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Thursday, July 26, 2012

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse


How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse
Subtitle: I’m not Rick Grimes. I will shoot you in your head if you piss me off. I will not keep some delinquent locked in the barn while you plot against me. And I will not lose Carl. 
Step 1: Ok, so you’ve woken up and you’re in the hospital and you’ve been in a coma and the world as you know it is gone, zombies a’roaming the halls.  (Damn, now I am worried about Charlie Harris - get it? Saving Hope joke there. Don’t know what he will wake up to? Nevermind...). Or maybe you are waking up in my house on December 22nd after my insane crazy End of the World Party (to which, again, if reading this, you are invited my dear Mr. Shanks) to realize that we were dead wrong in making fun of all of this and it’s time to be glad that Hot Roommate became a pseudo-redneck.  Our first step is to accept this reality and get the hell out of here.  


Step 2: Weapons.  Yes this comes before food.  Now, if anything, the Walking Dead has taught us that guns make a loud boom boom, so we need to go Michonne style with one of these bad boys .  And knives, lots of knives. And a bow. With arrows. Not only do we need to keep in mind the sound factor but honey, you gonna run outta bullets.  Arrows, knives and swords, you can just pull that right back outta the zombie’s head. And you can make your own arrows too; our ancestors did it so I’m sure we can figure this out.  Unless of course you want to use these bullets: Zombie Killing Bullets Click Here in which case I am sure that they are named so due to the face that they have super powers or something that makes them better than other bullets. And you can buy them at Bass Pro. Bonus! Oh and never underestimate the power of a big stick.  
Step 3: Where is Carl? Now, if you have survived this far, you have escaped and have weapons in hand there is a chance that you have picked up a kid or two along the way, maybe you are even toting your own.  That said, here’s a thought: WATCH THEM!! LIKE A HAWK. AND ARM THEM. NOT WITH A DAMN STUFFED ANIMAL OR A COWBOY HAT.  If the zombies come a knockin’ on my door on December 22nd (thank GOD I get to meet Mr. Canadian Hot Pants soon!! Just in case, you know?) you better believe that Will (Adorable Nerd Offspring) and Clare (Fashionista In-Training Offspring) are going to be armed to the teeth with the latest in Martial Arts weaponry.  And I will know where they are. At all times.  
Step 4: On the move. Now, obviously, if this has just happened, you are going to have the fortune of your choice of car and probably ones with gasoline.  Find something that can serve as your home and your mode of transportation.  Like an RV. But DON’T let some silly college co-eds talk their way into said RV. They will get you eaten by zombies and hooked up with a some crazy ass cops and a whiney lady that doesn’t watch her kid.  You’re better off with the cute little young Asian boy that is the only smart one there.  Keep him.  He’s useful. And stock up on gasoline, lots’ of gasoline. Because when you make it to the country you are going to see that horses are not such a bright idea either. 
Step 5: Carl, where did you go? Did you see him? I mean he was right here not two seconds ago!! What do you mean you gave him a gun? I was kidding about those zombie bullets being magic you idiot!! Carl, get back over here.  Give me your hand.  Yes, those are handcuffs, I’m a cop, remember, I seemed to bring everything else with me from that station. Yes, I am cuffing you to me. And putting the key out of your reach. (See Rick, how freakin’ hard was that!?!) 
Step 6: Water.  Time for me to go all Girl Scout leader on you. Believe or not, water used to come from places other than Aquafina and Dasani bottles.  Water comes from...wait for it.....it will be a revelation in your life experience..... THE GROUND!!! So, don’t burden yourself with carrying it around, what you need is a pot and matches. That’s it.  Because you can drink from just about any lake around if you just make a fire and boil it. And don’t argue with me. See here: How to Boil Water to Drink .  Paragraph 5. I know what I’m talking about.  Just pretend the website’s name wasn’t HerebeZombies.com. 
Step 7: Carl, I’m not joking around here.  Do you remember what happened the last time you wandered off? Yeah, that’s right, and I did it once and I’ll do it again and you can just pee yourself as we walk along.  Look how nice Adorable Nerd and Fashionista In-Training are behaving. Oh and that whacked out little girl with the bear.  Why can’t you be like them? 
Step 8: Food. While it may seem suspect that this is all the way the heck down at step 8 I would like to refer you to two sources: 
  1. My blog (THURSDAY) in which the BEST part of Thursday was reserved for Step 8 as sheer evidence that I have nothing against Step 8 and it’s position in the process. 
  1. We are fat.  And by we I mean Americans (because my European friends ya’ll are a) skinny and b) got better places to hide, I’ve seen the articles, you will be hiding at this step). We are so fat that we have a website totally dedicated to it.  http://www.obesityinamerica.org/ .  In fact, clicking on the statistics page takes you to at least a half a dozen sources all of which basically say “You are all Orca Whales. Cut it with the Twinkies.”
That being sad, it is the fatness that will save us. For a while.  Because you can survive a long time without food. Ghandi made it 21 days and this is NOT info from a zombie site, look, I have a legit source: See look it is Scientific American and NOT a Zombie Site. However, at some point, when your skins a’flopping like a rooster’s wattle, you’re gonna need to eat.  Here is a handy chart of foods that never (or damn near never) expire so you know what to stuff in your pack (Or in Glenn’s pack, whichever). 

Food
How long before bad
Twinkies
Never - See “Zombieland”
Honey
Never - But can crystalize. You’ll need those matches. 
Hardtack
About 20 years. This was on a zombie site, no lie.  Where in the hell does one get hardtack nowadays? And if you don’t know what that is, pay better attention in history class, ok?
Booze
Decades - Now you can use this for sterilization too but remember booze has lotsa calories.  Don’t believe me? Take a look around. Thems 19 year old girls have bigger tummies than me and it ain’t because they’ve had two kids. 
Can Food
A few years as long as it is closed. But you need a can opener. That might be a problem.  Use that knife I told you to get, just be careful and for the love of Athena don’t let Carl do it. 
MRE’s
5-10 years.  But really, who wants to eat an MRE? My army friends say they suck. (Unless of course I am off world and sharing one with Daniel....sigh...nice dream....). 
Anything from McDonald’s
Never. It never goes bad. Because apparently McDonald’s is so bad for you that it never rots. Ever. Ever. Someone send me a counter study on this, please. I’m kinda freakin’ out here...
The bad news is that once the above options are exhausted, you’re gonna have to learn to hunt, forage and grow stuff.  I suggest spending some quality time watching “Dances with Wolves” starring Kevin Costner.  That should give you the basics.  
Step 9: Give Carl back to Lori.  The kid has a death wish. Worry about Adorable Nerd and Fashionista In-Training. 
Step 10: WTH - There’s no wine in the zombie apocalypse!!  Once again, I turn to the lovely food section of the HuffPo for help: Wine Pairing for the Zombie Apocalpyse. Got that Glenn, a Riesling? Bring a bottle of that back too.  Because if someone’s gonna eat my brain, I’m going out tipsy and tasty.  

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