How to be a Soccer Mom

How to be a Soccer Mom (or a Basketball Mom, Theatre Mom, Yoga Mom - WTF aren’t you guys in)

Subtitle: Modern parenting 101

SubSubTitle: The basketball game starts at WHAT time!?!? 

Step 1: Coffee. Let me preface this by saying that if you are a new reader to my blog, welcome, and once you have children you no longer own your life. People without kids will get all offended and wonder why you don’t talk to anyone anymore because they do not realize that you are driving to yoga, basketball, ecology club, girl scouts, school festivals at 7 in the DAMN MORNING....

AHHH!!!

Coffee. Sumantra. One Cream. Two Sugars. 

:P 

Let’s see who gets that. 

Step 2: Family calendar on the fridge. Yep, like the mini-van, this was something I swore that I was too cool to do (and yes I own a Dodge Grand Caravan and it’s NOT a van called the Porn Star), but here I am, all calendared. Use dry erase too, because you will have to change it about once week once husband has to work later, the basketball coach changes practice, your daughter has a fever on yoga night but wants to go to the make-up class. Just DO NOT let your eight year old have the marker, or at least my eight year old. He added colorful commentary. Here are some examples:

For 8/19/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna hug Mr. Canadian Hot Pants

For 8/20/12 he wrote: Mom is gonna leave Dad for Michael Shanks

For 9/28/12 he wrote: Mom is old. Laugh at her. 

For 12/24/12 he wrote: SANTA. Boo Yah

Ok, so maybe I put the marker down low because he amuses me. 

Step 3: The transportation. Which brings us to the van. Yes, you’re gonna have to get one or something damn close. You will fight. You will get an SUV that only fits one kid and barely the stroller. Then the sports equipment is next because you will have more bags of equipment than children and it does NOT fit in a cute little Prius. Nor do their friends because you will end up with those boogers too. Never fear. Just PIMP it out. I had a van in college I called the Porn Star which doesn’t exactly work when you are a parent BUT you can do some other fun things with it. Me? I got THESE: 

But of course, right? 

Step 4: Include your mother. Now, women in my family are kind of outspoken anyway, but I find that age just makes it worse. Way worse. My mom was cool as shit anyway, but now that she has NO filter. None. Take her to basketball games, practices and other venture that involve spectators. Here is a sample of her dialog, well, monologue rather. 

“Come on ref! Really? That is CLEARLY a GREEN ball!!” 

“He can’t make any kind of damn calls because he’s too fat to get in between the kids.” 

“Pass the ball! Coach tell them to pass the ball!!” 

“I need to coach this team.”

Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? 

Step 5: Know where the cops hide. Now, without fail you will have to go from the basketball game to theatre day and somehow pick up lunches and snacks in between and stop by the house and the two places are about 45 minutes away from each other.  I have come to the conclusion that cops in my area are not after REAL criminals but instead are after moms who are driving kids to activities. Why? We don’t carry guns. We don’t argue. We sit there, cry, take the ticket and then just pay it rather than go to court (which requires taking off work or a babysitter and makes us have to sit in a small room with scary people). So, know in advance where they hide so you slow down in time and floor it once you are past. 

Step 6: McDonald’s. Don’t judge me. They have milk and apples. Look, my life is so insane that I can’t do that cook all day Sunday mess to pre-pack food for the week. I sleep on Sunday, get up and write fan fiction or blog, or watch TV, or goof off with my friends and family. The Golden Arches is open at 5 a.m. and stays open till nearly midnight. Ergo, you can feed your spawn any time of the day. Just shake up your fast food choice. When you start going to the McDonald’s and they KNOW your six year old wants a mocha decaf McCafe, you might have a problem. 

Step 7: Remember that you're married. If you are lucky some of these activities are drop off, like theatre day, because they want you to be surprised when you come for the parent performance. Try to remember that you’re married because you are going to have to be with this person after the kid’s activities are gone. Go to lunch. Talk. Try to remember what life was like before the kids. Just remember to pick up the kids...

