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Monday, March 25, 2013

How to Reunion Part DEUX

How to Reunion Part Deux
Subtitle: Lessons Learned in D.C. 23rd March, 2013


1. Some people charge more for hugs than Michael Shanks does for pictures. Because SOME people have a problem with being hugged and DO NOT share this with you for like TWELVE years when they KNOW you are a HUGGER & KISSER. Sorry hun, it's been TWELVE years, you've set a precedent. 

I get my "firm embrace" for free.

Deal

2. It is acceptable to start drinking at noon as long as it is craft beer and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. This would be step ten on a regular how to, but this is reunion time. To be honest, we should have started with step one. 

3. It is much more entertaining to take pictures of your friends holding a sign that says "Poop" when standing in front of major monuments. Sure, we could just smile and wave and try to look cute, make duck faces or other stupid pics to post on Facebook, but personally, we find poop much funnier. 

POOP

See, funny. 

4. Kick yourself out before somebody kicks you out. The moment your slightly intoxicated hugaphonic friend almost knocks the 50" flat screen off of the wall, get up and leave. Once you start noticing the Smithsonian's signs pointing out, clearly, that cute nostalgic 1950's flights were ONLY for white people (which is NOT funny, but listening to my non-white friends read this aloud WAS) you need to leave. Once you realize that your party of ten is a thousand times louder than the part of twenty you are seated beside, you need to leave. 

5. D.C. Loves Penis. No, for real, I understand that our nation's capital was modeled after the Roman Republic and I am SURE that our founding fathers knew of this phallic obsession and most likely found it as HILARIOUS as I do (I mean, they grew hemp, these weren't exactly stuffy old men) but the fact that nearly EVERYTHING that COULD be shaped like a wiener, is, and in some cases *cough Neptune statue* the parts that are normally round look like well, not as round as they should be, someone needs to have a stern talking to with city council. 

For the children. 

6. Read the fine print on your fare cards. Bitches charge you extra for paper because GOD forbid you go to a tourist destination and NOT want to buy a resident card. Nothing else funny to say here. I had to charge $.15. 

Kiss my ass.

7. Don't show your six year old daughter the Hope Diamond. Sure, the reaction of everyone else in the most crowded part of the Museum of Natural History was pretty funny, parting the waters to allow your daughter to cut in front because it was rather funny to hear her say things like "Oh Mom, I want THAT," or "Only a carat, too small," or "Someone NEEDS to buy me THAT crown," but NOW she thinks that these are things she can have. 

Marry rich Clare. 

8. Chinatown REALLY means Starbucks ALSO written in Chinese.  While I wasn't too bothered, my husband has watched enough movies where he was truly heartbroken. By the way, in Chinatown, the sighs are written in Chinese AND the stores are run by white and black college students. 

Oh well. 

9. Never tell a Mongolian man "extra spicy." "Extra spicy" is great, really great, especially great if you were part raised by a Mexican but the next day. See, that's how we got the time to blog again. Got FanFic finished and THIS b/c I need to hover the bathroom. 

Sorry, TMI. 

10. Plan your next get together. Today Terrorize Tour DC, May Terrorize Tour: Deck. Bring your own table. 

#FlatPoop

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