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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

How to be an Independent Woman

**Warning - some items in the blog may be offensive. Please remember, my purpose is comedy **

Carry on...

How to Be an Independent Woman
Subtitle: Sorry boys, but I need to talk about man-neediness
Step 1:  Get a mirror.  This in an important exercise in self recognition.  You need to know who you are dealing with before we begin.  Now, mirror in place, look deep into your own reflection and repeat the following mantras.  There are three on them, don’t skip any and do not skip ahead.  
Mantra 1: I am NOT Angelina Jolie. (Unless of course Angie if you are reading this in which case you are a goddess). This mantra is to bring you back to reality.  Angelina is PAID to look that good.  This does not mean that you are not beautiful, but you do not have a team of make-up people that make you look like that.  Accept reality. You may stop repeating this mantra once you accept reality. 
Mantra 2: I am NOT Freddy Krueger. Honey you are NOT ugly.  You are not Angie, but you are NOT ugly.  You deserve nice things and a nice life and a nice person.  You are beautiful inside and out.  Repeat until you clue the hell in.  
Mantra 3: I do not need a man. I do not need a man.  I do not need a man.  (Keep on going - this one may take a while) 
Step 2: Now that we have spent our time at the mirror, we need to discuss what exactly “man neediness” is.  By definition, “man neediness” is when every freakin waking thought is about a man in your life, a man that was in your life, wanting a man in your life, man, man, man, boo, hoo, woe is me, are we meant to be, do you think we will last, whine, cry, complain to the point that NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.  
Is this you? Then, by all means, please keep reading. If this is not you, keep reading anyway, you might be amused. 
Step 3:  Determine why you feel that you need this man.  I have constructed this handy chart to help you.  

Reason you think you need a man
Real reason you have this issue
Non-man alternative
He makes me happy. 
I cannot occupy myself. 
Get a puppy. 
He does things for me.
I am lazy.
Get off of your butt and learn to change a tire.  It is really not that difficult. 
He makes me feel pretty.
I think that chicks in magazines are not airbrushed and have not spent twice my annual salary on cosmetic surgery. 
Book a boudoir photo session.  Pay to have someone take sexy pics of you. Put them on Facebook every freaking day so people will tell you how pretty you are since you apparently need to hear that every freaking day. 
I am supposed to be married by now.  
You watched too much TV as a child. 
Stop watching TV.  That is not real.  You are not supposed to do anything in life but pay taxes and die.  
Other people think I am pathetic.
Your daddy did not pay enough attention to you.  
Go to old folks home. Find a daddy. You may not marry him. 
This is a PG blog
This is a PG blog
Step 4: You do not need a man.  
Step 5: The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama (forgive this list I DO NOT watch these kinds of films, unless Michael Shanks does them, which he does not, so we are fine, see, I even managed to fit him into a blog about man neediness without discounting my own undying adoration for him. :-) ) Wait? Where was I? (Damn distracting Michael Shanks) Oh yeah, romance movies are not real. NOT real.  Men are men. They just are. Most of my friends are men.  They are not acting; that’s just the way they are.  Accept it and move on.  And stop watching those damn movies.  Science Fiction is much better. Start with Battlestar Galactica. It is like SciFi with a touch of romance. Might make a nice transition. 
Step 6: You do not need a man. Do not go into that bar.  Trust me, the man of your dreams is NOT there. Or on Craigslist.  Or an old boyfriend of Facebook.  Or on Twitter (Well mine is; but we are both taken). You do not need a man.
Step 7: Find SOMETHING else to do!! Anything! Because, really, if you have so much time to spend on whining about a man, I have got PLENTY you can do: laundry, dishes, child-rearing, homeschooling, pet-feeding, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, grading, grading, grading, did I mention grading, to even worry about the man that I have! If you have nothing else to do then you really have got to find a hobby or something.  I can make some suggestions.
Step 8: You do not need a man.  Stop asking me what I think about your man or lack thereof. I am super close to telling you. 
Step 9: A man will not make you happy. They do not care about your feelings. If you are unhappy in the first place you will just be unhappy with another person on the other side of the couch.  Find what makes you happy, because it is NOT a man.  Try that puppy.  Spanish wine. Cheesecake.  Martial Arts (then you can beat a man). Just NOT A MAN.  Not even a hot celeb on Twitter.  
Step 10: Fill in the blanks. Please.  For the love of all things holy and sacred if you cannot fill in the blanks at this point just go back to step one.  
        You do ________ need _____ ___________!!!!!!


  1. fuckin' hilarious bri! love the chart. and it's so true. i've had a man for 2 years now and that's actually what turned me into the whiny, self loathing woman that i've worked so hard to send away.

    if only i'd read this blog post at the beginning! haha

  2. Step 11: Remember your man is not always right. Think for yourself.