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Monday, June 18, 2012

How to Write a Blog

How to Write a Blog
Subtitle: An explanation because people are apparently surprised at how insane I really am.  I’ve been this way a long time people; I was just hiding it from you.  
Step 1: Have insane friends.  And I have INSANE friends.  Friends that one night during your weekly TV show party (don’t make fun of me my younger readers, this is what we old folk do for fun) tell you that you are funny and should start blogging.  Then, they continue to support the habit by posting it on their Facebook walls, telling their friends and then requesting you talk about certain topics, which if your friends are indeed insane are topics that normal blogs will never discuss. In fact, this very entry is a request.  So, see, I do listen to you people.  On occasion....
Step 2: Pick a format, usually one based on your personality.  I always joke that I am everyone’s guidance counselor because people have been coming to me for years for me to solve their problems even though I have NO idea what to tell them.  Apparently whatever I do do or whatever faces I make are effective and people keep coming back. That is why I picked the “How to” format, so people who are not currently seeking my sage advice can benefit from it worldwide.  Oh, and it was not taken yet. That was important too.  
Step 3: Get inspired.  There are many avenues for inspiration when it comes to sarcastic blogging, but here are just a few of my favorites.  
  1. My insane friends: As I mentioned 99% of my entries now are by request from my friends.  This goes double for the offensive ones.  They are 198% responsible for those.  They are also just general crazy folks that say crazy things.  I mean, only my friends would shout out obscene things during serious television shows  like, “OMG Tonks is naked, I can never watch Harry Potter again!!”. Well they didn’t use the word naked, but you get the idea.
  2. Shopping at Walmart:  In fact, Walmart is such a good source of material that I have pondered creating a blog JUST to log what I see at Walmart.  The other day for example I heard a husband and wife arguing something along the lines of creamer being milk, like not whether or not it is a damn dairy product, but whether or not it was milk like you could give a child.  Really? You’re that damn stupid? This is why there should be a license to breed. 
  3. Students.  If I have not already expressed, they are hysterical. And not just what they say in class, but how oblivious they are to reality itself.  One of my students paged (instant messaged) me the other day saying she missed our speaking appointment because her school was having a Slave Wedding.  I am not joking.  In the South no less.  Not only was she completely accepting of this as a school activity, but I called her mentor.  She wasn’t lying.  See, instant material. 
  4. Craigslist Rants and Raves. If you have not discovered this, amuse yourself one lonely night.  It will drive you to tears.  It’s like my blog, just highly offensive with bad language.  And apparently, people spend their free time doing this, a LOT of free time since they answer people right back when they are attacked.  I find that as funny as the postings.  
  5. Watching the news for 5 minutes.  Especially politics.  Politicians are seriously the most uninformed, out of touch morons on this planet who just happened to be born rich with big mouths. Remember “You can see Russia from my house” nonsense (yes people I know she didn’t say that, I actually am an informed American voter ok)? The reason people bought that was because they are quite literally saying stupid stuff like that EVERY DAY on C-SPAN.  OR RIchmond City Council.  Google that live feed my friends, RIchmond, VA.  That is geek entertainment for HOURS.  
  6. My husband.  While a part of me feels like he should be in ‘a’ he really takes it to a whole new level.  Here’s just a sample conversation: 
Jack: Honey, Facebook is really messed up now. I had to confirm Will’s birth on your timeline.  
Me: Actually Jack, I think they do that so women can’t just be tagging men as baby daddies.  
Jack: Please tell me your joking.  
Me: I was, but now that it is out, no, I think that might be why.  
Jack: God help us.  
This is a DAILY occurrence in my household.  See why I stay married to this guy? Our banter cracks me up.  
Step 4: Have some running jokes.  In case you haven’t caught on I have a two continuous ones: 
