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Thursday, November 22, 2012

How To Do Thanksgiving Dinner


How To Do Thanksgiving Dinner
Subtitle: So in reality my mom does most of this but I kinda get roped in. Then I cook another for some of my closest friends. I am a glutton for punishment. 

Step 1: Plan your menu. Do not use Pinterest. Ok, I’m gonna be frank with you for a moment here, so sit down and grab a whiskey (disregard step 10).  Pinterest is a ploy. It is a ploy by companies and business to make you think that you have Martha Stewart talents when in reality you burn water. I really think it works something like this small flow chart below:

Walmart decides it has an abundance of apples this season --------> Contacts a mommy blogger (those annoying perfect life ones not funny ones like me XD) and says if we give you a bazillion apples and $25 can you make something and take a picture of it post it online and tell everyone it was easy and only cost you $1 to make -------> Mommy blogger says SURE - $25 is SOOO MUCH money to LIE to other mothers and I an going to call my brigade of soap watchers over with me so we can make working moms feel bad ------> 72 non stop painstaking hours later the picture of the one apple that worked is put on Pinterest. 

No offense to stay at home mommies. I used to be one of you. It’s the bitches above I hate. 

Step 2: Shop. This takes some creativity. You don’t want to get everything at Walmart, because clever price match ads or not, they do not have the cheapest price. Here is really how you can save the most money (at least around here) 

  • Turkey + $25 of the canned/box food items - Regular Grocery store as the bird will be like $8 if you buy the other $25 worth of stuff there.

  • Remainder of boxed/pre-packaged goods - Walmart - bring that ad to price match.

- Fresh Stuff - Farm stand down the road. 

Just don’t take your kids with you, for the love of all things holy and sacred. Think I’m joking? I bought candy corn and swedish fish for the pumpkin pie and seven cans of green beans for one casserole. And no mushroom soup. Or pie crust. No, I’m not going on Pinterest to make it from scratch. 

Step 3: Get a glass of wine. And to think, I was all worried about not drinking as much and here I am just a chugging away on which glass is this, two, three of wine that I started back at step one. Sure, you can cook tipsy, remember the Mexican Food entry? And FYI start with white wine while you are cooking, a German or Australian Riesling. Because, what you do, as any mom does, is start picking and nibbling and picking and nibbling and I have learned from experience. Red wine is harder to clean up when you barf. 

Step 4: The bird. We’re reading this blog to keep this simple, right? Buy a turkey bag. Google it. Right now. (Remember I am lazy you can find this yourself). All you do it thaw that gobbler, pull out the head and guts from inside (Don’t forget this, please - I was the laughing stock of about, well, every Thanksgiving for over five years because I forgot this important step when I was hosting my first dinner at 21 and you asshats are just lucky I invited you and still do so shut up). Don’t not just pop it in the oven as you will have Hot Roommate hovering all over it all day so you don’t get to enjoy that for once you both have a damn day off and don’t let Hot Roommate plus your Pseudo-brother deep fry it. Frying the turkey might be tasty but it is unhealthy and results in your sitting on the porch drinking your second bottle of wine hoping that they do not blow themselves up or launch the bird into orbit. On second thought, this wine is good.  Continue boys...

Step 5: The sides. Get the box. Really, because these Pinterest bitches keep going on and on about how good this recipe is that they got on Pinterest, how much fun it is to spend their lives cooking and wiping asses blah blah blah but really, people like Stove Top. They like canned gravy. Companies spend MILLIONS of dollars on making sure people will eat this. Go ahead, fuss, call the healthy eating and organic police on me but  do you really think the AMOUNT of what you are eating today is good, healthy or not? You CAN get fat for eating too much healthy food too genius. Check Wikipedia. Because if you think that making organic pie is a better alternative to regular pie, you are probably the type of person that thinks that Wikipedia is true. Which, though, in this case, it is. 

Step 6: Dessert.  BUY THEM. Seriously, there has got to be a Marching Band fundraiser around here somewhere!!?! I tried, I really did. I got a weight watchers recipe for filling, got low fat crust, made the filling, poured it in the crust, went to the bathroom and Adorable Nerd has poured candy corn into the damn thing. And it’s Wednesday and I’m not going back to Walmart- that is suicide. No, I’m NOT making a pie from scratch. I have already tried to explain to you that I am not Martha Stewart. Nor am I Michael Shanks who WHAT THE FRAK YOU ARE THE HOTTEST MAN ALIVE AND HILARIOUS AND COOK PIES FROM SCRATCH FOR YOUR FAMILY IT IS JUST NOT FAIR!! (finished, I promise - but really? Can this crush get worse?). I can’t bake, ok? I can make one type of Mexican cake and it takes hours and I’m too drunk to start right now. Sara Lee it is....

Step 7: Serving. So, when you got married your in-laws insisted that you get a set of china and crystal and take grandma’s silver set for special occasions just like this. Don’t waste the time or money or energy. You will use this ONCE, the same year you leave the head in the turkey and never again because you realize that this shit cannot go in the dishwasher and you hate dishes and you do not wear a blue dress. I have one word for you friends: Chinet. They even make it now with cute little printed turkeys. 

Step 8: The prayer. Ok, I have included this step because for me year after year it is the most awkward part of the meal. I’m atheist and have been for a while. I have had to hide it from my family for years but I think they know, hell, my uncle is a minister, so it is really awkward to sit there and listen to you go on and on thanking God for hot coffee and low costs manicures. If there was a God, I am pretty damn sure that he is spending more time worried about children getting maimed in third world countries and not worried about your car, but I digress. As a scout leader I have a prayer I would like to suggest, a real prayer, that I do with my scouts. 

Oh, the lord is good to me
And so I thank the lord
For giving me the things I need 
The sun and the rain and the appleseeds
The lord is good to me

 Girl Scouts includes all religions and creeds and I have NEVER heard of this offending or making anyone uncomfortable. EVER. Rant over. 

Step 9: The meal. Ok, so TV has taught us that we’re all supposed to gather around the table with a cute little centerpiece and a candle. Dude, this is 2012. First, no one can afford a house with a room like that anymore thanks to lazy people. Second, we have like 22 people at our Thanksgiving. 22! What do we do? We watch Christmas comedies. And quote them. Every year. Like word for word. And then we have the SAME conversation. Verbatim. 

And I enjoy every minute of it. EVERY MINUTE. 

Step 10: Clean up time. Now, if you took my advice it is Chinet to trash and leftover on other Chinet to send out of the door. But you didn’t. You never do unless I say start drinking at step one. So, get a beer and start washing. Just don’t start insulting your helpers, calling your men dish fairies and whatnot. Clean fast. Brew coffee. You need to sober up. 

Shopping starts in a few short hours....
Bring. It. On. 

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