Step 8:  Learn the lingo.  Kids are much smarter than just falling for the “yeah” and “uh huh.” They see right through it.  So, I am, by no means, the expert on this but here are the things I have learned so far in their activities. Please feel free to add more in the comments section. 

Lay-up - Basketball shot from the side of the basket. Cool shot the kids want to make. 

Traveling - Moving the ball without dribbling. A no-no

Improv - Improvisational theatre, when the kids act on the spot in various scenarios. Hilarious. 

Downward Facing Dog - Yoga move and involves the kid being bent over in an A type position. Nothing to do with dogs, so your dearie isn’t gonna want a dog. 

Step 9:  Be prepared. This is more than just a nice Girl Scout motto. This kinda goes with owning the damn van because you need space for all this stuff. You will need a first aide kit with bandaids, Neosporin, Advil, Tylenol, gauze, alcohol swabs, q-tips, medical tape, cast materials, thermometers for every orifice of the body and in Fahrenheit, Celsius and kelvin. You will need general emergency supplies, tissues, toilet paper, plastic bags, extra coats, sweatshirts, sox, underwear, yoga mats, water bottles, a partridge and a pear tree. 

See why you need the damn van? 

Step 10:  Go to a home show.  See, it looks like a perfect soccer mom, family bonding experience and your mom will go and get excited over garden statues and whatnot, but guess what else is there. WINE. LOTS AND LOTS OF WINE. It’s not Spanish, but it’s Virginia wine and that is the BEST in the USA. It’s only $1 per tasting and you’ve got a wallet full of ones. 

Wait, that sounded bad. 

Or did it?

Daniel, hun, ya got a g-string? 

Yeah I went there. 

How to Host a Girl Scout Olympics

How to Host a Girl Scout Olympics

Subtitle: My cell phone alerts just texted me that we should bring in the plants this weekend. This chica not be camping. Thanks. 

43 days left. I probably should be reconsidering this camping because post zombies I am afraid that I’m going to be doing a LOT of camping...

Step 1: Find a location. Believe it or not there are lots of scout camps spread all across the area and provided you follow certain guidelines you can use just about any of them. Some have cabins, some are for tents, some have lakes, some have amphitheaters, some have pools, some have showers. There are too many choices!! What me? You're asking me? *Whispers to co-leader who is awesome and has been doing this for years* “Which one is the closest to Starbucks?” “Campground X” *Picks up head to confidently address service unit leader*  “I vote that one!” 

Step 2: Pick a date. Now this is the hardest part actually since all eight years olds have a social and athletic schedule to rival Michael Shanks’ work schedule (only took to step two to get to him today woo hoo) you will have to pull out your calendars for the next two years, lay them out on the tables at the meeting hall, cross reference them with softball schedules, school holidays, church socials, the opening of hunting season, color code it, number it, chant yoga mantras over it to pick a date. In November. What the hell. 

Step 3: It’s cold. I’m not kidding I can't run today without seriously considering shifting my fandom from Stargate/Daniel Jackson love to Pitbull simply as an excuse to run away to Miami and bag me a Cuban rapper. Because it is warm there. And Pitbull can dance. Stop Bri, stop fan girl cheating on Shanks. 

Step 4: Arrange games. Now, you COULD just play a few traditional games, duck duck goose, run a few track and field events like I did, have jump rope contests. You can also sing Girl Scouts songs from the more traditional one like “Taps” and “Make New Friends” to new ones like, and I'm not even kidding here, “Jig-a-low.” I’m gonna give you a moment to digest that. Yep, I had the same reaction, so much so that our service unit leader saw from jaw drop from fifty yards away. Shut up. I do not have a guttermind. At least not at scouts. 

Step 5: No, like I'm deadly serious, it is COLD. Go ahead, let the kiddos take a break because the sun is shining and I'm going to lay in it. Aww sunshine, totally making up for the fact that it is November and I have to be outside all day instead of warm and toasty at home writing fan fic or hanging out with people or antiquing and shopping with Fashionista - In - Training but the vitamin D is starting to make up for it...wait, where did the sun go?? Uf! What?! And now I am covered in girl scouts. Deep breaths Bri, deep breaths....

