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Monday, February 4, 2013

How to Create Shenanigans

How to Create Shenanigans
Subtitle: I was using this word WAY before Mr. Canadian Hot Pants said it last week which makes him all the more creepy.
Subsubtitle: Ok, so this is kinda of a movie review, but I think straight reviews are boring. 

Step 1: Check Twitter. Go home from a nice dinner, get comfy, put on your PJ's, decide to absorb yourself into something stupid on Netflix and see on Twitter that people are going to see 'Mama' which is supposedly SO scary that people are LEAVING the theatre. 

Oh my Athena!

It's been way too long since you saw GOOD horror, not canned crap for stupid people. People are leaving?? 


Step 2: Gather your crew. Always start with Hot Roommate (or YOUR other, not mine) because he's fun.  After all, if you didn't marry somebody fun you made a huge mistake. However it is only an offer because once you start explaining the film Hot Roommate will ask you to no longer explain, that he's not going. Call your close friend (Pseudo Brother) that watches the same kinda scary mess as you. The conversation will go like this:

Me: Hey, wanna go see Mama?
PB: When?
Me: At ten. 
PB: It's nine fifteen. How are you gonna get here? You live in the boonies.
Me: Whatever. Be at your place in 20 minutes. Get dressed. 
PB: I'm not responsible for any tickets. 

Hey hey, I got my first speeding ticket only a few weeks ago. I've learned my lesson, I'm much more careful now. 

I realized that cop cars are smaller than you think and you need to slow down near signs. 

P.S. Kidnap your sister. She's even more fun now that she's almost a college student. 

Step 3: ...

"How do I get to your place?"
"How long have you guys been friends and you can't get to his place?"
"He moves a lot." 
"I do NOT. Like twice in twelve years. She just has no memory." 
"Sister you're a bad friend." 
"Just tell me how to get there." 
"Where are you?"
"Passing the elementary school."
"That's the OTHER WAY."
"What!?! I'm lost."
"No you're not, you're just hopeless. Keep straight to the next light." 
"Uh, we're gonna be late."
"This is why I never drive." 
"I hate being late to a movie."
"So do I." 
"Does anyone care that I am lost?" 
"You are not lost. Just, never mind. Right at the light." 

See ^... shenanigans

Step 4: Notice the details. Here are some of the more exciting details I noticed in the first fifteen minutes of 'Mama'

a. It stars Jamie Lannister (a.k.a. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) - YUMMY  (Seriously HBO have you not recognized that Michael Shanks would also be a HAWT choice for your programming. I can't abide this sensitive shit you Canadian programmers keep putting him in.)
b. It takes places in RICHMOND & VIRGINIA!!! #RVA REPRESENT!!! 
c. DEL TORO. As a Spanish teacher and fan of Pan's Labyrinth words cannot express how excited I was too see that name. 
d. Oh wait...there are a lot of names of Spanish language origin...*peeks at compadres*...maybe I should warn them....

Step 5: Holy shit that monster is scary! Wait, we are less than 20 minutes in and there it is!! And it breaks necks none of this stupid gore for the sake of that really makes no damn sense shit....AWESOME. 

But I have to ask...cherries? Is there some symbolism?? *takes out phone, sees usher with flashlight, hides phones*

(Looked it up later, symbol of good deeds which considering how this story played out is FANTASTIC irony. Well done Del Toro, well done). 

Step 6: Wait, what!?!? Did Jamie Lannister (I have stopped calling him Lucas, his character's name b/c I cannot focus on anything other than the new season of Game of Thrones) just DIE right now?? This is NOT a Michael Shanks movie people, the main character does not just die. 

Ok, he lived. 
Wait, how the fuck did he live?
Seriously, I would like a fake doctor with a fake chart to explain this to me. 
And feed Jessica Chastain a cheeseburger. 
She looks like Evil Lynn. 

This is Evil Lynn. Note the cheekbones make her look skeletal because she works for Skeletor.

If we are trying to emulate He-Man characters she SHOULD look like this:

This is Teela. Note that while she is thin and sexy that she does not have a sunken in starved face.

Step 7: I can't concentrate. Every single time they say "Richmond" I'm squeeing like an idiot. I just cannot get over the use of Richmond, VA in TV and movies lately, it's just so exciting that I'm actually screaming at this ghost thing jumping out at me (I DON'T get scared by stuff like this, all of this Richmond is distracting me) and my sister is practically in my lap and my amigo to my right yelling out "Oh dear god." 

To be honest, I'm WWAAAYYY more creeped out by the younger sister. 
THAT is gonna give me nightmares...

By the way, that's not chocolate on her face. It's MOTH. Ass-nasty. 

Step 8: I forgot to warn you, didn't I? Remember the whole Spanish name that Jamie Lannister is awake, not ONE damn thing broken WTH, Evil Lynn is STILL with the kids and he's having a awake dream that he cannot distinguish from reality from his twin brother who is contorting unnaturally under a bridge that my friend beside me swears he has driven under and is summarily creeped out. This my friends is Magic Realism. If you are not familiar with it, please visit HERE: What is Magic Realism? Basic synopsis = Magic Realism blurs the lines between reality and fantasy in a story only to come to the conclusion that no lines really exist at all.

Sorry, AP/IB teacher nerd moment.
I want Daniel Jackson as my person slave.
There, back to normal.

Step 9: I need to have my blog How to Survive a Horror Movie sent to all major movie studios. The awesomeness of the magic realism touches in this film or not (I mean this is getting pretty mixed with the realities and while some people are still screaming in the theatre others are no longer amused...) you need to recognize that breaking the rules I have mentioned above will get you killed. Period.

Oh and telling someone "I love you" is the kiss of death.
Like having sex.
That's what I meant when I shouted that out in the theatre you perverts.

Step 10: I need gas but the station is closed so I can't get wine too. Probably best, they only sell Moscato anyway. Time to head back to the boonies.

I've probably got some Spanish in the cabinet.
But hand to Dionysus if I moth comes out of that drawer I'm gonna shit myself. 


  1. Just need to the HeMan reference! Thank you, on behalf of every 80's child reading this :) next blog needs some ThunderCats ;)

  2. Nice to know you yelled out about sex in the movie theater...if I was in the theater, I would have been crying from laughing. Did they mention any male parts in the movie?

    And the Evil-Lynn reference...bwahahahahaha! Excellent!!! :-)

    And yes, Shanks needs to be in more non-Canadian productions.