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Monday, September 24, 2012

How (not to )Return Something to the Store

How (not to )Return Something to the Store
Subtitle: Bitch, you did not buy that here.  That is why you don’t have the receipt.  You are a liar.  

And entry with inspiration from Hot Roommate and others who work in retail.  My prayers go out to you all...

92 days remain. I really wouldn’t return anything; you might want to barter it off later.  Just making an observation... 

Step 1: Find your receipt BEFORE you leave the house.  What do you mean they didn’t give you a receipt? They HAVE to give you a receipt, it’s retail law or something.  In fact, many places have that cute little sign that says you get your purchase free if you don’t get a receipt, which I admit I am all over because teachers don’t make POOP for $$ and I could use a free drink once in a while (A soda people I mean a soda, like the sign says, nevermind...)  So, just stop playing, they gave you a receipt. If not, well, we know how you got it then.  

Step 2:  Make sure you know what store it came from.  Now not only can this mistake be embarrassing for you but it can be embarrassing for them.  This proves even more embarrassing when you bring in the store brand to the wrong store.  Since I specialize in being as cheap as humanly possible here is a nice chart to help you know your store brands.  

Store Brand Name
Store Name
Yuckiness Factor
Great Value
On a scale of decent to WTF, we’re at about a tolerable...
Private Selection
Archer Farms, Market Pantry, Circo, Mossimo...
Not too shabby actually

Eh, I just put in a chart because you people like them.  I’m lazy. 

Here’s a link:

Just FYI anything at Food Lion tastes like shit.  

Step 3: Oh, did I neglect to ask? DID YOU USE IT!?! Yes? Then DON’T RETURN IT.  Nobody thinks you’re cute buying that chainsaw after the hurricane, cutting down the tree and then trotting into Lowe’s like you have no idea how the damn box got filled with those wood chips.  

Step 4: Don’t return food. As I am writing this and watching True Blood which is gross enough (No, I am not cheating on Michael Shanks, I like to diversify my celebrity lust at times for my own sanity, yummy Eric...), my husband and crazy friend informed me that people return food to Walmart. A lot. That’s just nasty. It’s food. Do I really have to explain to you why this is nasty? If I do, you need to be reading my little life lessons a bit more carefully. 

Step 5: Wait, wait, wait.... is this box open? No, see, because of thieving asshats we tape that shiz back up and tape.  You used it, didn’t you?????

Step 6: Make sure the woman returns the item.  No the man. No offense guys, but you have purchased the item, whether or not it was needed, refused to try it on, took it home, left it thrown in the bag for days to wrinkle, break, what have you, then when you finally decided to wear it, you took of the tags only to find it doesn’t fit you, not even close, and you’re ripping it over your head cursing and swearing like your significant other was supposed to know this would happen. We do. That’s why we try stuff on. And buy things for you. Give me that damn bag now and go to the car. You’ve already lost the receipt.

Step 7: Don’t let your pet near it either. Please. Because nothing says, oh yes I intended to keep this purchase and not return it to scam the hell out of you like letting little Hippity Hop chew chew chew their way through the charger cord, or because Fluffy the furry siamese has clawed her way through that chair that you are thinking just now, right now, post claw marks, doesn’t match your living room or Fido in all of his cuteness decided that your brand new queen size feather pillow needed to be torn to shreds in his bed.  Don’t. Because if Zippy the Ball Python got to spend quality time with your purchase we know that you never intended to really return it, you just let it screw it up and are now trying to cover your tracks.  Now see Step 3. 

Step 8: It’s used!!! You’re not even trying to hide that you used it!! It’s not cute, I don’t care if Grace tried to pull it off on Will and Grace, or that Lynette chick on Desperate Housewives did it. It’s not cute.  In fact, there is a deodorant stain right under the armpit of that dress. We’re finished here. 

Step 9:  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.... not only is that box OPEN but that’s the wrong shit inside. Yes, yes it is!! Because this box clearly says LEGOS and these bricks clearly say BestLock, which is Canadian. What do you mean how do I know?? Because I hunted down a way to buy my kids Stargate SG-1 Legos, excuse me, BestLock bricks from CANADA just so I could steal the Daniel Jackson Lego person because Hot Roommate will not let me buy a Michael Shanks Barbie and make him my own.  So, don’t try. I’ll call APD.

Step 10: Take the booze out of your pants. No seriously, that is a wine bottle shaped bulge in the leg of your pants.  Wait, stop! Where are you going!?! Security!!! *pow* *gets taken down by the deaf guy* Don’t you feel stupid? He couldn’t even hear me and took you down! Next time have your receipt. 

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