Step 6: Get to know your leaders. Seriously, I was WRONG about these people. Past experience has taught me that most of the moms I encounter are straight as an arrow, church going, baking, View watching housewives so I assumed scouts was the same.  Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Because the conversation I walked into Saturday was the difference tongue rings can make when the man has them in a relationship versus the woman. FOR REAL! These bitches be MY kind of people! 

Step 7: I'm not kidding here. We are at about T-minus to flip out. I'm wearing my Brownie sweatshirt. And my Stargate coat (sans Daniel unfortunately - oh could he EVER warm me up). And my co-leader's coat. And she is making me soup. And hot coffee. Which I am drinking black. No one cream. No two sugars. (Yeah, yeah I say “I have no idea like Daniel, I drink coffee like Daniel and yes this entry is full of Daniel because I am FREEZING AND HE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER). I need to go home, because Daniel can't stay...

Step 8: SHIT!! My phone!!! Because nothing says field day like jumping up and down to keep yourself warm for your iPhone to coming flying out of your pants, dammit I KNEW I should have bought the next smaller size when I lost those last ten pounds, coast through the air in slow motion to land crashing on the concrete floor in the picnic area. OOOOH FUUUUUDGE (gotta get in X-mas references now, world ending before it an all). 

Step 9: Remember that warning I gave you guys about camping. It’s about to happen, right now. My phone is cracked. No, shattered, my phone is shattered. I can’t feel my toes. My nose is a different color. I'm starting to see the children as small trolls that need to be exterminated....wait....march?? To the flag!?!?! I’m moving. 

Step 10: Yeah, no, I’m NOT camping, do you SEE me right now. Let’s go get dinner. I’m thinking Mexican. They have good beer. Because my phone is useless, I have lost feeling in my left leg and right now I cannot stop laughing about the Gigalo song. Oh, and there’s a saw in my scout bag. Legit. Bring on the booze. 

Ok, ok, so it was a lot of fun and I got a patch. Yes, I am grown and got a patch. It’s the little things in life... 

How to Run a Girl Scout Troop

How to Run a Girl Scout Troop

Subtitle: Don’t even laugh. I do this and I do a damn good job too.  Well, I think so anyway...

Step 1:  Make a plan.  Like just about anything else in life you need a plan of attack.  See why Athena is my patron??? You need to lay out from day one a calendar of the entire year (which runs on the school year) from September to June and include every food sale (probably cookies and peanuts) and every time and day you would like to meet and every single Girl Scout holiday or event (They are a lot of them, they are important and patch worthy). Don’t worry about everyone else is doing, if you only want to see the little buggers twice a month, see them twice a month.  Some other leaders are going to use this as their entire life.  Don’t be one of them. The children will hate you. They have other things to do even if you don’t. 

Step 2: Find some girls.  Now, the council can assign you girls, but unless you are me and are the luckiest person on planet Earth and get the BEST LITTLE GIRLS EVER OMA I LOVE THEM SO FREAKIN MUCH NO JOKE HERE AT ALL, you might get stuck with some crazies.  Take your list TO your council representative and say, here are some girls that want a troop and I will do it. Then, when they pull out the waiting list of girls that need a troop either you don’t have any room or once they meet you and your friend’s kids, they will either embrace the crazy or go running for the hills.  

Step 3: Get that book. For each level of Girl Scouting, there is a book that lays out EVERYTHING.  Sure, it is annoying to have to shell out more bucks for a supposedly free all inclusive activity, but this book is worth it.  For starters if you are not super creative it tells you exactly what to do down to buy this number of supplies and/or exactly what to say with a script, but it also has nice little charts to guide you (and we know how much I like charts). 

Step 4: Learn your badges.  The number one thing that girl scouts love are those little patches that decorate those ADORABLE little vests.  SOO CUTE!!! (Having a moment here, sorry).  You need to learn these badges from top to bottom so you can plan activities and figure out when things can count for more than one item or when something you were going to do with the girls already has a patch (Wee for accidental re-readings of the book). Because these little boogers want their vest/sash/tunic to be so heavy that can barely walk from the car to your meeting.  And so do you. Makes you look all cool and stuff.  

