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Thursday, June 28, 2012

How to Raise Kids

How to Raise your Kids
Subtitle: Because, as a teacher, I’m kinda sick of doing it for you. And as a parent, I feel the need to share this with others. 
Step 1:  To have to not to have? Ok, let’s preface this entire entry with the most important question of all, Should I have children?  Now, before you answer this question, let me throw out a few things for you.  First, they will destroy your body/wife’s body, in ways that only plastic surgery can correct.  Second, you will not sleep for 18+ years. Third, these boogers cost roughly the amount of four Lambourgini’s just to get them to age 16. Fourth, you will forever be saying “I need to see if I can get a sitter.”  Does this all still sound appealing to you??? You sure?? Don’t do this because Grandma Doris wants to see more little ones before she dies, that’s a bad choice.  
Step 2: Make sure you are stable.  By stable, I don’t mean money wise, because as I have mentioned above, they cost more than you can imagine.  You will NEVER be ready for them financially, so just give up that piece of TV talk show advice.  By stable I mean sane.  Don’t wanna waste time here with an explanation.  Here’s a quiz:  See what that says.  (By the way, if you were like, uh, is she serious, a stupid internet quiz and skipped over it, congrats, you are sane.  Proceed breeding.  If not, come back in a few years)
Step 3: Getting pregnant.  Now, I shouldn't need a step to explain how this happens, but if you really need to know I recommend this book, given to Hot Roommate and I by Awesome MIL to share with the kids: .  I would like to add that I, personally, at 31 years old am NOT mature enough to read this myself, much less to my kids, but if you are an adult looking for how this all works, it might be helpful.  It’s very detailed.....down to the tickle....
Step 4:  It starts with the bump.  No, literally, it does.  In fact, while you are pregnant every single freaking thing you eat, drink, or listen to can apparently effect your child.  And, to make matters worse your doctor will give you the book What to Expect When You Are Expecting and everyone will tell you it is the Bible of being pregnant but the truth of the matter is that it will SCARE THE HELL out of you!! Don’t read it!! Just don’t smoke, drink or eat junk food for 9 months.  You’ll live, trust me.  
Step 5:  Parenting a baby.  This is the really fun part because magically every person in a thousand mile radius all of a sudden is an expert on babies.  They want to tell you how to feed them and when, how and where they should sleep, whether or not you should hold them when they cry.  Lemme help you out here, with, of course, a chart.  

Baby Problem
Baby cries
Feed it - and it does not matter if you go boob or not.  The FDA would not approve formula if it killed your child, ok?
You want to sleep.
Baby cries
Change it - Do you like wallowing in your own poop? I didn’t think so. 
You want to sleep.
Baby cries
Cuddle it - I mean, they are cute for a reason right.
You want to sleep. 
Baby cries
Let it sleep with you - They make these lovely little in your bed beds so you don’t squish the bugger, so look, no worries
You want to sleep.
Baby cries
Call your mother- she has got to have something up her sleeve - for God’s sake  you did survive to adulthood somehow!?!?!?
You want to sleep.
Step 6: Parenting the toddler.  Ok, once the little booger stands up, we can call it a toddler.  They are so cute and destructive at this age.  And bold. Very bold.  And smart. Very smart.  They are still little enough that these devious little bastards will use their cuteness as a weapon against you, especially in front of other people.  They will climb up on the ottoman, reach up to your sofa table and knock over an antique bust of Athena made of marble into the floor, look right at you like “So there b$*@ch, put fancy antiques in my reach again” and just when you go to yell, they look at your friends and start to cry like you are beating them daily.  Which you want to. But you can’t.  Instead, buy a chair.  A really really really uncomfortable chair.  Call it the “Naughty Place” like Super Nanny does because that’s just fun to say. Allow them to spend the next two years sitting right there.  
Step 7: Parenting the elementary age, otherwise know as the age of ENDLESS NEEDINESS.  You think baby age was bad..... try 7.  First, to them, you are a complete and total moron and everything you say must be questioned.  Then, when you are trying to enjoy your nightly glass of Spanish wine, they are all over you like a damn puppy, rubbing their face on your arm and you are like is this shit normal and your mom and those stupid what to expect books that I told you not to buy but you did anyway start talking about attachment parenting so you start to doubt yourself... STOP!!! JUST STOP!!! Get up and go get your kids one of two things: A Puppy or a Hobby.  When my daughter wants to do this, again not normal cuddly but this needy-freaky crap, I tell her to get her Guinea Pig. For my son, I pull out the Legos.  Problem solved.  You’re welcome.  
Step 8: Welcome to puberty.  Now as parents we worry to death about puberty, for a variety of reasons, mostly revolving around sex.  Ok, time to scare the crap out of you.  They ALREADY know what it is!! They do!!! Even if they don’t watch a lot of TV, they KNOW!! Back at Step 7!!! Yeah, that thew me for a loop too.  So, don’t worry about “the talk”, you get to have another talk instead.  That talk goes like this:  
Parent: If you kiss a boy/girl your lips will fall off of your face and you will have to paint on a smile like the Joker.  
Child: No mom/dad. I know that’s not true.  
Parent: And, if you go further, well, then you might die on the inside too.  
Child: Mom/Dad, I know what sex is. Can we not talk about this????
Parent (walking to closet): Fine, you know what it is?  I would like to show you and your boyfriend/girlfriend my gun collection.
Trust me, all parents think like this.  Including my celeb love (For new readers, that’d be Michael Shanks, I like to work him in, it’s fun).  In fact, he tweeted something similar and that was the VERY reason that my husband now follows him on Twitter.  Jack’s reasoning “You can like him. He’s a smart man. Wants to kill people that mess with his daughter too...”  all the while stroking his shotgun lovingly (What have I done to my yuppie yankee husband!?!)  
Step 9:  The teen years. Really these are the EASY years; I promise. Just take their spark plugs.  That’s it. And have their friend’s parents do the same.  They can talk smack all they want, stranded on their iPhones in a car they are too stupid to know how to fix.  
Step 10: This is why you need wine..... If you are not a drinker I believe as soon as you stop breastfeeding is a good time to start.  Shoot me an email. I can make recommendations.  They start with Spanish Wine.  

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