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Monday, May 21, 2012

How to Properly Use Social Media

How to Properly Use Social Media
Subtitle: Brianne’s Humor 101 - Don’t ever take anything that seriously.  
Step 1:  Understand social media.  What is social media? Social Media, by definition is: “forms of electronic communication (as Web sites for social networking and microblogging) through which users create online communities to share information, ideas, personal messages, and other content (as videos)” (Thank you Merriam Webster online).  Or, in normal people words, we don’t like to talk to real people anymore, so we do it online but not even in a direct damn fashion.  Social media, in reality, was invented to connect like minded people that might have passed each other in life and to network for professional ventures. Don’t believe me? Google the founders of ANY social media outlet, I guar-an-damn-tee that their intention was NOT for people to share what they were eating for dinner, their location every five seconds or to beg for money.  
Step 2:  Know your social media. In this step, we shall begin with Facebook.  Facebook is probably the most used form of social media. You can share photos, events, how you are feeling and games with your friends, neighbors and complete strangers in foreign countries.  While you can fill it with a LOT of personal information, there should be a limit to said information.  People have forgotten what kinds of things are private and what kinds of things are not.  Your money problems, private.  Your marital status, private. Your sex life, private.  I don’t want to know about ANY of that, nor do I want to share it with you.  In fact, I am one of those people who will post fake crap concerning those three areas above and more just to screw with you.  
Step 3:  And, on that note, let’s continue with Facebook shall we? Why step 3? Because this needs it’s own step.  If you spilt up with your significant other and are NOT 15 years old, you should NOT go to Facebook FIRST to change your status. Facebook was designed for college students that had nothing else better to do than try to get laid. In fact, the simple fact that “It’s complicated” is an option in relationship bothers me to no end, hence the reason why every chance I get to mess with my awesome husband, I change said status to play with him.  He does it too people, you just aren’t friends with him! This is not to diss my friends who are so sweet and worry about me when I make said crazy changes (or even better when I marry myself off to Michael Shanks / Daniel Jackson who some people thought was my REAL boyfriend LOL - I wish...) The sad part is that you kind sweet people think jokes like I make are real because stupid people are using this to air their dirty laundry, which is not why it was invented.  Keep that crap to yourself or unfriend me. 
Step 4: Facebook, continued.  I am really on a roll here, aren’t I? If I am going to offend, I might as well go full tilt.  Now, the next thing that drives me crazy on Facebook are causes.  Don’t get me wrong, I fully support your cancer run, etc. and will be happy to contribute when I can, but some of your other causes.... that I won’t mention.  Let me put it to you this way, as long as there are starving children and people dying due to a lack of health insurance, I really can’t care about much else. So, you can post it, but don’t tag me in it or put it on my wall because I might tell you how I really feel.  
Step 5:  Facebook, partie quatre. Bragging.  Now, aside from the “I’m in the bathroom right now” and/or “Life sucks. Why does life hate me, screw the world” status people, on the other end of the spectrum we have the braggarts. The ‘my life is peaches and cream perfect’ and I am going to brag about every vacation, shopping trip, life achievement, etc. every five freakin seconds so much so that you want to unfriend me.  You know these people; we all have them in our lists.  This is DIFFERENT from sharing good news with your network, these people look like they artfully craft each and every post to rub in your face how good their life is.  For you people understand this, we are not idiots.  We know you are crazily insecure and need those strokes to your ego.  And we aren’t jealous of you when you post that crap; we just feel sorry for you... (P.S. For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook I only post such things for a) my inlaws because they live 600 miles away and it is easier than calling all of them or b) in smartass retaliation for some else’s stupidity in breaking above the mentioned rules). 
Step 6:  Twitter.  Thought I was going to continue ranting about Facebook, didn’t you? Nope, we are going to move on to the latest trend in media.  Twitter was meant to send short snippets of information to a list of followers.  And stalk celebrities.  Who are using it to self-promote. Which is what it was intended for.  It is not for making friends, keeping friends or anything else that would replace normal human interaction.  I like to read about what people I admire are doing and yes I do tweet to Mr. Canadian Hot Pants and yes he has answered me, more than once, but I do not think that this means I will actually ever be friends with this man nor does it mean that you are friends with who you are tweeting to and/or who tweets you back.  Honestly, I see the purpose as small sarcastic texts sent to an audience.  That’s it. I tweet through Game of Thrones to make fun of each and every little insane detail to amuse myself, and others.  So, if you are doing any of the same things that you are doing in the above mentioned Facebook steps, stop.  It makes you look stupid.

