How to Get a Tattoo

How to Get a Tattoo

Subtitle: Because I keep getting asked if it hurts like I am the gosh darn expert on it. I only have what, 4, 5, 6, dammit, never mind. 

Step 1: Choose your design.  Of all of the steps this very well may be the most important.  In case you didn’t know, this will be with you for the REST of your life.  Oh, wait, did you just ask about tattoo removal? Hang on a sec.... Here, read this: http://www.realself.com/Tattoo-removal/reviews  You still have the mess there and it looks worse, like a burn, so pick a good design.  Here is a short chart of some things that you should never get.  

Type of Tattoo	Why you should NEVER get it??
Name of a man/woman	Besides the fact nothing in this life is guaranteed, I would just like to refer you to my posting on: MAN NEEDY. Read this pronto.
Chinese Characters	Because they NEVER mean what you think. And my Chinese friends are laughing at you and translating for me.
Naked folks	I shouldn’t not have to explain this but, well, ewww.
Anything on your face	A friend told me about bubbles on cheeks.  I have  even heard of tears. Let’ s forget for a moment that you have to hold down a job but did we forget THIS SHIZNIT HURTS!!! It’s your FACE!!
Swear Words	Unless they are in Spanish. In that case I approve.

Step 2: Find an artist. Note the use of the word ARTIST. Do not just walk into a parlor and strip to your skivvies (Although that would be hysterical) and point your butt at the first punky person you see (she might be the receptionist). Ask friends, go online and find someone that specializes in your design, because believe it or not artists have specialities.  Seriously, you don’t want the graffiti guy drawing flowers on your back or the woman that specialized in line work doing a large Sci-Fi fill-in piece.  Bring a picture and have them sketch it free hand to see how they do. Then decide.  I’ll repeat: It’s PERMANENT. 

Step 3: Price your ink.  Once you have found a few artists you need to ask for estimates.  They will give them to you if they are legit.  I’ll wait a moment for you to ask.  Yeah, they just said that.  Yep, it costs more than your Playstation. Did you think it was free?  Let’s put it in perspective: Would you WANT to only pay $20 for something that is carved into your body till the end of time? Thought so. Pay up or save up. I’ve got some tips for that too.  

Step 4: Save your pennies.  Now that you have determined that your giant Iron Man back tattoo (which is not intended to be mockery, Iron Man is cool)  OR your full head tribal tat (thank you Corin!!) You might need to find an outlet for extra cash, mowing lawns, making YouTube videos, selling meth (that is a Breaking Bad joke people, don’t start messaging me). Me?? I tutor and translate for tattoo money.  For real. I’ve got it down to a science that 3-4 tutoring appointments OR 1-2 pages of translation = 1 tattoo.  That way, Hot Roommate does not kill me for wasting money.  And I’m still doing a good deed. Moral superiority and all. 

Step 5: Find a friend.  Honey, I ain’t gonna lie to you...it hurts.  A lot. A whole lot. I have a crazy high thresh hold for pain and I still like someone there holding my hand so I can cut off the circulation to their fingers while a almost total stranger pulls a tiny needle across my flesh. (And yet, I really love this experience). This friend also needs to be someone that can tolerate blood well.  Ergo, I do not take Hot Roommate, because for some reason he watched my doc cut my gut open and remove our children but cringes when the tattoo artist wipes away the blood while they work.  Because that makes sense honey...

Step 6: Think happy thoughts.  Do not think about the tattoo.  Think about things that make you smile.  Think about...Michael Shanks.... yummy.... as Daniel....as Daniel descended (we fangirls know how THOSE episodes went, don’t we??)...as Daniel all buff...as Charlie Harris...in that tux.... OW!! Watch that needle!! I was daydreaming.  Not a Shanks fan?? The Fashionista in Training always says “Just think about bunnies.” That’ll work too. 