  1. Spanish Wine - Yes, yes, it is partially because I am a Spanish teacher and partly because until I went to Spain in college I was pretty much only drinking what the frat boys gave me, which is never a good plan.  Never! Oh, and since I forgot to mention it in the drinking blog and I have your attention, don’t ever drink anything at a party that is housed in a trashcan or bathtub.  I shall share stories later.  
  1. My undying love of Michael Shanks - It's not funny because he is funny (well he is in a clever smart mouth way online, not like as in bad actor, he is GREAT), it is funny because EVERYONE picks on me about it. This joke amuses me no end as it started as a threat between me and my husband (that said actor is my dream man and if Jack doesn't shape up I am running away to Canada) and has skyrocketed into the most fun I have had with someone, even though I have never met him.  But Speaking of, now that I have actually bought a ticket and am going to meet him, I really hope he is as nice as he is on Twitter...... getting nervous here people.....have any of you met him??? Help a girl out.....
Step 5: Have set days to publish. That way, people can begin to look forward to your craziness.  I chose Mondays and Thursdays.  Why? Well, Mondays just suck donkey balls and no one wants to be at work anyways.  Post your not-as-good entries here.  People are too hung over and pissed off so they will think anything is funny.  And, as we discussed on June 1st, Thursdays are the best day ever, filled with exercise, free booze and beautiful Canadian men (of which we only care about one).  
Step 6: Promote yourself.  Shamelessly. In fact, I am almost to the point where my introductions are “Hi, I’m Bri, nice to meet you. I blog, you should read, do you have a pen, I’ll write down the address for you?” I am kidding of course...well...sorta, but regardless slap your blog address on everything, your email signature, your twitter page, your Facebook page, tattooed on your arm, your license plate, inside a little Darwin fish sticker so Christians will get mad and confused and try to read it and see the site and likewise Evolutionists will be like who jacked our fish and note your site as well.  If you are a trust fund baby, get yourself a billboard and some hot models and post your url on the interstate.  Just get noticed.   
Step 7: Get opinions before you post.  I have a select set of friends and relatives that I vet things with before I post, in an effort to make sure I am not too offensive or over the top.  This is not to preserve anyone’s feelings, I am WAY over that I can assure you, but to make sure that I do not lose my job.  Because I like my job and I like getting a paycheck.  And having a home.  And buying food.  Things like that.  
Step 8: Keep posting. Good things happen.  It might be slow going at first, but all of a sudden you check your stats and BAMMO you got like 200 hits in a day.  Yay! People like you :-) :-) So, just keep writing and make sure that each post is more over the top than the last and write and write and write until your husband is convinced that you are having an online twitter affair with Canadian celebrities when you are really writing a blog posting about some moron that you saw playing on the train tracks in town and your twitter feed is not even opened.  True story.  I swear.  
Step 9: Tweet Michael Shanks.  Not only is this man legit the NICEST CELEB ON THE FRIKKIN PLANET on there, which he is, but he has fans all over the world and if he answers you back and his other fans like your question then they click on your name and find your blog. Remember that self-promoting? Yeah, it worked.  So, to my new reader(readers if you are sharing with your friends) THANKS!! Welcome to the insanity!! Good to have you!! 
Step 10: Don’t write drunk. Yes, here is our step for the wine, but I have tried to start the wine before step 10 as I wrote.  Let’s just say that step 7 vetoed it.  Apparently, I don’t care as much about important things like my job or public appearance after a few glasses and after a while longer I am just downright offensive and crazy.  Write your blog, let your #7 read it and once everything is A-OK, go get your Spanish wine.  


  1. Someone else reads the Craigslist postings for fun! Me and Jay used to do it with the Trading Post, but now there is Craigslist. Instant entertainment, especially for me, the grammar nazi. I especially love the ones in the Barter section. Like "I have a ball python, looking to trade for some guns."

  2. Wait, there's a barter section?! Missed connection is a good section too!
    "hey cute guy working at some random starbuck, call me" or something stupid like that.

  3. ah ah ! yep just with one question, then one article, and an hundred tweets appears, and thousand hours letter you've a fan and a friend :D