Step 7: Blogs.  Ok, yes, it’s ironic that I am going to blast blogs while writing a blog, but isn’t that the point in this to be ironic.  Or sarcastic.  See, I am trying to teach how my sense of humor works.  Blogging is very cathartic, I know, almost as cathartic as my cheesy stories I write or watching ‘The Wiener's Circle” with my husband (Have you guys seen that? CLASSIC) and while you can blog about what you want, please keep in mind a few things.  Blogs are PUBLIC.  PUBLIC.  People can hunt you down and stalk you if you put on there your freakin location, etc. AND/OR people can search for your your entries and FIND out creepy crap about you.  I have seen blogs that have about every piece of personal information known to mankind but your Social Security number and then you go gripin on Facebook (back to Facebook - see - it all goes back to freakin’ Facebook) that you have weirdoes messaging you OR had your idenitiy stolen.  Can we be smart about this people, ok? 
Step 8:  Now to explain Brianne’s sense of humor (For the humorless and the insanely kind whose friendship I greatly appreciate) 

Social Media Outlet
How it was intended to be used
How Bri uses it
Began as a college student directory (primarily for dating) and expanded to be a directory to track down friends.  
To let long-distance friends and relatives know how my family is doing and to amuse myself by posting insane statuses (stati - what’s the correct plural here) 
To send text messages to a small group of people rather than doing that select all crap with your phone. 
To make fun of things and tweet Michael Shanks. In neither case am I ever really being serious.  
Short, online articles used by publishers to entice further reading.  
Can’t you see the description above.  Basically, I want to be a smart aleck. Ergo, you need to not take ANY of this seriously. 
For people to make small, photo and video based websites dedicated to a topic
Don’t use this, ain’t got the time.  Would LOVE to have the time, but I barely get papers graded, house cleaned and children fed. 
To create boards where things you want to remember are logged for later use
To make a list of fantasy dresses I want custom made that I would legit wear in public AND post pictures of Mr. Canadian Hot Pants. 
Step 9: More on Brianne’s humor part 2.  I am NOT an alcoholic.  It’s a joke.  In fact, there are like 2 bottles of Spanish wine in there.  Unopened.  That might not get opened until this weekend, if I feel like it.  And, since I work out like a freak, I probably won’t feel like it.  Don’t lecture me; I am trying to be funny. If if weren’t for those buckle-hatted bastards we wouldn’t even be having this conversation, would we?
Step 10: Michael Shanks. Thought we’d get to him sooner, didn’t we?  Let’s lay this out there.  I NEVER had a celeb crush as a kid, no Teen Beat or Tiger Pop mags, never.  I got my first and ONLY celeb crush at 30 years old.  Do I think he is a great actor? Yes.  Do I think he is the hottest man on the planet? Yes. Do want to meet him? Yes. Do I plan to run away to Canada to throw myself at him? No, that’s stupid.  It is stupid that people even think that.  In fact, the reason I mention him so much is that it has become an inside joke between me and my husband of 8 years. He thinks it’s funny, and if he thinks it’s funny, then we’re fine.  Again, it is a joke, you people need to take it easy.  And, on the off chance he is reading this and ever gets to this entry - joking aside, I think you are really awesome and would like to buy you a drink :-) 

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