Step 5: Trash the dried pasta! Seriously, it is 2012, you think these kids still want to play with dried pasta!?! I tried the craft thing for about 5 minutes and the girls looked at me like “Uh, we do this crap in school; I thought this was supposed to be fun.” So, I went for what I know and love, travel.  Which brings us to step 6...

Step 6: Field Trips.  Girl Scouts love a field trip. Probably because politicians have taken the fun out of school and don’t let teachers do this anymore and need to stay the heck out of education and let us do our jobs!!!! But I digress.... These little chickadees will go anywhere and do anything.  Even make worm bins (for free!!). Even practice yoga (not free but super cheap!). Even go off-roading in the belly of a rock quarry (free again!!! I am good at finding free and willing to share). Yeah, they’ll do that.  They’ll do all of that. And ask for more. 

Step 7: The more.  Now, the downside to getting the travel bug into your girls is that now they want to go everywhere.  They even want to go to Busch Gardens. And these little boogers will move cookies like nobodies business in order to do this (see step 8 about cookies), even if that means each girl has to sell over a hundred boxes each (They will do it, they are relentless little demons, it is quite amazing.  Remember that army we needed some posts back to take Canada so I could have Michael Shanks all to myself.  Dude, I’ve got them, I just need to arm them). Just beware at Busch Gardens of the Clydesdales.... Innocent horses you say???? Oh no, oh no no no.  

Try explaining THIS to a group of seven year olds. I couldn’t.  The one dad on the field trip took them outside.  We moms took pictures.  

Step 8: The cookies. Now, no Girl Scouting experience is complete without the sale of the cookies.  And this racket is so well organized and thought out that not only is somebody making BANK off of child labor, but these cookies are SOO anticipated that they are also saving millions on advertising.  And the kids will sell the hell out of the damn things no matter how much they cost.  So, take my advice.  Get your girls orders in and then triple it.  Order THAT much from council. Otherwise you will be going to the cooke cupboard every freaking weekend. And still need more.  In fact, while you are at it, dedicate an ENTIRE room of your house to the sale of said cookies.  Because they will overtake your life and STEAL YOUR SOUL..... (In fact, I am considering an entire post on this topic alone). 

Step 9: The peanuts.  Think of them a “Cookie Light”  Now, these are a bit difficult since no one seems to know what they are even though the scouts have sold them for years.

The girls will still hustle them, but since they do not have drugs inserted into them like Thin Mints do (just kidding everyone, kidding) and you can buy peanuts everywhere, it’s a tougher sell. A sample conversation may look like this:

Scout: Hi my name is SUPER CUTE BROWNIE and I am selling Peanuts.  

Customer: Peanuts? When do cookies go on sale? 

Scout: The peanuts are our fall sale and cookies are in the spring. But we have a lot of great choices if you would like to see.

Customer: Do you have any cookies left? Can I place my order now? 

Scout: Sir, it is peanut season and we are selling peanuts for our camping trip.  

Customer: (Looking at peanuts and their crazy high prices) Do they come in Samoa flavor!?!?

But, since people love them some Girl Scouts and this sale usually raises money for camping which makes everyones heart sink again, you will sell them.  For this, buy 1.5 of what the girls sold and clear about 1/3 of a room.  Oh and avoid those chocolate covered almonds with the candy coating. They are like crack. Expensive, fattening crack.  For a good cause of course :-)

Step 10:  Ok, so for this step I googled “Wine Pairing for Girl Scout Cookies” with Hot Roommate just to be silly.  And I got hits. LOTS of them.  Thanks especially to the HuffPo for the best article: Cookie and Wine Pairings   Fantastic! So make sure you saved some cookies.... apparently you will need them.  If not, next year I recommend ordering a case (or two), storing them in the freezer, and popping out a box (or two) each month.  And don’t forget me! I will be taking orders as soon as the cookie police tell me I can!