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Thursday, June 26, 2014

How to make the GREATEST HORROR PROGRAM OF ALL TIME

How to make the GREATEST HORROR PROGRAM OF ALL TIME
Subtitle: Congrats WGN, because as much as I love "The Walking Dead" you win. 


Step 1: F*#k history. Seriously, because if you think 'The Crucible' turned the Salem Witch trails into a farce of historical fiction, Mr. Miller and Miss Ryder can't hold a candle to WGN's Salem. 

Good guys are bad guys, bad guys are good guys and as a history teacher I just gave up trying to fix the plethora historical inaccuracies. It was like watching Troy, except without Brat Pitt running around naked. 

That's ok, because EVERYONE ELSE DOES. 

These are the nastiest Puritans that I have ever seen...

Dr. Scanlon, remember making me read that book about the Puritans not being so pure? 

That book's got NOTHING on Salem :)

Step 2: Tip a hat to pop culture. 

Do you remember this?? Just click, you'll thank me... 

Now read THIS, from the script (can't get video, license and whatnot) 


Yea, that happened. 

I rewound it about FIVE times. 

I'm actually having to compose myself to continue to blog about this. 

Step 3: Make sure to COMPLETELY destroy a religion. Okay, so this is based on the Salem witch trails, which as we all know was about the Puritans, in the name of God trying to cleanse their section of the colonies from the evils of witchcraft. One of the main characters is Cotton Mather, an actual person, who you can read about here: Wikipedia, don't lecture me on .edu's right now...

For those NOT inclined to read, here is good old Cotton:







And here is Cotton on Salem. 

Did I mention he QUOTES Revelation at the height of his, um, satisfaction??


Here's another script clip, just for you...



Did I rewatch that part?

To quote Sarah Palin...YOU BETCHA! 

However, before the Christians get upset, they don't just stop with the desecration of THEIR religion, oh no, Salem is equal opportunity...

Step 4: Insult two religions, just for good measure. Anyone KNOW a Wiccan? 

I do, in fact, I'm related to a few. 

Here's what WICCANS (i.e. Witches) believe: I got this site from someone that ACTUALLY practices!!!

Go ahead, read up, scan everything because GUESS what Wiccans DO NOT worship?

THE DEVIL!!

That's right, no Satan. Only nature.  
Keeping that in mind this is what Wicca is: (again I got this FROM A WICCAN to be sure)

"Wicca is the formalized system of worship that reveres the Goddess and the God of ancient pagan belief.
There are lots of different "schools" of wicca (like denominations in Christian religion), but they share mostly similar rituals and beliefs." 

Basically, Wicca are the people who are telling you to drink this tea and that to settle your stomach. In fact, every Wiccan I know is kind, caring and sweet. 

Let's talk about the witches of Salem:
  • They stuff frogs and snakes into people to make them do their bidding. 
  • They go into catatonic sex trances to mess with people inside their heads.
  • They let their familiars eat them like some sort of vampire, but only in sexy places ;)
  • They were ALL inducted by Satan, making him a VERY busy little Devil to get around that much. 
  • They are also planning the Apocalypse....
Which begs the question...

Who's calling Buffy?



As you can see, I'm NOT!! 

Step 5: Rip off classic horror. You wanna sell a horror show that is NOT about zombies and vampires but then realize after you write the damn thing that everyone else is doing witches too??

Head back to the 1980's to get some inspiration. 

Here's a box that Mary Sibley so desperately needs to bring about "Last Days" : 



This is the box from horror classic "Hellraiser" :


Later, Mr. Hale uses a mask that transports them wherever they need to go (which is usually the creepy ass woods full of *gasp* natives): 


Now, it's not horror, but...


I'd like to state, for the record, that I am NOT one of those people that notices stuff like this (in fact, I sit at Stargate Con and smile and nod and act like I have ANY clue what in that hell episode that was, because, I don't, ever) but if I'm noticing this, then, someone's NOT trying to hide it. 

Step 6: Know your role...

True Blood = Vampire Porn

Bitten = Werewolf Porn

Coven (or so I hear) = Witch Porn

Salem = ALL OF THE ABOVE ISH PORN


That's a LOT of skin for Basic Cable, just sayin'.

Step 7: Mention everyone hating and killing the Puritans, including the Puritans themselves once every five minutes. 

I have this thing with a friend of mine, who I called to get help on this blog with, who's ranting, right now (he's on speaker phone) and his rants went something like this (paraphrased).

"It's because they were NASTY people...if you point me to a problem I can connect it to the Puritans. See! No! That's what this show is doing! The writers are telling us that it's TIME to CUT our PURITANICAL BONDS! They know we're too lazy and stupid to fix America, but if we present it as an allegory as to WHY these people ruined our lives and history you can see how they've destroyed everything. We're trapped in a religion that every European country was like, nah, y'all gotta LEAVE (I cannot understand what he is ranting right now...can't type that fast....)

I wonder if I can get audio....

(End of rant: "You know how I get if you call and ask me about the Puritans. Why did you do that?")


Step 8: Make sure to ruin all medicine we have learned about in whiny TV medical dramas because in Salem we can cut animals OUT OF YOUR stomach and you live cut open FOR DAYS.

Case #1: Mercy Lewis. Here's good 'ole Mercy with snake...



And then her dear old dad Reverend Lewis does some home operating (again, they have removed the episode "Lies" from the web so I can't screen cap it) but without so much as ONE stitch being shown she is suddenly up and about...



Case #2: George Sibley

Now, considering the frog came up and down his throat, why he didn't think to puke is beyond me but, here you go...



And then, miraculously, his sits like this...


Now granted, magic blah blah blah but it takes at LEAST a few hours for this magical help to arrive. 

From someone who has cut a leg shaving, a lot, BLOOD GUSHES...

So, either Shonda Rimes has taught me nothing OR I need to continue to suspend my disbelief. 

Step 9: Have everyone be fully dressed at all times outside of sex scenes including the Native Americans (who when they are not dressed are painted, completely) except for SHANE WEST / JOHN ALDEN who must do EVERYTHING shirtless. 

(Again, because they keep taking pics and episodes off of Hulu, you get this)


But seriously, every time this man completes a SINGLE chore, he's shirtless. 

EVERY. 

SINGLE.

TIME. 

And no one bats an eye. Not that I'm complaining, but since they keep scolding women about hats and necklines one would THINK that sweaty pecs are equally as offensive.

Step 10: Cotton Mather YOU WIN.

You are in love with a prostitute and quote the Bible IN THE ACT. 

You drink more than a frat boy. 

You dabble in the voodoo. 

And when you get mad at daddy you do this...


Get drunk, climb in a tree, and pee on John Alden. 

I even was Cotton on the official "Who are you?" character quiz :D 



So, if you're looking for some quality entertainment on Sundays at 10/9c, tune into WGN. 

You WON'T be sorry. 

And, I might even try to make a drinking game for this show, so stay tuned. 






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