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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

How to Change Your Stars


How to Change Your Stars
Subtitle: I didn’t like me. At all. So guess what? I did something about it. 
This entry is a little more serious and in homage to my anniversary this summer. One year ago, on July 17th 2011, I decided to change my stars. Here’s how and why I did. 
Step 1: The deterioration.  It will happen to everyone. Everyone.  There is no one root cause but mine was quiet simple: I got comfortable.  I had Hot Roommate after three stupid years of NOT letting myself be attracted to him and finally admitting everything to him because of my good friend José. I had a cute little house in the country that was super pretty despite the insanity of building it myself. I had two little perfect demons that were happily driving me insane. Ok, you whiney brat, if you were so damn happy that we are about ready to click off of this blog, what in the heck is wrong with you?!?! I stopped caring about me. Which was stupid, because she’s kinda important. To you know, the three things (4 if you separate the demons above).  Read on...
Step 2: The realization. Ok, if we read the 10K entry you know part one of this story already.  Let’s recap, Clare was little, she thought I was a man because I was fat and dressed like one.  She even said she had two daddies.  Ouch.  I don’t have a problem with two daddies, that just wasn’t the look I was going for. Then, there is the fact that Hot Roommate laughed at the idea of me running. At all. Or finishing anything for that matter.  What!?! I used to be THE go to girl to get things done and now I’m the half-ass person who just exists? And my own husband thinks so? Oh hell no! 
Step 3: The motivation. Next, you need to throw fit, scream at everyone using a plethora of profanity in a variety of languages and lock yourself in your bedroom with your computer. Turn on your computer, plug in your headphones and cue up some cinema on Netflix.  Watch Star Wars first and cry, because when you were a child Princess Leia was your hero.  Fat, unmotivated, depressed chicks can’t be Princess Leia.  Upset, flip over to Legend of the Seeker.  Have same reaction watching Cara and Kahlan. Get mad, change program again.  Finally watch that Stargate show you missed while in grad school your friends keep telling you to watch. Watch about 30 mins of first episode. And fall completely and totally in love.  
Step 4: The situation. Shut off the computer.  What happened to you? If things like the Stargate really existed, you really were cool enough, smart enough, everything enough to be a part of something like that (and get that PERFECT MAN - hell, you got Hot Roommate who is awesome and even he thinks you’ve turned into a monster).  Go look in the mirror. Realize you are huge, have a constant frown on your face, and dark circles because you don’t sleep, you just lay around feeling sorry for yourself. That’s not you.  In fact, I have no idea who in the hell you are girl, but you’ve got to go. Now. 
Step 5: The transformation.  Now, keep it all inside until you find the right person to break to. Otherwise, you just end up blubbering like a drunken fool (perhaps drunk indeed) to anyone and everyone and no one will take you seriously. I recommend breaking-down to a professional. It might be a shrink, but for me it was my Ob-Gyn.  She let me sit there, blubber like an idiot and then handed me a folder.  I am not sure the name on it anymore, but I know it was politically correct way of saying “How to not be a Fat Ass Anymore and Actually not Die of Type 2 Diabetes,” or something along those lines.  There was no explanation, just a “Look, I know you are a smart person. Read this. Call me if you have any questions. I’m glad you’ve decided to do this.” 
Step 6: The frustration. Ok, I’m not gonna to lie.  Running hurts.  Lifting weights hurts.  Eating right is killer.  Don’t give up.  You’re gonna sprain ankles while leaping over furniture like a gazelle and have to have the cute Redneck ambulance drivers carrying you down the stairs in the skimpiest workout clothes ever because you were working out before the kids got up and oh yeah, they’re up now, on the phone with 911 talking about how clumsy you are.  You’re husband will get promoted and leave you with the children 24/7 so you have to improvise like crazy and ride your bike while lifting weights at the same time so you don’t lose workout time.  It’s gonna to be frustrating.  Don’t give up.  
Step 7: The dedication. Get right back up after each of these.  So, you go 21 days without running? Lift weights until you can and start running as soon as you are allowed.  Now, you’re not gonna run miles right off the bat, but be dedicated enough to work your way back up.  Don’t listen to naysayers.  I’ve been told, well you don’t run that fast or it’s not like you’re a REAL athlete.  These people are asshats and they are just jealous that YOU don’t hate your life anymore.  Let them keep hating theirs.  You just keep going and do what you gotta do to succeed.  
Step 8: The destination. Ok, this is not even about meeting Michael Shanks anymore. (Although words cannot describe how excited I am to be able to just touch this man!!!) It’s about realizing that I can finally do anything I set my mind to, even if it is something as crazy as meeting your celebrity crush.  Riding everything at the local theme park that you were ever afraid of.  Trying Hot Yoga. Belly Dancing in front of a crowd.  Writing a story, a novel, a blog.  Putting yourself out there. Because remember, you were pretty cool. And you still are.  
Step 9: The dispensation.  For this to truly work you don’t just going flouncing around bragging.  I get a lot of compliments and the first thing I say is “Thanks, but anyone can do it if I did.  Just let me know, I’m happy to share.” And be there for those people when they hit steps 5-7.  Be there when they tell you what THEIR step 8 is and don’t laugh (cuz come on YOURS is to HUG Michael Shanks, does it get sillier?? I thought not). Be supportive and caring and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. 
Step 10: The celebration. Wine time!! Hey, wanna know the best part of this? It takes less wine to be happy when you are smaller.  So you can either save the money or buy more expensive wine. But drink up and drink well! You deserve it.  
Happy Anniversary! And if YOU ;) are reading: I’m not one of the crazies, I just wanted to thank you for helping me change my stars even though you weren’t even aware that you did.

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