that you may never wanted to know. I wear Victoria’s Secret underwear. And I have never paid for a pair. Ever. Ever. Ever.  Because I sign up for every last internet deal, mailing list, free offer, FaceBook group, trashcan digging club for sunday inserts, etc. to get coupons and then bought a binder and some baseball card holders, organized them and sorted by category. Yeah yeah, make fun. I don’t pay for deodorant either. Or toothpaste. And I still avoid being on the stamps. 

Step 5:  NOT with a coupon. Now, while the above step condoned couponing in almost every form, here is a small chart describing situation in which one should NEVER use a coupon. 

Coupon No-No
Why the heck not? 
A Date - esp a FIRST date
Because really, you look like a cheapskate. Women know that you are not Michael Shanks (sadly, damn you lucky Lexa) and you will never be, so we are watching your wallet.  Please flash appropriately. 
The doctor
Go ahead and laugh but you think these don’t exist? They do. They are in the back of the yellow pages. Hot Roommate found them and tried to convince me it was like free underwear. Uh, no
The adult store
Although I am starting to re-evaluate this, because with the internet and private home parties, if you have the guts to not only GO to one of these shops and then pull out a coupon, dude, go for it. 

Step 6:  Make a list. Check it twice. No seriously, because not only do you buy extra razors, well get them free but you get my point, every single week only to arrive home and figure out that you are really out of coffee creamer and you cannot survive without coffee!!! Or, you don’t make a list and walk through the Walmart, see every child you have taught for the past five years, chat, toss some items in the cart, agree to buy your kids sugar cereal even though school hypes them up enough naturally only to get your cart to the front and realize that you tossed in True Blood season 4 with your groceries to the tune of $50. Hot Roommate is already mad about how expensive your fan girl obsession is.  Put the DVD back. Very. Slowly. 

Step 7: Send the right person, or at least the right information.  I have a friend that once sent her husband with a piece of the tampon box to buy her tampons so he’d get the correct one. Gross you say? I say SHEER genius! But be careful, because there is always that small chance that the cashier thinks it is a coupon and reaches over yanking it form your husbands hand while he insists that it is not, I mean, it is embarrassing enough that the poor man is buying tampons but now a teenage girl is leaning over the counter arguing with you and pulling it out of your hands.  Let’s amend this step. Just go yourself. 

Step 8:  Avoid the Express. Please note the definite article here.  The Express, known to most simply as Express, is an American clothing store to which I have a sick sad addiction.  And they have a sick cycle that works something like this: Lure you into store with coupon because somehow they got you name from the Victoria Secret mailing list WHICH LEADS TO you going to the Express to use the coupon and realizing you need just $1 to make the coupon work WHICH LEADS TO you spending $100 more dollars because SOCKS don’t count in the deal WHICH LEADS TO opening an Express credit card because you can get the 15% off right now and other offers and you really cannot pay for what is here on the counters WHICH LEADS TO Express Next and MORE Coupons.  *Twitches* Help me......please....

Step 9: Balance your checkbook.  Yes, I know we all have those nifty little cards now, but if you are reading my blog chances are that you have heard of this little invention called “on-line banking.” Yes, math class and the SOL’s have made this all extra hard but what it boils down to is this.  Write down how much money you started with.  Subtract what you have spent. See if it matches the bank. If so, good job. If not, you’re screwed. Stop going to Starbucks and brew your own damn coffee. 

Step 10: Now, if you did this right you SHOULD have some extra cash, and therefore will not be purchasing wine in a box, from a 7-11 cold case or any beer that is sold as a Nascar race (sorry guys, but come on, you HAVE to admit you are not drinking at the races for taste).  Take your disposable income and trot your happy self to the wine store.  In Ashland. On the tracks. Tell him Bri sent you. He’ll hook ya up! 

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