Step 7:  Tip your artist.  Now, normally, tipping annoys the living SNOT out of me because I am paying your extra for doing your job and your job is not a service job like a waitress, you just handed me a freakin’ premade bagel, but in this case, you’re preparing for your second tattoo.  Yes, your second. They are addictive. Veeeeeery addictive.  Remember I said I tutor for tattoo money? I tutor a lot, always for the next tat. So, you really don’t want to piss off the person that is going to carve with ink into your skin or one of their friends.  That could be messy and, well, painful. 

Step 8: Soak your tattoo.  I am serious, though this may prove difficult if you got something done on the inside of your ear (although I would love to see that) or your arm pit (but I guess a bath would do), but this totally works.  Helps with healing, scabbing (did I forget to mention that. Yeah, it scabs, you bled remember?) and retaining the color (no, this is not a sharpie marker tat like middle school). Just plain old hot water.  Don’t buy the gimmicky stuff. If you are being sold the gimmicky stuff, you are probably getting  a tattoo at the shop in the mall. Which I should have nixed in step 1. No one should get inked near a food court. 

Step 9: Show your tat with pride.  Of COURSE you should post every picture known to man on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Tumblr (am I forgetting any social media here??), no matter where the tattoo is, even if it is in your butt crack. (Hope you know I am being sarcastic).  But in all seriousness, show it off and be proud. And for those who will say “What’s it going to look like when you are old?” you need to respond with “I will be the grandma/grandpa the other old farts will be scared of at the nursing home. In yo face!!” 

Step 10: Bottom’s up. Woah there shug, take it easy...didn’t you ever listen in school? Alcohol thins the blood, did you hear me? It thins the...see...dammit, I told you. Now you gotta change the bandage. Oh no, don’t stop by all means, you might as well just keep going at this point.  Cheer’s and it had better be Spanish...

How to Give the Perfect Gift

How to Give the Perfect Gift

Subtitle: I don’t believe in serious gifts.  Serious gifts suck. Life’s too short to be serious.  About nearly everything.  Trust me.  

Step 1: Know your recipient.  What are their likes and dislikes? What makes them tick? Or, more importantly, what pisses them off? Drives them insane? Makes them batty? Forget what they want for their special day, we are trying to mess with them.  Because everyone else is going the sweet and sentimental route.  You want to be remembered. This will get you remembered.  Trust me. 

Step 2:  Shop in unconventional places.  It is important to know that you will never find a gift that is worth a darn at the mall. Even at those gag stores like Spencer’s because gag stores have pre-empted this attack and really only have one type of gag gift, dirty. Not that we have a problem with dirty, as long as it is used in the correct context mind you, otherwise they make about as much sense as fart jokes for adults.  No, you my friend, need something better, something smarter.  Remember, we are a superior human. 

Step 3: Avoid store assistance and displays.  As well meaning as the nice shop-keep might be, they are knowledgeable about one thing and one thing alone, making money. AND they will try to sell you what is popular, which of course we never want to buy, unless it is ironic. Like buying a Pillow Pet for an Insomniac that hates children. That’s ironic. Just take your little list for #1 and start digging.  

Step 4: Think outside the box and create a story.  Ok, so there is nothing at the bizarre for your friend and you are thinking of going to buy a gift card? What kind of friend are you? It’s not that hard to take whatever you can get your hands on and make it stretch.  Case in point, let’s say your aunt is getting married and is marrying a real idiot.  A colossal why the hell do I have to witness this wedding kind of idiot. What do you get them?? Easy, a small tree with a cute little note that reads: May this tree grow as you loves does.  Translation: You won’t water this, so I hope that your marriage dies faster than the poor tree.  See, you look cool and you got your point across. 

Step 5: The side gifts.  Yes, I am one of those people that believes that side gifts are essential.  A side gift is a small trinket type item that can enhance the joke or are just an essential part of the joke itself.  Candy is always good for this and cool stores like “World of Mirth” at Carytown in Richmond, VA, have the best gag gums and candies and general silliness.  Here is a link to a few: World of Mirth Website

I like the Squirrel underpants.  Something about them just makes me giggle. 

