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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

How to Laugh it Off

How to Laugh it Off
Subtitle: At this point, I can't do anything else but laugh. 

Step 1: Canada, I love you, I do. Your people are nice, your Shanks is hot, and your Poutine makes a former fat girl cry with joy. However, please do me ONE favor. 

Stop. Making. Software. 

Truly, it's hurting me. You make a rushed Windows update look like something we actually want to purchase. 

Ok, feel me?? 
Make more of this  -------->

And LESS of this --------> 

Step 2: Face that they're not gonna stop making software. Ergo, you must take matters into your own hands... (no wine, yet anyway, it's too early to drink...)

Step 3: Prepare for updates. See, in what I believe is an attempt at politeness, because they make my ENTIRE country look like a cesspool of jackasses, this lovely company does their updates at night, on holidays etc. That's great, it doesn't shut down the system, but what it DOES do is cause this to happen...

Imagine, sitting down at your desk, a hot cup of joe in one hand and the other listlessly logging into the system. All is well, it's time to start your day when...


See, today, the FABULOUS update by my most beloved software company changed 'tu y yo' on my AP SPANISH QUIZZES to tofu. 


You read that right. 


At the END of the semester. 

I'm about to change that wine rule from earlier. 

Step 4: The Gradebook is a living organism, that reproduces. Randomly. I'm starting to think that they have sexy parties after I log off, all of the grade books just boozing it up, dashing off into dark hidden corners of the system. This morning there was not one but TWO, yes, TWO newborn grade book babies. No clue as to where in the hell they came from, no clue as to what magical nonexistent assignments that they represent, just NO IDEA. 

Whatever, I'll call the tech guy. 

*Makes a note of how many beers I owe him later*

Step 5: People don't read. They don't read letters, they don't read passwords, they just don't read. In fact, are YOU reading this, or skimming it or did you stop at the picture of Daniel Jackson (I mean, I would have too, don't get me wrong, he is QUITE distracting)?

Case in point: I use Game of Thrones characters as passwords. Today's password was Joffrey. 

THIS was a phone call I got (NO LIE): 

Me: Sure thing! Sorry it was confusing. The password is 'Joffrey'. Adult on the Line helping student: Jeffery? Me: No 'Joffrey'with an 'O'. J-O-F-F-R-E-Y Joffrey. Adult: I put that. I put J-E-F-F-E-R-Y
Me: No, that's Jeffery. This has an "o".
Adult: I put an 'o' J-E- *pauses* I didn't read carefully, did I?

Step 6: Check the clock, it's time for a wine countdown.

Step 7: Oh, you were checking the clock? Babe, I already opened the bottle.

Step 8: Wait? What was I doing??

Step 9: No, really, if I could fix it I would, trust me...

Step 10: ...

This is Brianne's liver speaking.
Due to her erratic behavior today and her rapid and heavy consumption of Italian Red Wine, I will be voiding her normal step ten, which is to drink, and ask someone to kindly message me with instructions as to how to work the coffee maker.

Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. I totally feel for you. You know my tech experiences the last few days. Please note: I stopped for a WHILE at the DJ pic, but then really DID read the rest. And please note that my Keurig machine tried to DIE on me today. Maybe that was a sign that I should have moved to wine?