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Saturday, March 31, 2012

How to Survive a 10K

How to Survive a 10K 
Subtitle: How to go from PPD fattie to fit mama in only 365 days!
Step 1: Go to the Ashland Strawberry Faire. No lie, this was the start of all of this insanity.  Because at the Faire two things will happen: 
  1. You will see pretty jewelry and comment to your daughter about it.  Daughter will tell you that is for girls.  You will call her silly.  She will inform you that she has two daddies because you are fat and look like a boy.  You will leave jewelry booth empty handed.
  2. As you are leaving the Faire, remembering the days when you were tournament fighting and karate hot, you will meet two nice senior citizens who think asking a fat chick to run a 5K race is something you normally do.  They give you a brochure that even your husband chuckles at.  This pisses you off further.  
Step 2: When you arrive home, storm upstairs to the attic and find pictures.  Pictures of yourself in karate uniforms and remember that you have been pretty darn athletic most of your life.  Look in the mirror and realize that you no longer recognize the person standing there.  Get even more angry.
Step 3:  Make an appointment for a physical. This time, when your doctor starts using those fancy words like ‘obese’ and ‘cholesterol’, which are just code for ‘you have been coming here for years and you used to be cute and now you are a Beluga whale’ inform said patient doctor you are ready to not be that fat chic anymore.  Actually read information doctor gives you.  
Step 4: Tell your friends and family what you are doing.  You will need support.  However, you must keep in mind that they will ask why? as if being healthy is some crazy notion.  ‘I am doing this for myself’ does not fly for some reason.  You have to be MUCH more inventive.  I went with ‘I want to be small enough to fit into a Mord Sith costume (you might want to google that) so I can go to a Stargate convention and steal Michael Shanks away from his wife.’ Believe it or not, people bought that.  Some still do. I just want to go to the convention at this point to tell him, “Hey, you wanna hear something funny?” and see if he poses for an insane picture with me to screw with people.  I think he is just crazy enough that he might....
Step 5: Start training.  Not Rocky training; you people know that was a movie, right? Use the internet (I mean you are here, right, looking for advice from me ha!).  I started with Couch to 5K and added in weights.  You literally WALK in the beginning.  Yes people, walk, that thing you did toward the TV before remotes were invented (Wow - I just aged myself....).  
Step 5A: Get a good MP3 player, an iPod, something and create a play list that pumps you up.  I could make recs, but I have been informed that my taste is music is odd and makes no sense ;-) It doesn’t..... sigh...
Step 6: Register for insane things you would have never done before, like the Monument Avenue 10K.  Do it late at night after some Spanish wine so you cannot talk yourself out of it.  (Have you guys gotten that Spanish wine yet? Seriously, I cannot stress its importance enough).  Post the registration on your fridge with the cost highlighted. Highlighting the cost will make you feel like crap if you don’t do it because you could have spent that money on something else because holy cow I had no idea how much those races cost!! 
Step 7: Create something for you to focus on during the race.  I got a little plastic bottle and solicited good lucks and encouraging words from my friends and family to roll up and put in the bottle to carry with me during the race.  And Michael Shanks.  Yep, got a good luck tweet from him, oh yeah.... Called me a masochist. Sad part is that I think he’s right.....
Step 8: Run the race.  Drag your butt out of bed, chug a protein shake and go. And wait.  Your internal dialog might go something like this.  Oh dear lord, how many people are here.  What? This is the 15th largest race in the world.  What am I doing? Is there a wine shop around here? Wait! They just called my group number, oh God that is the starting line.  Go! What? Now?!?
Step 9: Run the race.  Just keep running.  After this experience I HIGHLY recommend Nikki Minaj - she is now my hero.  I honestly got through the last miles because of her.  High five every child you pass, don’t turn down the water station and run. Run, looking for your family, your friends. Try not to cry when you see the finish line.  
Step 9A: Go home and stuff your face.  Open some Spanish wine :-) 
Step 10:  Wake up Sunday and call a seamstress.  You have a Mord Sith costume to order.....


  1. I just want to saw you are funny as hell and I just about peed myself on Claire's (de?)motivational speech to you. And most importantly congratulations, you have come a long way. Does Clair say she has a mommy and a daddy now instead of two daddys?

  2. Im gonna follow in your footsteps. I can do it. I know I can. I think. maybe. I know I can drink the wine.