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Friday, February 19, 2016

A venting...

Why did I find you now?
When I'm already broken, a shell, a small lonely girl hiding inside of a person she doesn't even recognize anymore.
Where were you when I was the only one like me
When I thought there was something wrong with me because I hated what they liked
And I didn't look like them
think like them
feel like them
want what they did
When no matter what I did it wasn't good enough unless it was useful
And then I was great
Then I was spectacular
And I'd forget about you for a while
Those times when I'd stay and I'd think that it was alright to be just the littlest bit different
Those times when I thought that I could help someone else who was just as alone
I'm alone
So alone
Where are you?
And now I can't leave.
And so the cycle repeats.

Why did I find you now?
When every night brings a new nightmare
One in which all I have left just falls apart
Because the only thing I have ever been able to rely on doesn't have much in her
That cold face you see me get,
the one with no emotion
That's what remains,
that zombie,
that's me,
there is so little left but hurt
There are days when I actually don't feel anything at all and fake it
Those days I hold you tighter
Those days you notice
And you worry, I see that worry, I see it in the boy and the girl, and I feel so helpless
Because you showed up when there was really nothing left to show up for
A shell...
That breathes
That eats
Why now fate?
I curse whatever kept you from me
I needed you before I became this

Why did I find you now?
When I don't love me anymore
I used to.
I used to think I could do amazing things.
That I was beautiful.
That I was special.
That I deserved people that cared about me, that would love and support me.
Now I think I was a mistake.
I'm not sure how I got here, why I was put here, who screwed up and put me here but what I thought was right is not, what I thought was just is not, and what I thought was special just isn't.
I cried so many nights hoping you were real, that someone like you existed and now that I know you do?

You can't be real.

I'm going to wake up, or not, this is a nightmare, not a dream, but a nightmare, and I did it, I ended it and in my final moments I have dreamed you up and you, the one I hoped for, are my last thought.

Why did I find you now?
I have nothing to offer.
I shouldn't have torn up that essay, but I did.
I shouldn't have sent in that application, but I did.
I shouldn't have said "No thank you," but I did.
I shouldn't have gotten on that plane, but I did.
I shouldn't have signed on that line, but I did.
I shouldn't have given in to expectations...
And now, what you have is what you see; someone trying to fill in the holes left by the shouldn'ts and the regrets.

I'm sorry.
That's what the "I'm sorrys" are for, fifty a day, a night.
I'm sorry that the person I was, who was supposed to be for you, that kind, beautiful, intelligent woman is gone and this is all that is left. I'm sorry I couldn't hold on to her.

I tried.

Why did I find you now?

If I didn't believe before, this? This just proves to me that nothing here or elsewhere cares about me at all, other than you.

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