How to Attend a Grand Opening
Subtitle: How to Convince Your Spouse to Attend a Grand Opening in Such a Way that He/She Actually Agrees to Attend another in the Future.
Step 1: Select your Grand Opening. There are some very important things to consider when selecting a grand opening. You must make sure the place you want to go to is really worth it. For example, the Grand Opening of a Target, not so much, unless they have a cafe and are giving out free popcorn. Grand Opening of a Whole Foods on the other hand will result in a gourmet meal that you can never really afford in real life but that alone makes it worth it. Pick and choose carefully; spouses (usually husbands) may not remember an anniversary, but they will remember when you made them stand in line for hours just to get a 10% off coupon...
Step 2: Prep your spouse for said opening. You need a REALLY good reason to attend. Here is how my conversation went to attend the relaunch of the Williamsburg Pottery:
Me: “Honey.... I love you. I want to ask you something..”
Husband: “No, you are not going to Germany to meet Michael Shanks.”
Me: “Really? THAT is what you think I am asking; and yet I am the one obsessed?” (See how I have set the expectation so high that an easy favor is a GUARANTEE!?!?)
Husband: “Fine, spit it out. What’s the favor?”
Me: “ Can I put large concrete lions out by the entrance to the driveway?”
Husband: “Are you sure that’s all you want? Just lions?”
Husband: “Ok, I don’t care about some concrete lions.” (Please so do not think I have given up on meeting Mr. Hot Canadian Pants; but I am starting small)
Me: “Well, it just so happens that they have concrete lions at the Pottery.” (There my friends in the set-up)
Step 3: Mask opening in the guise of a larger trip. IF you make it seem like the openings just HAPPENS to coincide with your regular shopping and/or regular project needs, then your significant other thinks that you are just trying to consolidate shopping and get them home faster. They will always forget that last time that is NOT what happened and the ‘prepping’ from Step 3 insures that any remaining memory of the last time you pulled this has faded away.
Step 4: Attend opening and point out every last insane person and thing you can. That way, your spouse believes that this is one giant opportunity for a comedy tour and is amused by the people there rather than annoyed by them. Let’s use some examples from my Pottery opening this week. Here are some things I witnessed that even with a few glasses of Spanish wine in me still make NO good sense. I think we can probably generalize them; shall we?
- Old people will fight over geraniums. Seriously. Apparently the local paper advertised them at some insanely cheap price and as soon as the doors opened every person with gray hair standing outside was fighting over ONE pallet of geraniums. The irony in this was that not 10 feet away were about 5 or 6 MORE pallets of geraniums. Husband took a picture and put it on Facebook pointing out the hilarity. Points in my favor.
- People will knock you over to try Virginia wine. Granted I LOVE me some wine, especially Virginia wine, but I had a woman almost knock me over, rudely ask the nice man what it was, cut him off mid-way through his explanation, chug it down and not buy a bottle. The man will look at you sadly and be happy that you are actually listening to his speech. My advice: buy wine from this poor man; you are the one sane soul he is pouring for all day.
- Weird people in sweatshirts and shorts, in 40 degree F weather, will dash in front of you to get in front of the news camera to discuss the amazing experience that they are having at the grand opening while they are buying ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN NOTHING. Because you know, the deals are SO GREAT that I am not spending one DARN dime!
- On a note having nothing to do with Grand Openings and EVERYTHING to do with common sense, when standing outside, in the cold, and rain, talking to your friend about how cold it is, as you pick up your baby, who is in SHORTS and no coat, take the time just for a second to realize that your kid is probably cold too. Also, if you dye your hair a funky color, which I am all for( my daughter has pink hair), please touch it up once in a while. Because when you don’t it just looks, well, TRIFLIN’ (If you do not know this word it is southern and it the one of the best adjectives in existence - learn it).
- On another side note, can someone explain to me why a CRAZY number of non-English speaking Japanese in Kimonos and other traditional Japanese garb are here attending the Grand Opening of a store specializing in discount garden supplies!?! That are not even remotely Asian looking? (Please see my next note on beaches)
- While we are on side notes, why is everything here beach themed? Granted, we are an hour from the beach itself, but Williamsburg is NOT a beach; it is known for its ties to Colonial History yet that section is 1/10 of the size of the beach section. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have a problem with beaches, I just don’t want to live on one. Unless of course it is the island of Crete with Daniel Jackson. (Please note I did not say Michael Shanks :-). He would not have access to hockey coverage on Crete and I don’t think that would fly too well. Or fly well with his wife. Or my husband. But a woman can dream, can’t she?)
Step 5: Include your spouse on in on the writing of the blog documenting your adventures in Grand Opening land so that he/she will agree it is too funny to miss another and you can begin to find the next you plan to attend. After all, after a few of these, buying you a ticket to Germany doesn’t really seem like that much of a big deal, right...?
(Bri walking away and putting iPod back into purse, trying to really shop at Pottery.... and pauses)
OMG - THERE ARE MORE GERANIUMS.
And NO concrete lions...