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Monday, May 7, 2012

How to Handle Stressful Situations


How to Handle Stressful Situations
Subtitle: How not to punch a *&%#$ in the $#&*@%#!
Again, a request.  I hope it is enjoyed.  
Step 1:  Take a deep breath.  That’s right, breathe in and out. In and out, in and out.  In yoga we use a thing called Ujjayi breath. It is very calming and very relaxing. However, for some folks, breathing just does not work.  Instead, keeping with the theme of yoga, which I believe can cure all ills in life (Except for Michael Shanks obsessions; still trying to find a cure for that) you will need a mantra.  Try this one: “Bail rates are too high.  Bail rates are too high.”  
Step 2: Identify the problem.  Why do you want to slap a (five letter word that is the biologically accurate name for a female dog)? There are really only two possible sources of the problem, so we shall examine them both.  Read carefully, the instructions here can get a bit tricky.  
If the problem is YOUR fault, please go to Step 3.  
If the problem is THEIR fault, please go to Step 4. 
If the problem is NO ONE’S FAULT, please get your Spanish wine.  Proceed drinking immediately.  Because it is usually someone’s fault.  The wine should help clear things up.  
If the problem is related to man-neediness, please see my previous post.  
Step 3:  The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.  You acted like an asshat (thanks to a certain good friend for this new word of the season).  Your friend has called you out on your asshattery (adaption of a new goodie).  Have you called them out on any past asshattedness (see how fun this is)? Or would you feel the need to call them out on future actions as an asshatter (I am going for a new record here for vocabulary inventiveness)? If the answer is yes, suck it up, apologize if necessary and go get that Spanish wine.  That should dull the pain. 
Step 4:  It’s their fault isn’t it? Which is why step 3 was so brief (I knew you were going to read it anyway. Hoped you enjoyed the new vocabulary section ;-) ) Chances are that it IS their fault, most likely because they are stupid.  Which many many many people are. And I am not speaking of stupid like can’t do higher math stupid because that is not stupid. I mean, thinking that duck face is a sexy face stupid.  Enter the next lane on the interstate where the speed limit is 75 mph without a signal and then flick me off for not reading your mind stupid.  I mean put your dog in a baby stroller and act like it is your baby stupid.  You need to accept that some people are just stupid and learn to identify stupid in the future.  That will be a later entry.  For now, just make sure you understand that they are stupid.  
Step 5: So, if the person against whom you want to open an entire can of Chuck Norris (Michael Shanks might be my love but Chuck Norris is my hero) on is stupid, which as we have discussed they probably are, you need to figure out how not to punch them. As mentioned, refreshing your memory on the costs of bailing oneself out of jail is a good start.  But what if you, like me, have that list of people that would bail you out of jail running through your head. You know that list of friends that will come no matter what you did? Wait, you don’t have that list? This is not just for trashy people; I have seen a perfectly nice quiet mother go completely wackadoodle the moment she felt her little cub was threatened. I think we need a step 5a for a moment, a mini how to....
Step 5a: How to make your bail list.  You will need three people on this list who will: 
  1. Answer the phone 24 hours a day.You only get one phone call, remember? Don’t you watch Law & Order? 
  2. Be responsible enough to hold onto emergency bail money or know how to obtain said monies.
  3. Be willing to pawn something of their own should emergency cash be an impossibility. 
  4. Be willing to NOT call your significant other or parent or both until you have been freed. 
Keep this list handy and these people’s numbers in your cell phone.  Mine know who they are.  And I thank all three of you.  
Step 6: So, I didn’t feel like going over step 5 again since jail in reality should be enough to dissuade you.  However, in the case it is not, consider this series of cause and effect (a nice refresher of elementary school social studies). 
You punch a you-know-what in the you-know-where → you get arrested → your arrest becomes public record → your boss finds out → you get fired due to some morality clause that you signed stating that you would not act like a cast member of the Jersey Shore → you no longer have money which means no TV, internet, smart phone, home, food and a bunch of other crap you are used to having → you move back in with your parents...
Do I really need to say more? My mom is one of my best friends but I think I would pop a tent in a public park before I would ever move back in with her. Just sayin’ . 
Step 7: On the off chance that the possibility of losing your freedom, job, money, home and/or dignity does not deter you from slapping a $%&@*, let’s try another angle. $%&@* might hit back.  We didn’t consider that one did we? I mean have you ever been hit/punched/slapped/kicked? I have, a lot. (These are not Jersey Shoreish experiences, these are legit martial arts training experiences but regardless, that shit hurts.) It is not pleasant in the least.  And, for the women out there, it leaves a nasty mark.  I honestly think that martial arts is why I did not wear make-up until my 30’s because up until then I was usually in a continual state of bruising due to sparring matches.  Do you want to cover that up? It takes a LOT of make-up and makes people want to call the cops because they will think you are being abused. Didn’t think so...
Step 8: Maybe you need a better consequence.  Here you go: (Fill in the head of your religion here) SAID (some version of ) “turn the other cheek.”  See, even your deity says not to do this.  And depending on your religion, slapping this $%&@* might even result in a trip to Hades/Hell/Limbo/Underworld or what have you.  Regardless of your belief system, I have been to art museums.  That place doesn’t look too inviting.  I doubt that have Spanish wine. Or Michael Shanks (actually, wait, his mouth might get him in there, his beautiful foul mouth............... damn distracting man!!!). To me the absence of either would be hell alone.  
Step 9:  However, as all of my fellow teachers have learned, punishment does not always work. Some people need positive reinforcement.  Here it is: If you do not punch a $%&@* in the mouth that will make you the better person.  That’s right; restraint elevates you automatically to a superior status. I mean, they are stupid already, so you were already intellectually superior and this will now add to that a level of moral superiority.  Doesn’t that make you feel better? 
Step 10: Still can’t take it?  Fine, get out your smartphone and hit record on the camera.  Punch a $%&@*. Post on YouTube.  When you get 1,000,000 hits and advertisers start contacting you for rights to post on your video, well, that should cover bail and the attorney’s fees.  

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