Step 6: The card. Now, I know that FaceBook has completely eliminated the need, well, the human courtesy of sending a card in the mail (Yes, I’m guilty too ok....) but you HAVE to get the perfect card to compliment the perfect gift.  Again be creative here. It does not have to be pre-made based on your occasion.  Imma let you in on a secret that only Saving Hope fans will get. I am writing a thank you letter to Shanks.  I am going to put it in a card.  A get well soon card..... get it? See... clever.  

Step 7: The wrapping. Please, please, please, por favor,  S'il vous plaît, Bitte, Quing don’t buy a gift bag. That is SOOOO lazy and cliche.  I mean, for a kid’s birthday party, sure, but for a friend or a loved one, you have got to go over the top.  Put the gift in seven layers of oddly shaped boxes so that the recipient has NO IDEA what in the heck it is.  Or, wrap it in newspaper, because then they get all worried about what it is because you spent so little on wrapping paper.  Wrap it like a piñata and then make it have a candy hole that you fill that does not really lead to the gift but instead to another box.  Why all the trouble? I’m a sadist, plain and simple.  

Step 8: The presentation. Let’s face it, why in the heck go to all of this trouble if no one is going to see it.  Make sure that even if you are not at an occasion like a party, or a dinner, or a holiday gathering that you have an audience for your little scheme, one that can enjoy, appreciate and make fun of the gift itself.  Unless you might lose your job. Yeah, you know about those kinds of gifts.  Keep those at home.  Giving it is enough.  

Step 9: No re-gifting. Ever. Look, not only is re-gifting tacky as all hell, but unless you are the type of person that never forgets anything (which if so, can you call me because I lose my keys and phone at LEAST 8 times a day) OR are the type of person that keeps lists of things like this, you will screw this up. And the regift is never funny.  Usually you are re-gifting because the present itself was so generic and “not you” that you really think passing it on to the next person is going to make this better?? It’s not.  Be original.  Go back to step 1.  

Step 10: Rewards. Yay! You did it! Welcome to the wide world of sarcastic gift giving. In case I forgot to mention though, once you have done it, the stakes only get higher and higher and people expect this kind of gift from you.  So, for now, get a glass and start brainstorming.  I find I get quite inspired with a glass of Pinot Noir.  

How to Behave at the Beach

How to Behave at the Beach

Subtitle: Have some decorum here people!! Half nekked or not, we are in public.  This is civil society, isn’t it?

Blogger's Note: To answer your question, I am not over this weekend. Not by a LONG shot.  But, I need to pretend I am so carry on...

Step 1: Select the proper attire.  Now, I thought I had already covered this in my “How to Vacation in Style” entry (click here if you need a reminder) but apparently my advice was not heeded. With that in mind, let’s recap, shall we? I wear a bikini.  I wear a bikini because I work out 1-2 hours a day. Yes HOURS. And I still don’t look like Beyonce, but what I am not is hanging all out of my bathing suit like marshmallows out of a Moon Pie (dammit, I bet you actually HEARD my twang while reading that, didn’t you?). Most of my fellow bikini wearers are. Leaking that is. It’s not pretty. We don’t want to see that, ok?

Step 2: Wear sunscreen. Besides the fact that forgoing the sunscreen can give you the cancer (note the usage of the definite article, this be serious business), burns hurt like a bitch and your wife does not want to listen to your ass whine for the rest of the trip.  And not to mention, aloe vera is a gross green sticky mess that I don’t want in my bed and I am fairly certain that I am not gonna like the smell either. So, do us all a favor. Leave the lobster for dinner. 

Step 3: Bring TWO towels per person, because without fail, some snot nosed kid is going to blast by your little set up and kick sand all over your towel, cooler, and cover-up, while their parent sits and does nothing because his acting like an asshat out in public is perfectly acceptable here since it is out of doors. It’s not. But I digress.  If you have an extra towel stored away for safe keeping, when said evert occurs, and trust me, it will, you are prepared to dry your body without given yourself the beach equivalent of a sugar scrub all over your sensitive parts.  

