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Thursday, June 21, 2012

How to Exercise


How to Exercise Correctly
Subtitle: If you are planning to improve your lifestyle, read this first. Please.  Otherwise, you are going to make yourself look like an asshat.  
Step 1: Pick your poison.  You need to decide BEFORE slapping down money at a gym or buying a stupid amount of gear what you would like to pursue.  And be logical.  Please.  Like pursing a sport that is seasonal so you have half the year to go back to being fat and lazy and have to start over, or my favorite, picking whatever is the trend.  I run.  I ran in high school. I ran a bit in college.  Now, running is super cool and every freakin person is a running expert and I am thinking, uh, wait until you are running the big 10K and you are on the side of the road dying with the paramedic because you only did enough training to look cool. Yeah, I’m laughing at you.  Because you are a phony.  
Step 2: Buy gear, not clothes.  That’s because if you do this right you’re going to de-fat yourself.  A lot.  Fast.  And those exercise clothes at the sporting good store are not cheap.  In fact, they are not even for exercise, they are for beautiful yet emotionally unstable women to wear to try to pick up guys at the gym.  Period. I mean, have you ever tried to wear that stuff. I bought a running top once and put it on and my boobs were stuffed into my face.  Trust me, ya can’t run like that.  It hurts.  So, just go to Walmart and buy some cheap shorts and if you need them a few sports bras. 
Step 3: Don’t expect instant results.  My favorite question from people is “Oh Bri, you look so good, how did you do it?” When I respond, diet and exercise, their face drops. In  fact, it has taken me most of my youngest child’s life to get back into the shape I was in high school and a lot of hard work.  Oh yeah, she’s six.  If you want instant results, go get yourself plastic surgery. Because it is just so much better to let a dude suck fat cells out of your side with a damn vacuum than it is to just suck it up and hit the elliptical.  Right.... I’d rather spend my money having fun and traveling. But that’s just me... 
Step 4: Respect others.  Your exercise does not supersede any other freakin thing that anyone one else has to do ever. Period.  Case in point - bikers in the country.  I respect your right to bike, just not in the damn middle of the really windy rural road with no shoulders and you won’t get over and look at me like I am not supposed to be there while I hold onto the steering wheel and pray to Athena that someone does not come whipping around the corner not see any of us and kill us all.  That is stupid.  That is asshatted.  I am a runner and I run the roads closer to race time and I am NOT running those roads nor am I nearly causing accidents.  So you bikers be warned, if I ever get diagnosed with a incurable disease and I catch you biking those dangerous roads like a moron, I just might not stop.  
Step 5: Do not eat like a teenager.  Unless you are, in that case, live it up. I used to eat two Snickers a day and was a skinny lil thing.  Today, not so much.  But just because you’re lifting a dumbbell once a week does not mean you can go stuffing your face with all of the fast food you can eat.  You may want to, and you can slip here and there, but busting out the Taco Bell after a workout is a sure fire way to need new workout clothes.  In the other direction.  At least Walmart carries those sizes.  More so than normal people sizes too.  
Step 6: Make a schedule. Just like everything else in your life, you need to set aside time for exercise otherwise it doesn’t happen.  And be creative about it.  In fact, here is yet another way to use Siri to your benefit.  On really busy weeks I have Siri create a reminder that says “Bri, this is your reminder to get off of your fat ass and run,” and things like that.  Now, I would like to defend my booty at this point, it is quite cute i have been told, but I want it to stay like that.  Siri is like my drill sergeant and the ghost of Christmas Future all wrapped up into one.  
Step 7: Motivate yourself. Now, a Siri note might not motivate you, so you really need to have something to motivate you.  I have a friend that uses pictures of really fit women to look at (fit not thin) for inspiration.  Maybe you can find a friend to work out with.  Personally, this is mine: pastedGraphic.pdf  (Pic seems to be bratty this morning so just in case:  http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Cara)

 I want to look like that.  And in that suit.  And go to DragonCon, dressed like that.  It’s on my bucket list and we know how I feel about that bucket list :-) 
Step 8: Don’t worry about looking like a fool.  Seriously, because chances are you are having to go to a gym and workout in front of others.  Do what you need to do, the plan from your doctor, your trainer, whatever and just ignore the rest.  Because this pie chart represents most of the pastedGraphic_1.pdfpastedGraphic_2.pdfpeople that go to a gym.  


(Again, picture that worked last week is being bratty.....


80% of people are there to get laid or be looked at.
9% of people are so scary working out that you want to avoid them because you want them to forget your face when the world turns into Mad Max.  THEY will be driving the motorcycles and operating the big guns. 
5% of the people are there because they are being forced, either by a medical professional OR because their spouse bought them a gym membership and is threatening to never buy another gift again because they didn't use it.  
3% of the people work there, so they feel obligated to try to look good on their off hours. 
2% of the people are there because their friend dragged them there and after 20 minutes on the stepper are vowing to NEVER return. 
1% of the people are like us and there to work out.  )

Step 9: Recover from set-backs. You will get hurt, have to go to a insane amount of weddings and related parties so you can’t exercise, have to take off two or three days to drive to Chicago to meet Michael Shanks and hope to Athena that he doesn’t notice your flab from not lifting for a few days...., well, you get the point.  Don’t let it get you down.  Dust yourself off and start from the beginning again, pump up the music and roll.  
Step 10: You will still need wine.  Studies show that people that drink wine are more athletic.  No lie!! If the friend of mine that found that article is reading, post it please so these people will believe me.  And while red is better, and even better Spanish red, white will do as well. Just have it handy. Oh and beware.  Once you start to defat, you can only tolerate so much wine.... you were warned.  

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