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Thursday, July 19, 2012

How to Treat your Man/Woman

How to Care for your Man/Woman
Subtitle: Stop watching Romantic Comedies.  Here is the hard core truth.  Trust me, I’ve been married for a while. 
Step 1: Find a man or a woman.  In order to have someone to treat well, or to be treated well by, you have to find someone.  Because you absolutely cannot live without a significant other. At all. In fact, it is quite literally impossible for you to survive on your own so you need to do whatever it takes, scour bars, do 1-900 party lines, beg friends to set you up with someone, anyone, go to cheesy singles events, well, you get the idea. Point is... YOU NEED TO FIND A MAN (or woman...) 
Step 2: LIE to your man (or woman). They don’t want you for who you are.  Chances are, they want you because you are good looking enough to sleep with or you have money. For the initial hello, not much else really matters.  So as you chat, just keep lying.  Hell, tell them you were asked to attend the FBI academy but turned it down.  Tell them that you are a black belt in some crazy martial art that they have never heard of so they will not check in to to see if it is real.  Tell them that you can do the splits.  ;) Just lie your ass off.  Oh and remember to stick to your lie.  Once you have told your lie you will need to keep track of your lies.  Keep a note on Siri, she’s helpful like that.  
Step 3: Oh, and while you’re at it, keep talking. Talk and talk and talk and talk. Relate everything to yourself because, I mean, that’s why they are here, right, to talk about you. Talk about every pet you have ever owned, each and every bizarre medical condition you have and about the strange relationship that you have with your mother.   And don’t forget that everything they have ever done or accomplished, you have done it too and done it better. And probably more often. Which brings us to step 4. 
Step 4: Pick your poison.  In a real relationship there is no such thing as working together. Equality is a myth of the modern media. Do you ever see woman on TV with wrinkles? How about men? Yeah, thought so.  Back to relationships,  one of you need to be the dominant partner and the other is the submissive.  That’s just the way it is.  And it is not always the man as the dominant and the woman as the submissive, in fact some guys get off on the reverse. With whips. And chains.  No one will think less of you whichever you pick, but just pick one so you can move onto into your plan for a perfect relationship.  
Step 5: I pick dominant!  B$&ch get ready to roll.  You need to make sure that your man (woman) is there to cater to your each and every need whether that be rub your feet, clean your toilet, pay your bills or bail you out of jail.  Remind them each and every moment that they would be nothing without you and that they need you in every way imaginable.  If they don’t believe you, add that you chose them because no one else wanted them, so even if they leave, they can’t get anyone else, much less that non-existent better.  
Step 6: I choose submissive.... I mean...if that’s ok... Alright my dear, you will need to change everything about yourself for your man/your woman. Change your life completely to match what your man or woman wants. Stop seeing your friends, stop seeing your family, stop your hobbies, etc.  You need to do exactly what they say, when they say it, and be who they want regardless of what you did in steps 2 or 3.  Because, you want to keep them, right? If you don’t they are never going to want you and no one else ever will for that matter so just stop your damn crying and get up and make dinner right now. And bring me a beer!  And if your best friend calls this house one more time you’re out!!!
Step 7: Special occasions.  Now, remember, you really don’t love someone unless you spend insane amounts of money on them that you don’t have just to keep their affections.  And a trip to Chicago to meet the man of your dreams (do I really need to write his name anymore people...but that gets me hits....hmmmm... I love Michael Shanks - look I got him in this one too, even though he is not mine.... yet...) doesn’t cut it.  We need diamonds.  Rubies. Emeralds.  F-250’s. Seasons tickets to the Lakers. (Or the Canucks xoxox Shanks again). Trips to Paris. Can’t afford it?  I would like to introduce you to my friend Visa.  She is there when you need her the most.  (Or is that Mastercard???)
Step 8: Now post every intimate detail of your entire relationship on Facebook.  Be sure to pick the status that best represents what you are right now, whether it be complicated, in an open relationship, in a hidden relationship because he is still trying to figure out how to tell his wife that he has another woman or at least that is what he is telling you when he comes over at 2 a.m.  And make EVERY single status about your man, what he bought you, what he made you for dinner, how much you love him/her, what color shirt he is wearing, how he still hasn’t called today, how you want other people to butt out of your personal life that you broadcast all over the internet.  Remember, Facebook was created to share just this kind of information, so please, be detailed. 
Step 9:  Don’t believe the hatas. People gonna be jealous and b*%ches gonna hate.  They gonna call you and tell you that they saw your man at Wal-mart walking around the electronics department with some ho and then send you a picture of them that was clearly photoshopped with their Boost Mobile Blackberry or that sow that called claiming that she your man’s baby mama and he’d better start coughing up some paper or else she’s gonna call the 5-0.  Thems hatas. They gonna make you wanna take your earrings off.  Ignore them.  Get pregnant immediately.  
Step 10.  Spend every waking moment with your man..... Gotcha.  I hope you figured out around step 3 that I started in with the Spanish wine at step 1. It was that kinda day.  Go ahead, get yourself a glass and start back at the beginning.  It’s funnier the second time around.  And if you were looking for serious advice, again, reread. And do the COMPLETE opposite of every step.  

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