Step 4: Children. I would like to preface this step by saying I am a proud mommy of two, however, I am not a loon.  First, my kids are not the little asshats in step 3 because with one cut of my eye or one cleverly worded Spanish phrase MY little asshats are trembling at my feet (I have the POWER... sorry, He-Man moment). Secondly, I am also not hovering, no literally, like standing behind, bending over peering down and walking bent around the edge of the water doing this strange duck waddle thing and as you shoot a glare over at me because I am not doing the same. Suck it.  You go ahead and hover over you little baby and we’ll see whose kid is living in the basement when they are 35. Won’t be mine...

Step 5: Leave yo bling at home.  Yes, on TV we get to watch all of the beach hottie shows and reality programming where they’re just a tweetin and textin to beat the band, covered in their huge gold chains and diamond rings.  Go ahead, try to impersonate the Jersey Shore, because that wave is gonna knock you down once and adios valuables.  Don’t believe me? There are actually people who make a living over metal detecting on beaches to find that stupid shit you lose.  See?? And this was JUST one website of hundreds: http://gometaldetecting.com/tips-beach.htm But fine, if you like to replace $5000 rings after every trip, knock yourself out.  Oh, and I want a 1965-72 Volkswagen Beetle for my birthday. Thanks. Hell, you can afford it. 

Step 6: Know your physical limits.  Most likely, you are not a surfer since only a very small percentage of the population really is. So, do not go to the beach and buy yourself the newest board, a can of sex wax (yep, it’s called that, and I am just immature enough to laugh at it) and a wet suit and head out into the waves. You will fall flat on your face.  The life guard, who is NOT Pam Anderson, will have to come and save you.  They will call 911 and you will play $2375903 for the trip to the hospital. And once, again, I will laugh at you.  I really can be kinda a jerk, can’t I?

Step 7: Be realistic. Ok, so we’ve talked about the clothes, surf boards, Snooki and her pals, but you are you and this is a beach. Nothing drives me crazier than going to the beach with a person who acts one way and then turns into Baywatch the minute their toes touch the sand.  Dude, you live in the city, practically a parking lot. You know nothing about the beach and stop naming tides and shit like you do. Go back and sit on your towel. But we can dream right? Pretend we are someone else? (Silently, to ourselves..) There I am. On the beach. In my purple bikini.  And here comes Mr. Canadian Hot Pants...dear Athena I can STILL feel his arms around me.. (dream censored at this point....turn away, give me a sec, be right with you...) 

Step 8: Don’t try non beach activities. On of the things I find the strangest about going to the beach is the sheer number of people who act like their lounge chair on the sand is their personal living room and in some cases, bathroom.  Do not paint your toe nails. There is sand here, and it will get into your paint, and I am sitting and listening to you curse and swear like you expected it not to do that.  Or shave your legs. I don’t want to see that anymore than I wanted to see your marshmallow waves cascading from your waterproof Spandex.  I’m still not over that yet as you can tell. 

Step 9: Find seafood. I mean you’re at the beach right, you gotta have seafood. However, I must caution you to throughly research your place of choice BEFORE you go.  First, there are seafood places on the beach that are getting their food shipped in from other beaches.  That means that fish has been going, all, well fishy to get to you because someone if too lazy to go stick a pole in the water. But you also want to make sure to go to a place where when they plop a lobster on your plate you don’t want it looking at you. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love meat, way too much to give up but I like to pretend it didn’t use to be alive.  To me, it’s just easier to pretend everything is just tofu. Leave me alone. Stop telling me otherwise. Fingers in ears *lalalalala*

Step 10: And, without fail, don’t forget your wine. Or beer. Or pre-made Margarita in a plastic bottles. What? No booze allowed on the beach? Uh...hello...soda bottles. Throw some rum in the coke and bring it with you. Because no one is going to read this list. No one ever takes my advice the first time.  You’re gonna need to deal with the pain.