How to Win an Election
Subtitle: Obama/Romney you fellas listening?? There’s only a day left.
46 days left. Did you guys SEE The Walking Dead last night? That's some perspective...
Step 1: Get your party’s nomination. There are a few ways to do this but it boils down to being a rich dude with a big mouth. Personally, I would just take to YouTube and Twitter and see how it goes. Hell, this blog isn’t even six months old and has thousands of hits and I don’t even promote it other than Twitter and FaceBook, so OBVIOUSLY that is working. Oh, and guess what? They’re free!!! So you can donate that money you are wasting wooing assholes on real issues, like curing cancer or fixing the economy. You know, shit that matters...
Step 2: Know the Constitution. BACK AND FRONT. Since I’m directing this at the presidential candidates, although the same rules apply in the most basic sense to local officials, Article Two is the section you need to know. It’s quite simple, each and every time your opponent accuses you of something asshatted (like taking away guns or birth control pills) you can read out loud the powers given to a president and then refer voters to the congressional elections, because those bitches are slinking in all quiet and doing the real damage.
Step 3: Let’s also stop talking about your humble beginnings. This is not 1950 and you did not start you life working in a sweatshop 14 hours at day at age ten. You didn’t and in this age of the internet we can all look it up and see that you didn’t. And, to top, since I’m speaking of American elections, life here isn’t easy, so there’s nothing that you can say that’s going to make me feel sorry for you because chances are I lived it, my neighbor lived it and because of CONGRESS my kids are gonna live it even harder. This does not make you relate to me, because rich or poor a good smart person is a good smart person regardless of income.
Step 4: Take five minutes to meet with a high school debate coach before your next debate because what YOU guys are doing on TV is not a debate, it’s a Jerry Springer episode with people using big words that they really do not know how to use. Once, just once, I want one of you guys to look into the camera and in true Lincoln/Douglass style rip your opponent apart for not answered the question they were just asked. Like THIS: http://debatepedia.idebate.org/en/index.php/Standards:Lincoln-Douglas_Debate . Hell, I can coach you. I used to do that too.
Step 5: Stop the ads on TV. There is nothing more annoying than watching Rick Grimes get his zombie whacking on to immediately change to a bunch of fake housewives discussing the state of the economy like popping out kids suddenly makes them experts on economics. People with PhD’s in economics can’t even figure this mess out, what in the hell makes you think I’m gonna to believe June Clever?? And you just broke up my zombie groove, so now I am pissed at you. TV Ad fail.
Step 6: And speaking of TV, stop going on late night talk shows. No one thinks you’re cool and to be honest the people in this country don’t want cool because if we did we would vote for Conan O’Brien not YOU because you are on his show. We want someone competent, not leaning crazy radical one way or another, who can stand in front of the UN and make those people forget that your citizens find Honey Boo Boo to be entertainment. Period. Just Stop Trying.
Step 7: Stop sending out mailers. Stop. Stop. This is insane. Instead go on TV, live TV, like host a flash mob or something. Stand on a podium and say “Hi, my name is so-and-so. You know my opponent? He keeps sending you annoying shit in the mail that’s wasteful, kills tress etc. It cost him/her $_____. I’m not going to send mailers. Instead, I’m going to feed the homeless.” Because guess what, if you did that, I’d vote for you. HANDS DOWN.
Step 8: Stop robo-calling me, all freaking day long, using up my cell phone minutes, interrupting my dinners. STOP. Because every time one of your people calls me and asks me who I’m voting for, I’m giving you the exact opposite of what you want to hear just to fuck with your numbers. Think I’m the only one? Nope, most nerds are. Remember, when we get drunk we change WIkipedia...
Step 9: Go and actually meet the people. Yes, I understand the need for security and having visits planned, but anyone with a half of a brain knows that those rallies are so staged it’s just sad. I want you to get in a car, drive your damn self to my neighborhood, walk up to my door and shake my hand like I matter, because I do. Without me sir, you wouldn’t have a job because the rich people need average folks like me to buy their shit and make them rich. They seem to have forgotten that. You need not to.
Step 10: Yeah, I know, the election is tomorrow and as you have scanned this list you are thinking, shit, I did all of that. All of that. Oh well, too late now. So just sit back, grab a bottle of Spanish wine and wait for the results because I’m pretty much thinking that me and mine are moving to Canada. Because they have free health care. Nice people. Do NOT watch Honey Boo Boo. And they have Michael Shanks, and to be honest, that should be reason enough.