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Monday, September 17, 2012

How to Make the World Work Right


How to Make the World Work Right
Subtitle: I should run everything. Everything. So, we should probably get to cloning. Who’s got Thor’s number? Shanks? Anybody??
Oh and we’ve broke the 100’s folks. 99 days remain. Start sharpening your swords. 

Step 1: Sort everyone.  Now, I’m not talking about profiling, stereotyping or anything else that offends people. What I am proposing is just simple sorting, using a tool that we all in the USA and maybe other places experienced in middle school - the World of Work Interest Inventory.  Here’s a link: http://www.wowi.com/ . Try it out. Because we need to get a better idea of who belongs where and who doesn’t.  Some people belong in, well, let’s say, considering current events, politics. Some don’t. And we need a way to know...

Step 2:  ....but we might need more than that so let’s add to it a few tests. Remember in school you had to do fitness tests and things.  I think we need to have basic testing for living period.  Basic health and fitness, no, you don’t need to be an athlete, but you also don’t need to be running up my insurance premiums (see, old again, worried about insurance). Basic personal finance.  If you are using those cash for your car title shit, you FAIL.  Basic parenting test. If you cannot tend to personal needs, uh, like BATHING regularly, then you FAIL. And no worries about paying experts to make up these tests. I will do it.  Free of charge. 

Step 3: Teach people how to speak. Properly.  Now, I will admit, I tend to slip into southern like a greased pig, but I also know how NOT to speak southern when needed. The problem is that people have forgotten how to speak in professional situations and this needs to be amended. Case in point, know when your doctors asks about forms of birth control that they are called condoms and not condominiums.  Know that a media center and a library (not LIE-BERRY note as well) are the same damn thing, especially if you work in one. Do not use the words nom nom, snarky, bling, snuggle/cuddle when talking about someone that is not your child, and using the word gay to demean anything when even if you are NOT trying to insult an entire group of people you are using the word incorrectly anyway.  If you CANNOT follow these basic rules, you will be issued a dictionary and punished for improper usage. 

Step 4: And while we are at it, let’s make sure people know how to read. Like really read. Not like low as mud so easy my second grader could pass reading tests but really read. Hard shit. I want everyone to be able to read War & Peace and actually understand it.  If you can’t we will make special classes for you so you can. Because people don’t read anymore. Anything. Even simple emails that say HERE is what you NEED to do, exactly, using small words yet still result in a phone call, asking for clarification.  In fact, I think we need to adopt a policy of not speaking to one another for like 3 years, just so people will be forced to do shit like read a menu themselves.  Just a thought. 

Step 5: Sink or swim. After figuring out where you should go, you need to just be thrown into it. To FAIL.  Trust me, it works.  When I was student teaching my cooperating teacher (the person whose class I took over) up and left my first day that I taught alone.  Literally. He ran some laundry mats, so instead of having to go late night after school, he just snuck out the back and let me teach (I really know some interesting people in my life). Well, teach might be a loose term, since I was like 19 or 20 or something.  It was more like wrangle, threaten and cry, but it worked.  It taught me the glare we have spoken about in earlier injuries. Everyone needs the glare. 

Step 6: Bring back whuppings. In like everything.  Whuppings in schools, whuppings in public, just whuppings all around.  The police should be issued paddles ad given some sort of power (remember we sorted right, hopefully kept the asshats out of this position) to whup the crap out of someone’s backside if they screw up. Have you all WATCHED COPS lately? There are so many people that really didn’t need to be lectured and arrested, just needed to have their britches pulled down and whupped bare ass on the street.  Trust me, I bet you ONE YouTube video of a good ‘ole southern butt whuppin and little Druggie Jr. ain’t ever gonna be selling again.  

Step 7:  Ok, so we’ve got everyone sorted, tested, they can read, they can speak properly and we are literally going to whup their asses when they screw up, we need to elect effective leaders.  REAL FRAKKIN’ PEOPLE. People that are not millionaires, people that actually can talk without speech writers, people who frown once in a while because anyone that smiles that much is FAKIN’ IT!! A person who will answer questions at a debate with a GIANT ASS LIE DETECTOR attached to them, that not only bings loudly when it goes off but zaps the shit out of them when they lie.  People that don’t call each other names like six year olds.  Find me THOSE people.  Ideas? Anybody? 

Step 8: Screw it.  I’m just taking over. No one is going to listen to my advice, they never do. Don’t lie to me people, you’ve all learned to skip to step 10.  I’ve got that army in training, Troop #%)@ (sorry can’t give the numbers online - safety and all) and I am slowing forming a twitter army as well.  And we’re smart, we’re not going after a nation, we’re thinking smaller.  Detroit. Cuz it’s falling apart anyway. They’ll welcome us with open arms.  Well, that and we couldn’t afford an island. Seriously, check Ebay. Have you SEEN what those are going for? 

Step 9: Make a side trip, to Canada.  Steal Mr. Canadian Hot Pants.  I need a king. Hot Roommate is really smart and politically savvy, so he’ll will be busy ruling, I need someone to keep me company.  And I hear his wife has a thing for Channing Tatum.  Hun, you are smokin’ girl crush kinda hot. Go get Tatum. I’ll take your sloppy seconds with no complaints. 

Step 10: Well, since I have now taken over and we are stuck in Detroit Junction (DJ - get it? get it?)  I have also taken control of the St. Julian Vineyard (My Michigan expert has advised me that this is the best course of alcoholic action). Peach Wine for everyone!! That is until we get that trade agreement with Spain.  Hot Roommate get to stepping with those negotiations and Hot Pants, go pour me some wine! 





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