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Monday, July 9, 2012

How to Have a Memorable 4th of July


How to Enjoy your 4th of July
Subtitle: We’re gonna get arrested...
Step 1: Prep Work. My husband has perfected his 4th of July fireworks collection system in that he has incorporated it into our family vacation drive home. Every year.  And each and every year he takes it a bit more over the top.  This year his destination: South of the Border. Oh my Athena.... This is what this place looks like. 


And the rush of testosterone is so great that I had to leave for fear over being overtaken like a yuppie female tourist lost in West Virginia (Deliverance anyone?). I was scared.  I left. And bought a taco. 
Step 2: Go to a local parade. Local parades are the best because not only do they throw candy, which remember about 1/3 of your kids are not old enough to eat yet and you get to sit and enjoy. (Wait, you haven’t tried that trick yet? What is wrong with you???) BUT they are also just plain funny.  Our local parade has more antique John Deere tractors in it than people, at a ratio of approximately 3:1 (Who is driving these mystery tractors you may ask? They string them in rows like Christmas tree popcorn) and it is full of animals.  However, the BEST part of all is the clueless people who drive out to the country to see these things.  My sister, each year, walks her animals in the parade. (Told you were were rednecks). And each year, she has to answer a stupid question, because apparently people don’t know what animals look like anymore.  This year she walked this: 

About five people asked her what kind of animal it was. I told her she should have said ‘It’s a Cheetah.’ 
Step 3: Lunch at Granny’s with stories. If you are fortunate like me to still have your grandparents alive even though you are in your early 30’s, this MUST be part of your ritual.  Because, 4th of July lunch when your grandparents are in their 80’s and your aunts and uncles don’t care because their kids are grown any more, you can learn all sorts of interesting things about your family, and your parents.  Like how your mom had mastered the fine art of sneaking out of the house and hung out with the pot heads in high school after making herself sound like Laura Ingalls to you everytime you did something stupid as a teen.  In fact, the entire insanity went down like this: 
Someone put on some hippie rock fest documentary on the TV UNRATED and UNCENSORED which lead to my 85 year old grandfather laughing at the swearing and how high Jim Morrison was which someone lead to a room discussion on the film Apocalypse Now (which I would like to mention is my love Michael Shanks favorite film  ;-) ) and how it affected the music of the time period which lead to yet again another discussion of pot which led to stories about how my mom got her fake teeth.  She knocked them out. At the State Fair. Impressing a boy.  When she was 17. After sneaking out.  My Granny was ALL OVER giving me this dirt.  If this is the 4th, I can’t WAIT until Thanksgiving!!
Step 4: Booze in a bag.  Now, what 4th of July is complete without some alcoholic beverages.  This year’s du jour: Booze in a bag.  It is exactly what it says, a malt based daiquiri that you freeze that comes in a bag. Ok, let’s forget for a few minutes that I dissed all such beverages only a few months ago.  This stuff is good and it’s only two bucks a pop. And if you buy six and smile cutely at the cashier, he will key in the wine discount even though this stuff clearly never saw a grape.   
Step 5: Food. Now, it’s July 4th, so as good GOD FEARIN’ AMUHRICANS we are supposed to eat hamburgers and hot dogs.  But me...dude, I just got back from DisneyWorld at 2 freakin’ a.m. and had to get up and deal with this insanity.  Burgers and Dogs it is... we can discuss grilling gourmet later. 
Step 6: Waiting....waiting.... till dark. This is just that much better with kids.  Is it dark enough yet? (Sun is still up at this point) No.  Ten minutes later, Is it dark enough yet? (Sun starting to set but sky is still pretty dark light) No. Five minutes later, Is it dark enough yet? (Sun is the exact same freakin position because it has only been five minutes) No.  Brianne, you really need to tell Jack to get the fireworks started (Now my mother is weighing in as it is still light out).  Where was I? Oh, sitting at my computer, writing all of this insanity down for your people. Oh, wait! Be right back.  It’s dark enough now!! 
Step 7: The Fireworks. Remember that trip to South of the Border.  Bad idea.  Let’s skip the written step and just share the link, shall we?? (Please don’t turn me in...) 
Step 8: Watch out for your neighbors. They will walk through the woods, in the dark, no flashlight, almost a mile no less, to ask you if you think it is a good idea to shoot off those fireworks. I don’t but Hot Roommate did.  However, Hot Roomate did have a point, since it sounded like a war was going on all around us, it was not only stupid for said neighbor to walk through the woods in the pitch black with no flashlight, but really?? Our little pops and cracks were what you were worried about. Come on dude, b$*ches next door are firing canons. Get your priorities straight. 
Step 9: Hide the evidence. Because the cops might come, remember the crazy neighbors, but be creative. The cops will look in the back of your truck, the shed, your trashcan, so you gotta get more inventive.  Try the grill! No one will ever think to look there.  I didn’t.  So, the next day when you go to clean out the grill and open the lid to discover all of the smoldering evidence chillin there like grilled chicken, don’t be surprised.  That was a good hiding spot.  
Step 10: Wine. Because there is ash in my hair.  I still think the cops are coming. Hot Roommate has hidden the fireworks in my grill.  My best friend (the guy BF, not the awesome amiga in Texas) has jetted out of here leaving me to my fate.  My kids think Hot Roommate is a superhero because he didn't blow himself up but made our backyard look like DisneyWorld. 
I’ll be in my bedroom.  With wine. And Stargate DVD’s.  Thanks...

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